new here and would love your advice

Dear MuchDestiny, Hi! I'm Janey! I was going to follow up on EZ2Luv's excellent suggestion and look up the number of the child health program here in Michigan for kids (for health insurance) but looked up your profile to see if you're in Mich. and discovered you're in UK. I was born there (many years ago now) but don't know much about what programs outside of healthcare that are available over there these days even though most of my extended family still lives there. Anyhoo....Hope this doesn't sound patronizing (it's not meant to in any way) but you're so young sweetie. So young and you have two young children, and 1 on the way, plus a hubby! Whew! That's a lot to deal with. And marraige as anyone knows who's in it is never a 50/50 proposition. I can tell you that I'm near to 50 and hubby is near to 45 (I robbed the cradle LOL) and we still argue like little kids in the sandbox some days. And you being pregnant has to magnify all of that. Still our young people all over the place are suffering under these terrible economic times. I can sort of read between the lines that you're feeling bad about the doubts you're having. Please don't. You're not the first young woman who's come in here recently with the same situation. In fact one of the wonderful aparents on here - Lovemy2Boys - had a friend who was struggling with the same issues. All of that said, I would like to echo what Peachy said (I often do that - she's very wise). Don't make any decisions now. Give it time - you've got that at least. Things can change. But once you surrender your child for adoption? Once you sign those papers? That can't be undone. Please take your time with this - give yourself a break. I know it's only 9 months or so but you don't have to put yourself under the pressure of making a decision right away. Keep the lines of communication open with hubby. (Though trust me - I'm married. Men are fabulous and I adore them, but when it comes to the emotional talks? They're a pain in the buttski!!) Perhaps he is afraid. And it will take a lot to get a man to admit that but that might be a place to start. Also there is a birthfather's forum on here. Maybe post in there - ask the men here what it is your hubby might be thinking. They might have an angle us women don't think of. they might also have suggestions on how to talk to hubby. Men communicate differently and sometimes it's hard to know how to speak to them from our feminine brains. Note to everyone: Hope that didn't come off as me thinking men are above women. Not so! Not so! God made us second, remember? First he had to work out the kinks!! LOL! Perhaps make a few calls also and see what's available for you with programs. Also keep posting. You can learn a lot in here. This is a safe place. Much hugs your way today!

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Muchdestiny, You have been given some ever-so wise advice, none of which I am very good at. However like some of the others, I feel 10 weeks into pregnancy, is just too soon to be making such heartbreaking decisions. You are young, but so wise it seems too. You have 2 young lovely children and like most of us struggle with make the paycheck stretch just far enough to the next pay-day. So many of us Firstmoms' had no choice, (or felt that way at the time) and we relinquished. My situation was started out being about material things that I felt I could not provide to my twin sons. I too had a 6 yr old at the time...and I too was 25 yrs old. The biggest mistake I have EVER made was relinquishing my twin sons. I never thought for 1 second about the ramifications this act would cause for me and those boys. I did not think of the facts of turning my babies over to complete strangers, in the way of , allowing them to be raised by people I had never met and knew nothing of their lifestyles or ways. I still 22 yrs later know NOTHING! I often, most days, wonder if they were abused, raised by alcoholics, were they sexually abused, mentally abused, were they happy, were they even together? You get my drift! Just because we relinquish our children for a supposed BETTER LIFE, does not guarantee us that...they only get a DIFFERENT life, of which , when we sign those papers is irreversible...can never be changed. I to this day have no knowledge of my twins, I have recently learned the agency i went through was not licensed, has numerous felony counts, and is under numerous extortion charges, along with illegal practice to handle any adotions. I learned this had been done the beginnig of 1986, I relinquished in March 1986. This has only added to my guilt and grief, but at the same time of learning of this I have also learned they are or were together when adopted. Not a huge comfort, but relieved me of not knowing before. The agency basically gave me 2 choices...either go sign those papers the next day, or chance losing not only them, but losing my 6 yr old too. Although this is not a daily event with adoption agencies, it is of little comfort to me. I live in a state of what I call pergatory..stuck, never able to move forward, but yet cannot go back either. Yes , some days are easier, but a mother never forgets, and continues to mourn her loss. I know I have rambled on ...but if this can give you some thought of what happens when a mother releases her child, especially if in our hearts we know we can find a way to make it work, she will carry this burden for life. It is not a nice "CLUB", (FIRSTMOMS/BIRTHMOMS CLUB) to belong to, and there are far to many members. You sound as if you hope to keep this baby...my final advice....wait until you are holding that baby and have spent time with YOUR child...if you can look into those GOD given beautiful eyes and KNOW in your heart the baby would be better with a new Mommy, then and only then you can relinquish. That child know nothing of material objects, a child needs very little...you all ready kinow this...with the exception of being loved by the ONLY mommy it has bonded with for 9 months. I hope you keep coming to post, vent, yell, or whatever...we will listen. I send this with blessings...please enjoy your children and this pregnancy, your husband will fall into the line...eventually!:love:

I know first hand what you are going through. I was 21 mother of 2 and pregnate. You can get all the advise you want from people but you have to listen to your heart. I chose adoption. It was hard at first but when I really sat down and thought about it, it was the right thing to do not only for him but also for my other 2 children. I was not finacially able to take care of 3 kids. I do think about him every day but it does get easier. I use an open adoption agency where I picked the parents and got letters all the time, but unfoturtenly the agency I went through is now close so the last picture and letter I got he was in the 2nd grade and now he is 12. Just listen to your heart it will lead you in the right direction.:flower:

thankyou all for your advice i know i must sound like im whinnning and i dont mean to come across like that honestly. i just wish he would be happy. he has not said he will leave but e has said he dosent know if he will love this baby like our other 2 and that i would be on my own in caringa nd bringing this baby up ect. i know where he is comming from on the finace thing because we struggle to survive now . i just feel like this is something i should be able to celeberbrate not feel bad about i know hubby loves me and our children but i believe some of this is caused by stress but i also feel like he is having some major doubts about me being pregnant again , my first pregnancy was piece of cake but while pregnant with my little girl i was very ill and went into early labour i know this was a hard thing for him to go through and i think it has caused so dgree of worry on his part.

Dear MuchDestiny, Just wanted to drop by and give my support again. I will be praying for you and your hubby that you can work things out. Very sincerely,

Hi Janey,Hang in there and stand your ground for what truly feels right for you and your baby. If you decide to place or abort your pregnancy-you have to think about the long term psychological affects this is going have on you and your husband and your marriage for the rest of your lives, especially if you are not convinced these are not the right options for you.Could you find the support that you both need through family members or your state? Consider this you are only 10 weeks pregnant and have plenty of time to make the decision to place your baby (if abortion is not an option). If you're feeling pressured by your husband-or even bullied-contact a therapist possibly through your state; this is considered abuse. I am confident that if you are both committed to one another-you can work this out-don't be afraid to express your feelings to your husband. Don't be afraid of anything in life-you can do it!

muchdestiny- What a blessing a baby is,no matter your financial situation! I am both an adoptee and a birthmom. I know the pain of making the decision that you are struggling with, and I also know about growing up knowing that my "real" mom is "out there somewhere" and all those questions about "who do I look like?", "does my mom love me or did she ever love me?" I did place my first child and then met and married my dh. I had a very hard pregnancy with our first child so my dh was very apprehensive about me getting pregnant again. He told me more than once that if I had to go through what I did carrying our ds, he didn't want to have more children. I wonder if your last pregnancy has something to do with the way your dh is feeling now about this pregnancy. I had to tell my dh over and over again that each pregnancy is different just like each child is different and we did have a beautiful dd. That was more than 15 years ago since that happened. Like you and your dh, the economy was not great at that time and our financial situation was such that we struggled to just support the 3 of us, let alone another baby! But, as others have pointed out, the financial situation does change and adoption is permanent, that one doesn't change. God does provide, He proved it to us! Please do not feel pressured into thinking that you need to make a decision anytime soon. Also, your children, no matter how young, will "know" that something is going on and please think about how relinquishing their younger brother/sister will effect them. Talk to your dh and talk with others, pray together and cry together. All these things will help you to determine what is in your heart and your dh's heart.

a THOUGHT....WHY NOT BRING DH HERE TO THE FORUMS, LEAVE HIM ALONE LONG ENOUGH TO READ SOME OF THE POST FROM ALL THE TRIAD? BLESSINGS...ALL WILL WORK OUT AS GOD PLANNED!

I am in some what the same situation but I am looking to meet other birthmoms to get advise from one on one people like me who are pregnant and is thinkin or is going to place, I am pregnant and I will place this child, just really started but will not change my mind, I am not ready to be anyone's mom. Alana

LJuptown, We're always here to help support those who wish to place. It's a tough journey and nice to have people supporting you. I wish I had that when I placed nearly 24 years ago. We do encourage expectant mothers to consider parenting, but that's mostly because a lot of us felt like it wasn't offered up as an option and wish we'd at least explored it! We've been there though, we know how tough the decision is, and we know how hard the consequences of relinquishment are to deal with. Tell us your story Alana! Let us know how we can help you.

Hi, Alana... First of all, welcome to the forums! You'll find a great group of women here (some men, too!) from all three sides of the adoption triad...birthmothers, adoptive mothers, and adoptees. I hope you stick around and receive the support you need. Like Quantum said in her post above, many of us birthmoms do encourage expectant mothers to consider parenting options, including finding out exactly what financial resources and assistance programs are available. That's mostly because so many of us weren't given that option during our pregnancies. Adoption is a very serious decision to make, one with many long-term ramifications, some good and some not-so-good. You're wise to seek out the experiences and advice of women who've placed their own children for adoption. No one can make that decision for you, but I promise you we'll listen to what you have to say. :loveyou:

I made my honest decision because of who and what I need in my life and I need to finish my school and give my child a life that she will be proud of and not be worried about who or what may happen if I did not chooose adoption. I thank you for your advice..