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My mind is spinning.
Yesterday, my daughter's birth father contacted me for the first time in 23 years. When she was 3, he abandoned her and then relinquished his parental rights. My husband adopted her (now ex-husband). She has thought about contacting him over the years, but could never make up her mind.
But that isn't the problem. Our family can deal with this monumental surprise. The problem I'm having is with one piece of information he told me. He had a son, my daughter's half brother, who drowned in 2001 at the age of 2.
I'm just sick. It's such a huge tragedy, and I don't know how to tell my daughter, or if I even should. She still doesn't know what to think about him contacting me, or what she wants to do. And in the meantime, while she's thinking about what has happened and what she wants to do, I'm carrying this burden of knowledge about her half brother.
I don't know what to do. So far the advice being given to me is that I should keep it to myself...that it's not my responsibility to tell her...that it is her birth father's...and yet, what if she decides not to contact him? Do I keep this painful information to myself for the rest of my life?
I thought maybe someone here with experience in these matters might be able to help me figure out what to do.
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I would no0t say anything to her right now. Take one thing at a time. Right now she will be dealing with finding her bfather. As far as letting her know about her bbrother, I think I would let her bfather tell her. I am not sure it is something that you need to get into. It is a horrible tradagy but I am not sure it has to be brought up at this time.
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No one told me about my b-brother dieing till a year after the fact. this was 3 years ago that i found out. I was more then highly angry!! I had to beg to find out. I knew something wasn't right and everyone told me i was crazy. now I'm not saying tell her right now. but when the dust settles from her b-father returning to the picture, I feel you should let her know. I wish someone had told me.
Pinklove -- If I'm reading your original post correctly, isn't your daughter around 26 years old now? If she was still a child, I would agree with the other posters about not telling her about her brother. But it sounds like she's a fully grown adult now.
I think I would want to know if I were in her shoes. I was a child of divorce, and I didn't see my dad for a number of years. When I was 12 years old, I unexpectedly discovered that he had not only remarried but had also just had a new baby, my sister. I found out by reading the announcements' section of one of our local newspapers. I was really angry at my mom for not telling me that my dad had a new family.
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RavenSong
Pinklove -- If I'm reading your original post correctly, isn't your daughter around 26 years old now? If she was still a child, I would agree with the other posters about not telling her about her brother. But it sounds like she's a fully grown adult now. I think I would want to know if I were in her shoes. I was a child of divorce, and I didn't see my dad for a number of years. When I was 12 years old, I unexpectedly discovered that he had not only remarried but had also just had a new baby, my sister. I found out by reading the announcements' section of one of our local newspapers. I was really angry at my mom for not telling me that my dad had a new family.
Hi,
I'm kind of in the same boat as your daughter, though mine is a little different. I am 22 years old and recently found my birth parents. My birth mother had a son before me whom she kept. He died at the age of 18 in a car accident. He was my half brother. I would have been about 13 at the time.
I think it is really important that she be able to grieve the death of her half brother even if she wants nothing to do with her birth father.
I understand that I was part of a closed adoption, so I couldn't have contact with my birth family, but if I could go back in time and be at my brother's funeral I would even though I never knew him.
Her half-brother is a part of her whether she knew him or not, I think she will respect you if you share this with her.
Missy