Depleted Mom

Not exactly the adoption dream you invisioned, huh? Parenting AD teens is down right hard and it does feel like torture. If she's not listening, don't talk. Give non talking consequences. Forget how to drive, remove the phone, if she's stealing, sell her stuff to pay restitution. Don't wash her clothes, don't buy her anything. Respond to her behavior as the outside world will. Use one line phrases with her. "Interesting choice" "Wonder how this will work out for you?" "bummer" "I love you too much to argue" Remind yourself that her behavior has nothing to do with you and is about her. You may want to post in the specil needs part of this forum. Lots of moms of ad kids there. Also, [url=http://www.radzebra.org]Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network - ATN[/url] has a support list for parents of teens with AD/RAD.

Thank you so much! That is what I am doing now. I did not get up and drive her to school this morning. Nor did I pick her up. We live less than a mile away and school let out an hour and a half ago. When she shows up I am not saying anything except, "I'm glad you made it home." I know she is doing this to provoke me, and I refuse to continue to be provoked. I have been doing everything I could to demonstrate to her that she is loved and cherished, and nothing is ever, ever, ever enough. The hard thing now is my close friend (not an adoptive parent, but an adoptee) taking up for her, telling me I am being too hard on her, that she is acting this way because she realizes she will never have the close relationship with me that her younger (attached) sister has. I am so tired of being blamed for this child not being attached! I don't think there is anything I did not do for her. I am convinced that nothing, but nothing would have ever been enough. I resent how parenting this child has made me a villain in the eyes of so many people I love. I wish I did not care, but after 9 years I still care and that still hurts a great deal.

You stated "don't buy her anything." What about Christmas? I promised her a Nano to replace the iPod her sister broke. If I go back on that promise, don't I make her worse? If I give gifts to her sister and not to her, doesn't that just confirm her attitude that I do not love her as much as her sister? This is the basis of so many of our problems. Sigh. I'm always trying to prove (to her and everyone else) that I love her as much, that I think I end up over-compensating. And nothing is ever enough! :grr:

If you promised something, keep that promise(though if her sister broke it, sister should replace it). Christmas is a different issue. I mean don't buy her extras or clothes or take out food. If she isn't giving, she doesn't get the perks either. And despite how strong we are, it does hurt to hear others tell us we're doing it wrong when we know we aren't. It hurts to have our friends side with our kids when they should know us well enough to know who we are as parents. I've lost a lot of friends along the way and gained a lot of new ones that live the way I do. Wish their was an easy answer or an easy fix, but there isn't.

I will start by saying that I feel your pain. I too have lost friends and fmaily. And it hurts. Why isn't her sister buying her a new ipod? I know you want her to know you love her, but material things will not prove love. In fact, with RAD kids, its just the opposite. It proves to them how crazy we are that they can treat us that way and we still give them things. They will gladly take our gifts and still want more, with out giving anything in return. My daughter's birthday was last month and she got nothing. I couldn't reward her for her behavior. And I don't think I would be a good mom if I did. Christmas I will give her gifts of things she needs like gloves, socks, school supplies, etc. You don't have to let her walk all over you. that doesn't show love and it doesn't build her self esteem. I believe these children respect us more if we stand up for ourselves. Now, I'm not saying that sovles the issues, but it does help. If anything it helps us feel more pride. I know its hard. Its a struggle everyday. These kids can beat you down. They literally suck the life out of you. Come on here and vent whenever you feel that you need to. There are parents here that understand.

I am so open to the possiblity that there might be a different way to handle the replace-the-iPod issue than what I have been able to come up with on my own. Here's the situation, if you are seeing something I am not, then by all means please let me know! That is why I am here! Hilde's little sister, I'll call her Joy (because she is a very joyful child and brings me much joy in spite of her issues...Hilde btw means fortress), is 10 years old. I have had her since infancy. She is multiply-handicapped: blind, language processing disorder, has something that looks a lot like autism but is not, developmentally delayed. She did not break the iPod out of meanness, but just being who she is, and I was supervising her and did not see her do it, but she put it in her mouth. The reason she had the iPod was because we were cleaning the church and Joy is not able to participate in that activity. It is just beyond her. So she sits and listens to her MP3. But, her MP3 mysteriously stopped working a few days before. So Hilde was kind enough to allow Joy to borrow her iPod while we worked at the church, otherwise Joy would not be able to sit quietly and wait while we did our work. Of course, this kind of generous sharing with family members is a behavior I want to reinforce. Joy did not really realize, I strongly believe, that putting the iPod into her mouth would ruin it. It is sensory for her. I was supervising her and did not see her do it, but I am pretty sure that is what happened. I did not have my eye on her every moment. Joy has a few dollars of tooth fairy money. When our car broke down she offered me this money to "go to the Kia Store and buy a new one." Her thinking is still very magical and also very concrete and rigid. She would totally NOT grasp the concept of earning money to replace the iPod. And even if she did, I don't know what she could do to earn the money. Her household chores are to put her own clothes in the laundry hamper, give out napkins to everyone at meals. We are still working on toileting and we are working on teaching her to take the recyclables to the recycle bin. It took a year to teach her to take things out of a container when she was a toddler. These things do not go quickly. So that is where I am coming from. I don't think I left anything out. Is there something I am not seeing? Thanks!

That puts a whole new perspective on things Cherith. I too would replace the ipod. Your daughter allowed her sister to borrow it out of kindness and your other daughter broke it due to her disabilities. No consequences needed on either part.

Hmmm.....I need some guidance on how to handle this. Hilde just came and asked me when I thought she would be able to resume her early morning activity. Please understand that this is a very positive activity with a great deal of structure and requires a lot of self-discipline to excell at. Hilde does excell at this activity, is considered by the adults in charge to be a bright star and one of the leaders among her participating peers. She has earned several awards in this activity and helped her team win trophies. This is something that could provide money for her to go to college. I am very supportive of her doing this activity; it is just that I do not get out of bed at 5:30 in the morning to drive people who are rude and disrespectful to me. So I told her that, and when I did she apologized. lol She wanted to know if she would be allowed to go if she could find another ride. I told her I didn't know, but would think about it. I told her she is not grounded from drill, but I just don't want to drive her anymore because of the way she has treated me. So she said okay and walked away. So do you all have any thoughts on her riding with someone else if she can find another *parent* who is willing to get up even earlier than they already do to come pick up my rude daughter? That sounds laughable, but I am sure she would be able to charm someone into doing it for her. Another mom picked her up all last winter because I could not get Joy out that early and thought I was getting ready to adopt a SN toddler in the fall when the whole thing started (that adoption did not work out).

I think you do have to recognize the positive steps. She got your message, apoligized, suggested a solution, all very appropriate. I would either at this point, allow her to get another ride, or agree to take her as long as her attitude toward you was civil. I use to take my son to work for free if he was civil and charged him cab fare if he was nasty. That way, he could keep his job but realize that rudeness has a price. Pick whatever works best for YOU.

I would be careful about letting her get a ride with someone as that could set you up for triangulation. I can see the danger of her spending every ride telling that other parent how you don't want to be bothered with driving her and trying to get pity and attention.

She apologized, but only because she wanted something. It was not genuine. The time to apologize was when I initially brought the infraction to her attention. This reminded me of the first time she told me she loved me. She had been home about 2 weeks. The ice cream truck was coming down the street. She looked at the ice cream truck, then looked at me with big eyes, smiled sweetly and said, "I love you, Mommy. Can I have some ice cream?" Something about operating this way makes me feel slimed. As predicted, Hilde had no problem getting another ride. Her friend's mom was happy to do it. Triangulation is a given. It is her modus operandi. I am SO tired of living this way! The way I feel this morning is if this other mom is crazy enough to believe this lying child, willing to get up even earlier than she already does to pick up this child at 5:45 am, use additional gas, then what does it matter to me? I do not know this woman. The adult leadership of the activity are well-aware of the issues. They are the ones I interact with. Eventually this poor woman will find out the truth of the situation and decide if she wants to continue or not. I think maybe it has just gotten to the point that I have to realize that after all this time Hilde is not going to change. She will always have the ability to manipulate people and get people to do what she wants done. I have worn myself out trying to make sure she never succeeded at doing it, but it has been impossible to control and she has continued and even honed her skills. There are many positive things about Hilde. I love her dearly. But there is only so much I can do, especially knowing that it is not really changing anything deep down.

There does come a point where you just do decide certain things need to slide. Do what you need to do to get through. Alot of my kids did this at 16 and 17 and at 19 and 20 are realizing mom isn't all bad. As for the apology, no, it wasn't real and I get the slime, but it still is part of the process and maybe after a few thousand practice attempts, she'll get it. Hang in there.

I agree wholeheartedly with LucyJoy and other poster's here. Having been the victim of many triangulations, I've found that it often pays to 'circle the wagons' - e.g., to touch base with the other Mom and let her know that you appreciate her giving your daughter rides to this activity because you really do support it, but to also let her know to end the rides if your daughter exhibits any incorrect behavior. I know, this is especially tough to do with a parent you don't know - some parents I've talked with have reacted well to this and others not so well, but I've definitely found that not doing can lead to other problems down the road. Take the break, but I would also consider not having it be too long, as then your daughter gets what she *thinks* she wants - you out of the way & a new person to convince that you are mean (or whatever) to her. Reaching out to this Mom sets limits to what your daughter can do to manipulate, which is always a good thing, as she will know that you will not hesitate to let other parents know. I call the parents that own the home when my HS kids plan to hang out outside the house. At first I got lots of protests & fighting on it, then just complaints, and now my kids call the parents for me & hand me the phone. :thankyou: Best of luck from someone who's been thru the ringer right there with you!

I really don't have any other advice. I just wanted to thank you for your post. I've been dealing with some behaviors with my 5 year old that I can't completely put my finger on, but your post has helped me to see that it's attachment. I do agree with Sundara about contacting the parent about the issues and to let her know that your daughter riding in her car telling her how you don't care should not be tolerated. The mother doesn't have to stop taking her, she can just let Hilde know that Hilde can't talk bad about you in her car. I feel your pain. I'm tired too. My dd is bright and I'm having to tell her over and over again things that she knows not to do. And I'm often hearing that she misses her daddy (he's at work and of course not doing the discipline that I am doing). She is also argumentative-knows more than me at 5! I hope I get it dealt with now so we make it through her teen years. If not I'm just getting a taste of how bad the future is going to be.