Where to next?

welcome! you will find a lot of insight and support here. first, huge hugs!! You did not deserve that treatment at all. IMO, aparents should make an extra effort to make their adopted child not feel adopted in the family. Especially if they have birth children too. Unfortunately, your parents said some horrible things and then blamed you for it. Incredible! The most important thing for you to remember is that was not about you at all. It was (is) you amom's issues, insecurities and problems. It't too bad you have to be the victim of it. I'm really sorry!

Thank you. I'm hoping that maybe by just getting the 'stuff' out it may make me feel less frustrated. Thanks again.

This is so sad to read, I'm sorry you've had to suffer such emotional abuse from you adoptive parents. I don't have anything constructive to add, other than I'm glad to hear you've moved on in your own life from such cruel treatment.

I am a Firstmom, and am so sad to hear of what you have endured. Adoption, which in SOME cases is good, is a failure on many levels. Just because potential parents have the finances to purchase a baby/child, can pass a homestudy, and be given the thumbs up to adopt...does not mean that they are capable of being good parents. This IS ONE of the biggest misconceptions when a expecting mom is thinking about relinquishing her child, out of fear she cannot be a parent, for what ever reason. Now before ANYONE thinks about slamming me, This is not ALL potential parents...SOME. Some agencys offer counseling to emoms, but these counselors are paid by the agency, or have the agencys best interest at heart...not the interest of the emom. This is indeed the biggest nightmare I live with for 22 yrs now, and will not rest until I see with my own eyes , my twin sons, I relinquished , are happy and well. I think you are amazing for coming here to tell us about your journey, and the pain, anger and sadness it has caused. You say you pray that your sister is not able to adopt. I think, and this is only a suggestion, you should consider becomming an advocate, with an agency, or group that meets in your area. This will make your voice heard, and possibly help potential emoms, and give a voice for other adoptees, whom may not be able to speak of their own issues with adoption. You are smart, well spoken, and have ended up being a good person, regardless of your aparents intentions to do otherwise. You are strong and could help many simply by telling your journey ,and most importantly your truth. You did not mention whether you have thought about searching for your past heritage(FIRSTFAMILY). Please keep coming we are a great group of people, there arte so many wise ones here, more so than I, whom can maybe offer better insight, and knows what it is you soeak of. I send this with <<<HUGS>>>>, I only wish I could have heard your story from someone such as yourself, for this would make many emoms think twice. When we relinquish , we do so thinking that "our" children will be given all they need and want, along with the most importan thing..LOVE....not so...we give them a different life, NOT a better one. Blessings, and I hope you continue to keep us posted, we do care....C.J.

I Have One Last Comment...you Should Write A Book, This Could Help Alot Of People!

Thanks to all who replied. It really does feel better just to get it out. Thanks again.

I second the motion! If we dont speak out how can we be heard? It will not change our journey/experiences but it may help future generations of adoptees. Just something to think about. ~ Denise

I am also saddened by what you had to endure as an innocent child. and I too wonder if you have connected with any of your birthfamily?many people in the "triad plus" have gotten lots of great advice here for their search and reunion.

Dear TDP1, ((( TDP1 ))) Hey there! :flower: I'm Janey. Welcome to the forum! :love: It doesn't sound bad at all. It sounds perfectly sane to me. (((TDP 1))) Let's see...your post touched me so deeply...I've got to try and be civil in my response. Not easy when I see how you've been hurt! :hissy: Uhmmm...okay...first off, a person who treats a child this way isn't a parent. IMO - The word "parent" shouldn't be a title they're entitled too. Unfortunately it didn't work out like that. But it sounds (again IMO) like your amom is a classic narcissist and they excel at fooling everybody. To be honest I think I'd rather be in a room with 6 armed felons all wanting my wallet than be in a room with one narcissist. The armed guys will get what they want and then kill me quick. It'll be over before I know it. That narcissist though? Killing's not the name of their game. They're in it for the long haul (hope that makes sense). Also, I see the shame in your post. ((( TDP1))) I understand the mark of shame and guilt that abuse leaves. You know what I owe my abusers? Not one dang thing. Nada. Nothing. I don't owe them my time. I don't owe them my hard-won serenity. I don't owe them to suffer in life believing the lies they told me. Nope. I've got better things to do....like there's grease on the stove that's needs cleaning. Narcissists, TDP1. They're so good at their game that you can't see them coming; most especially if you're a child. And I've believed for a long time now that they should be legally required to wear a bright prison-orange t-shirt everyday and that it should read: It's All About Me!!! That way the rest of us would know what we're up against! LOL!!! Also (just my personal observation sent with compassion to you)...... ....Even though I know it's hard...darn near impossible... I'd tried not to be fooled too much by the "I love X better than Y (as in you)" routine your amom was laying down. I call that narcissist algebra. X/Y are unequal but both are less than "N" (narcissist). "X" is being used too. They're a tool in the narcissist's game; a tool to make "Y" feel less human. And that's not love. That's emotional collusion. 1.) That's making "Y" be whatever the narcissts wants them to be in order to feel superior. 2.) "Y" understands implicitly on some unconscious level that they better play along or they'll be in the same boat. I know what I speak of because I've lived that. I was "Y" to my Sister Susie's "X". See...Nutso dad played this game with me and my Sister Susie for years. Treating Susie like she was dead to him. Telling her once when she was just a kid of 8 or so that he wished she'd died in the womb. :hissy: Meanwhile he's lavishing his praise and his....unwanted attentions....onto me. :cowboy: I've never openly admitted that on here before about Susie and me - at least I don't think so. The upshot of that was that Sister Susie has spent her life despising me and hurting me at every turn. (Not saying that you've done that - just speaking of my own experience). Through her pain and shame, Susie can't see that I was nothing to nutso dad. Anyhoo....I'm only sharing because I'm hoping you can see in some small hidden part of your heart that you're not to blame. You were just a little kid. It's not your fault. Big hugs to you, TDP1..........((( TDP1 ))) Wishing you peace and much happiness and I mean that!:rockband:

God, it's all such a "luck of the draw" thing, isn't it? And I'm not talking just about adoption...it's a crap shoot when it comes to any of our parents, both biological and adoptive. I agree with Janey -- it sounds like your mother is a narcisisst. If you want to read some scary stuff, try Googling "Narcisisstic Personality Disorder". Both my mother (I'm not adopted) and my brother are classic narcisissts. The damage done by these people is overwhelming to the point that I can barely talk about it. A narcisisst can be perfectly charming as long as you give them your complete adulation and adoration. The minute you are even slightly critical of them or disagree with them about anything, all hell breaks loose. I've lived it now for 54 years, and there's no end in sight. There's a Twelve-Step group that can teach you how to function with people like your mom. It's called Codependents Anonymous, and it runs on the same principles and steps as AA does. You might also want to check out AlAnon...they're very similar. BTW, a lot of child abusers use the same line on their kids that your mom used on you. They turn the reason for the abuse (whether verbal or physical) on the child, justifying it to themselves. I think a lot of them are narcisissts...

Tdp1...welcome to the forums! You will find A LOT of different opinions and views here. There are adoptees who are very fine with their adoption, you will find those who aren't. You will find bmoms who are at peace with their decision and others who regret it everyday. (even those at peace can feel regret) My point is...you are going to hear a lot of opinions, take what applies to you, learn from others, and disregard what doesn't "sit well" with you. Good Luck! I am sorry that your adoptive mother was so rotten to you! I am sorry that ANY mother is rotten to their child, be it an adoptive or biological mother. I think that the adoptee has to wonder, why did you CHOOSE to adopt me if you weren't going to cherish me!?! But then any child may wonder why a parent chose to parent when they are abusive. Part of the reason is that I don't think that abusers first off realize that they are going to be abusers, and secondly that they are as "bad" as they really are.... Doesn't make it right, or less painful though! I think you are headed in the right direction by learning about what other adoptees think, feel, have gone through, ect. Keep posting...

Hi tdp1,What a horribly emotionally abusive upbringing it sounds like you've endured and I can understand how it would still upset you after all these years. I can also understand that you feel better being away from them - I've learned over the years that unfortunately we can't choose our family, but we can choose whether we want to continue to endure their crap or not. Good for you for reaching out here for support. I'm outraged at hearing about your younger sister being given the OK and shudder at the cycle of abuse continuing. Feel free to vent here all you like. You're amongst very supportive people here, including me. Big hugs to you!

Your feeling are natural - sound like your adoptive Mom (family) had/has ISSUES! And just think, since you were adopted-bet your bio-parents are real winners too! I say that because mine were! I mean we have to face it, since we were adopted, we all were in less than perfect situations or we would not have been given up in the first place! I hate it for you that your a-parents turned out so bad. People like that should just fall off the face of the earth. The bible tell us not to question God, but when I hear a story like yours-it's hard not to wonder why you were put in that situation. My a-Mom had issues and I remember her crying to my a-dad that I didn't love her, guess I was about 6 or 7...don't remember what I did to deserve that one, but she did not know I was listening at the top of the stairs. I cried myself to sleep thinking my a-Mom was looking for an excuse to get 'rid' of me because I had been bad. Now my BIO-Mom-that was a woman with some ISSUES! She kept my half-brothers and their wifes up in arms about something all the time, then would deny having said anything to cause the trouble...THEN she would CRY to my step-dad that no one believed her...blah...blah. She was addicted to pills-name it, she had it and she was a gambler. She would gamble behind my step-dad's back and cost them TONS of money. I could go on and on. I did not like my bio-Mom at all! If it was not for my step-dad, I would have never gone to see her...well, I didn't go to see her-I went to see him. I often wished he would divorce her so we didn't have to deal with bio any more. Got a 4 am phone call about 4 years ago...it was my step-dad, My bio-mom had shot herself. I had no grief for her what so ever-I tried to feel bad about it, but I couldn't! The only sadness and the only tears I cried was for my step-dad, he was so upset and I grieved for her and blamed himself for her death. I know what it feels like to feel better NOT to have certain family members in your life...

HI there. This is so sad your story. I was adopted. My adoptive parents had a son already and my adoptive mother couldn't have any more children, she had a couple of miscarriages. Then they decided to adopt. I always felt different so to speak. I was never told words like you TDP1, but I always had this 'feeling' of being different. I was not blood. My adoptive mother was a diabetic, she died when I was 19. My adoptive father died when I was 28. My older brother and I haven't spoken in 5 years. We just stopped, no real reason do I even know.