Adoption=commitment problem?

Actually, my DH had similar issues in his 20s. I felt like sometimes he was trying to "sabotage" our relationship. I don't know if it has anything to do with his being adopted/fear of abandonment, etc., but the "pop psychologist" in me says maybe. Allow yourself to love and be loved. There will be the "right" person for you and you will know it when you find it. (Maybe she'll be bullheaded like me, and stick around when she probably shouldn't (haha!)...btw, my DH and I have now been together 15 years and we have an amazing relationship!). Good luck to you!!!

Thats the problem though, I think that I already have built a wall around my hart. I seem to have a major problem opening up and communicating until its to late. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

Have you thought about exploring this in counseling? That may help you to better understand why you do this and give you the tools to change it.

I would but I realy dont have the money for that Im working full time and putting my self through collage right now. I got on some meds for anxioty a while back but couldent afford to stay on those either

Does your college have a counseling center? Or are there affordable (or free) resources in the community that could be of help to you?

Im sure my school has something like that, im out for five weeks but when I get back im going to look around for sure. As for Boise Im posetive that there is got to be something, its just a matter of finding it. My parents help as much as they can but I try to leave them out of anything adoption realted.:thanks:

It is hard, but at least you are recognizig it...something it has taken me and my husband to work out over the last 34 years. Thank Heaven he loves me as much as he does. He figured it out before me. I too can not talk to anyone about it all. I am afraid I will lose it and not return.

Hi srt4life. I am new to this site, and I mostly signed up out of curiosity to see if I shared traits with other adoptees. I was adopted when I was 11 months old, and scanning some of the message threads I was surprised how much I recognised in myself, especially when it comes to relationship issues. I recognise the avoidant personality in myself; that I have problems opening up because deep down I am terrified that someone will leave me… again. I think perhaps a lot of adoptees struggle with this immense fear of being abandoned, and it is hard to share this with people that are not adoptees, even with your partner. I feel as if it can be interpreted as a sign of weakness, as being too attached and “clingy”… it is difficult to try to explain these sorts of feelings to someone who never experienced loss at a deeper level. Once I DO open up, I oftne get too attached instead. I grapple with the fear of abandonment, and often end up walking away. It took me a long time to realise that these feelings and behaviour probably stems from me being adopted, and sometimes it saddens me to not being able to be more open and having problems forming healthy relationships. I think it is great to have these sorts of forums to share experiences; it makes me feel less “odd” in a way, to hear that others might grapple with the same things. So if other members have similar experiences, I would be very happy to hear about them too.

I'm 32, a birthparent and an adoptee. I have never had an ongoing committed relationship. It seems like I find someway to drive off the boyfriend by something I said or did. I'm always afraid of being abandoned so I guess I find a way to leave before that happens. It always feels inevitable to me. It sucks. I'd love to get married and have children of my own but I don't think any man in his right mind would want to be with me, lol.

I'm adopted. I'm married now and did not get married until in my 30's. I stayed an independent woman for years. I was on my own, own car, own house. I didn't need anyone and I wanted to make sure that I didn't. My husband now really stuck it out with me. I had a wall up but he kept being quite persistant. I have a problem with trust. I guess knowing that I got left so young --- I keep a wall up not to feel that hurt.

im new to this too. im 23 and i have only had 1 real relationship. i have always been terrified to let people get too close. reading your posts, its crazy how much it reminds me of myself. im so scared to let people in that i just dont even try. i hate it

I am a 30 yr. old female, adopted at age 5 and have definitely had numerous problems with commitment!! I learned in my mid 20's that people who are adopted often have issues with abadonment. I found out when I was 16 years old that when I was removed from my home I was first moved to 3 different foster homes in one year before being adopted!! Imagine trying to explain to a child that that is not their fault! And that "no" you are not going to be their mommy/daddy. Interestingly enough I've heard that being adopted at any age including at birth has similiar effects. There is a book called Primal Wound. I didn't get it because at first I thought it wouldn't relate to me. Anyway, I've also had issues with anxiety and depression. I'd highly recommend counseling also. I can say something that really helped was a support group that used a work book "10 weeks to Self Esteem" written by Dr. Burn's. It address "Stinkin Thinkin." It teaches you how to think more positively. For some of us I think adoptees definitely included, we internalize, we are very self critical and therefore can be very negative. Ever since I went to this group I've gotten better at not saying "I'll NEVER be able to get married or have a serious relationship." Dr. Burn's book taught me to never say never! So there's hope. It's frustrating. But yes self reflection and exploration is the first step.

I feel like I'm in an extremely similar situation to you... I don't like "putting myself out there" or opening myself up to others, due to an intense fear of rejection I guess. For me, I think these issues I have with men definitely are are related to the fact that my birth father left my birth mother and myself, and even when I found my b.mother... he never put forth an effort to want to meet me or get to know me. I also think I have very similar issues with other females partially due to feelings of abandonment from my b.mother and partially due to an incident that happened in middle school. My entire group of "friends" for whatever reason had decided they no longer wanted to hang out with me and no longer considered me to be a friend. I think since then, I've had a difficult time really bonding and forming close relationships with females... A lot of the time I feel perfectly happy and content being by myself, but I do wonder if I've just managed to convince myself that I think I'm happy alone and that really I'm unhappy, lonely and just don't know how to go beyond these past experiences....

I was adopted and knew most of my life. Had a quick gf in elementary school, the first kiss experimental... none in jr high. First gf in High School lasted about 3/4 of our freshman year and through the summer. Just before sophmore year they moved away. Not far, but just far enough that she was out of reach. I'm sure it had anything to do with me. After her parents brough her over for the final goodbye, I ran into the woods for 3+ hours crying my eyes out. We loved each other and THEY made sure we couldn't continue. Yet another time the parents dictated our happiness out of existance. Her dad ran out on them all when her stepmom (his 3rd wife) told him she only married him for $$$. She sold the house and sent gf and her sister to bmom 100 miles away. After High School, I dated but never really connected. Ended up with older women most of my adult life. Had a running joke, me 22 her 42 Off/on 7 yrs, me 32 her 42 lasted 6 months, Married me 34 her 43 she passed 2 yrs into our mariage, was expecting at 42 to finaly be with someone my own age. Wrong again, she's quite younger. And we've been together for 8 years (I got her before the magic 42). Real connections are far and few between for everyone, we just have another level of fear, that most of the time we don't even know is there, that "non adoptees don't. A natural passing on of not quite instinct, not quite lessons, but an intimate combination of the two that only a mother/offspring can share. Those that I've made in my life, I've mostly left first, sabotaged or just stopped calling. Don't like confrontation either. TRUST is paramount to any lasting relationship. As adoptees, our "Original trust and truth" is taken from us with no recourse, or means to understand it (much less take action) From that original life lesson, we learn to either with hold trust, or offer it much too freely. I've experienced degrees of both in my life. Lots of different stories, many similarities, it helps to know you're not alone. And sometimes I actualy feel like I'm not. I don't know if any of this makes sense, but it helps to share and not be the sole holder of a heavy weight

I am an adoptee and the older I get the more I realize how much adoption has an impact on my ability to relate to people. In relationships I am always the first to leave and I find it really hard to open up to anyone; sometimes the more a relationship progresses the harder it is to feel close to that person...if that makes any sense. I end up feeling really disconnected. I guess when you open up to someone it leaves you very suseptable to being rejected and abandoned and its easier to just push everyone away. As long as you recongize what you are doing and why and make an effort to change for the better than you are probobly doing better than most people. :)