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This is getting complicated!
First - recap. B-Mother found me a few years ago and we've developed a very good close relationship. I've also become very close to my 1/2 sister whom she raised.
In the past couple of months, things have become more complicated though. We located and contacted another 1/2 sister who was given up prior to me. So far, we've all been communicating through e-mails and plan to meet in the spring.
This week, b-mom reunited (by phone) with her best friend from high school - the sister of by B-father! The friend never knew about the pregnancy or the adoption and is very excited to find she has a previously unknown niece! She also updated b-mom on b-father's last 45 years.
In a nutshell - he was married prior to my birth, had 2 children (1 boy, 1 girl) and abandoned them all. Then the affair with my B-mom and my conception. He abandoned her as soon as he found out. Married again, 2 more children (1 boy, one girl) Abandoned them too and remarried. Currently living in a trailer park with wife #3. He is an alcoholic and has no contact with any of his children.
First born brother lives fairly near B-Mom and is married. had one son who died in his early 20s.
The 1/2 brother (from marriage #2) lives less than 20 miles from me! However, i don't feel comfortable contacting him. It seems that he found out about another "unknown" daughter - of his mother's, at his mother's funeral recently and "is taking it badly"
As much as i want to write to him or call or even show up on his doorstep - i think that for now, i will let my newfound Aunt take the lead on who should be told and when and how. I do hope that i get the opportunity to communicate with some of my newly located half sibs.
I have absolutely no desire to contact my birth father.
Thoughts? Advice? I'm excited and also a little anxious. I so want to make everything move faster and find out as much as I can, but i also don't want to approach this in a way that creates barriers before there is even any communication.
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Sylvan, who knew one could have so many siblings...so fast! I can not tell you anything about how fast you should or should not move on meeting some of the others. I always hear..slow is good. I have yet to find my twin sons I reliquished 22 yrs ago, but if and when, they decide they want contact, I will go very ,very slow! It will not be easy, but I want only what they want, and I want it to be done right the first time around. Having said that, I was told at 6 my Dad was not my REAL Dad, and knew this all my years growing up. He contacted me when I was 36, and it did not go well from the first phone call. I guess when he called me collect, it left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I never did meet him, but spoke several times on the phone with my half sister, and half brother. I do have 2 other half sisters, whom I have never spoken to as of this day. I really have no desire to and rarely speak to my half sister. The last time I spoke to her was also the first time I met her, along with my half brother. I do have 1 full brother I was raised with, along with, 8 other half sibling, I was raised with. Do I have you confused yet? My full brother and I went to our "REAL" fathers funeral...whom died on my 45th birthday. We ,or I should say I , chose to go for no reason other than to pay my respects for having been born, and to offer my condolences to my 2 half sibs., along with wishing to meet them. Now you will notice I capitilized REAL, but the reality is my Dad whom raised me since I was only months old....Is and WAS, my REAL DAD! I could not have chosen a better Dad if I tried. He has been gone for 10 yrs now ,and I still miss him so much. Now, I know I have rambled on and given way too much of my story, but I did so to show to you, that time passes so quickly, we are not guaranteed a tomorrow, let alone the rest of today. So, only you can decide how quickly, and how badly you wish to meet your other siblings and if or when you ever meet you Firstdad. I chose not to meet mine, simply because of the way he decided to contact me with a collect phone call. I am grateful to GOD to have been born, and it saddens me to know the man whom created me died on my Birthday, but I am so happy to have had as much time as I did with my REAL Dad.....Blessings..C.J.:cheer:
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CJ - i so understand the go slow part, and the concerns that going too slow might end up with no opportunity to get to know any of them.
B-Father would be in his late 60s by now, and my half sibs would range from early 50s to possibly late 30s.
I think that b-father calling me collect would have turned me off too. Imagine the audacity!
I, too, consider my adoptive parents my parents and my birth mother more as a dear friend. We didn't meet until i was in my 40s. I have developed a real sense of *sister* with the daughter she raised though. Still a little on the fence about the sister she gave up prior to me. Contact has slowed to a crawl. We'll see what the future brings. I think the initial rush of emotions has settled a bit and she is pulling back instead of trying to rush headlong into things for now.
I waited over 10 years from the beginning of my own search until we finally connected, so i don't expect things to all happen at once.
Chris:
I'd have to add *foolish* to brave on the subject of trying to contact b-father.
From everything I've learned thus far, he was probably a mess from childhood. Abusive father, multiple divorces in his family, lots of trauma, lots of alcohol abuse. Even though B-mom did tell him about her pregnancy, he avoided the situation. He refused to talk to her about it even years later. He seems to have no interest in either me or the many children he sired *in wedlock*
I somehow doubt that i will ever have any desire to know him. I am however glad that i am getting information, both medical and family history, from my newly discovered Aunt. The information, at least for me, is more important than pursuing a relationship that has all the ingredients to be extremely destructive.
I too am one of many (one of 9 to be exact. ) I'm the 3rd oldest. we have ages... 27,26,20,16,15,12,10,6,3. Except, it is my birthmother who has all of those kids. Only three of us are from the same father. I don't know how I would handle your situation, I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. :grouphug: