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I love this forum, it feels like it is the only place I can say what I need to say about my adoption experience without judgment. I gave my daughter up for adoption it will be 5 years ago in 6 days. The first 2 years of the open adoption went really well. I struggled a lot emotionally but her adoptive parents were so perfect and had everything put together so it seemed every time I saw my little one she was happy and healthy.
The contact during the third year were very brief I only saw her one time and got two calls. for the entire next year I heard nothing at all. I sent many letters but refrained from calling b/c I felt like they would call me when they were ready to see me again.
I was married and had another child by the time she was two. I got on my feet finished school and now have a good enough job to where my husband is able to stay home with our daughter.
Apparently while I was putting myself together so I could support and care for my family, my first child's parents were doing the opposite. The couple who been married for 15 years were filing for divorce! I was upset about this at first but I calmed down and thought to myself if they are fighting a lot it is better for them not to stay married and make the family life miserable, and people can't ever promise that they will be together forever.
Well, about six months after I heard the news of the divorce I had visit with her mother and she told me the story of what happened. I guess my little ones adoptive father had done "inappropriate" things to her (that's as nicely as I can put it). Her mother didn't press charges or anything, and when she left they had stayed in a shelter for a while.
I am hurt by what her father did to her and can't help but feel I put her in that situation. I could have picked any other parents for her but I picked them. And by the age of 2 my little one had already been a victimized!
Now the adoptive mother rarely gets in touch with me, and she is getting very ill. I worry about what is going to happen if she can no longer take care of "our" little one. If her family wouldn't put her up after the separation are they going to take care of them when she can't? Will my little one go back to her abusive father?
Is it okay for me to ask these types of questions? I just dont know what to do and I feel miserable all the time. I worry about my little girl and the situation she is in now. I just hate this so much!
Thanks for letting me vent
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Janeytwo
Forgive me everyone but I don't like the tenor of the responses I'm seeing in this thread. I find them infuriating.
We seem to be getting off onto an adoptive parent vs. birthparent debate here and it's a bunch of crap.
I don't care if you found your kid under a rock because some alien beamed it there, if your child is being abused you should be frigging reporting it. You should also be reporting the abuse of other children if you know for a fact that it's happening.
Anyone who doesn't know that needs to do some research and read an article entitled "The Murder of Robby Wayne".
No excuses. No "OMG! You have no idea how I'll be judged simply because I'm only the birthparent and no one's going to listen" doo-doo. Or "OMG! I can't report this because I'm the adoptive parent and people expect more from us!" doo-doo.
It doesn't matter who YOU are. It matters what the CHILD is suffering. Report the d**n abuse. What the authorities do from there is up to them. But none of us gets to turn our backs and pretend it isn't happening simply because it's uncomfortable for us.
Everybody standing there saying, "It's not my place! The authorities wouldn't listen anyway! What will people think of me?!" All those statements do is aide predators. That's it.
SHIMMER, Please listen to us, find someone whom will listen, this mother to your little 5 yr old, is the least of my concerns. If something tragic happens to her... HE( SO-CALLED -ACCUSED PEDIPHILE,) will automatically be handed this child, for he is this childs Father.AGAIN, I will repeat, the authorities will have no choice but to hand this little angel over to her Dad, and if these allegations are true, he WILL indeed continue this abuse. Please try to find mother and daughter, get them to an attorney and get all put into writing ,events of what took place,and as much as she can recall and prove, but,especially of whom she wishes to be guardian of your daughter. Then if at all possible try to convince her to tell the authorities....MY only concern is the safety of this child....you can never go back and un-ring a bell...but you can sure see to it that sirens are sounded , especially given the possibility he IS more than likely around other children...even as we speak. To hell with fear, I would have no qualms in doing this. Keep telling until somone listens. I cannot understand why the grandma to your daughter..did not call...did not aid in their safety, why womans shelter did not help...if this is indeed a true accusation, there should be NO reason not to! Please Shimmer, keep us posted, this is so troubling and maybe" we" can all figure a way to help. This is in no way any of your fault, but you can maybe help stop the next time he WILL do this. WE are here for you, Blessings..C.J.:love:
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I'd like to clarify some things....
I was one of the survivors of "silent days". I understand the need to report it. My parents were reported to CPS twice in my childhood, and CPS did nothing. Didn't even bother to interview me or my siblings.
But the people who called CPS lived in my neighborhood, and were relatives....they could have simply asked me to come stay with them. Heaven knows I dreamed of it happening everyday.
As for now, I found myself in the position of the onlooker regarding my sister. CPS had once again been called by someone else (and then CPS did nothing again). So after a while I simply had her get her stuff and come to my house.
I cannot send my parents to jail, however. So I'll leave CPS out of it as long as my parents allow my sister to live here. Also, she is the youngest, so the threat ends there. And she herself lied to CPS when they came, specifically to avoid them going to jail...So I know it's what she wants.
I understand living with abuse and watching abuse and acting to protect children. I was only saying that she needs to get the whole story before jumping to conclusions and do whatever possible to be a support to the amom as much as she can.
I am not advocating that she either report it or ignore it...just giving her tips, so that she'll be able to understand the amom better so that her communications are more effective.
I wasn't trying to be divisve or pit aparents against bparents, only show the mentality and the path an average aparent takes to help her understand and predict amom's actions and pitfalls and therefore be able to help her child more effectively.
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Aspenhall,
I was one of the survivors of "silent days".
Yes and so am I. There are a lot of us out here, which is really the point. Whether or not CPS does anything, doesn't excuse us from reporting it. In fact, it makes us more accountable because we understand what it's like.
Look people, if I see some guy holding a gun on someone in the street I don't get to stop and ask myself if I shouldn't call the police because I'm a birthmother and no one will believe me, or if I shouldn't call them because I'm an adoptive parent and people will look down on me.
I should call because someone needs my help.
In some situations, life has to stop being about our status within the triad, no matter what that status is, my two-cent opinion only of course.
Aspenhall - There is something I would like to ask without sounding hositle, which I hope I won't but I'm concerned.
As a bio parent, you're really only accountable to yourself, your spouse and God.... but as an aparent there's way more people to account to
I'm not sure I understand what is meant by this.
Because I'm a birthmother I have no accountability for my actions? Relinquishment WAS my accountability for my actions. And in that accountability I point fingers at no one but myself. My daughter and son were not going to pay for my youth and stupidity; either with their lives or their futures.
I have heard adoptive parents say they have more to prove. I don't buy into that and you shouldn't either.
There are no perfect parents and if anyone out there stands up and says "Hey! I'm the best friggin parent anyone's ever seen!! Throw me money!" I'll be happy to stand with you and chuck mush melons at their delusional heads while I'm calling the men in the white coats. Because anyone who either thinks they're a perfect parent or puts themselves under pressure trying to be one.....well they're either completely nuts or they soon will be.
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If the OP chose to report this incident, does she even need to identify herself as the birthmother?? Could she not make a call to CPS and say she was a friend of the family and wanted to remain anonymous?? I'm just not sure how this works, but if I were not going to be taken seriously by CPS because I was the child's birthmother, I'd find a way to get a call through from someone else (teacher or other mandated reporter, perhaps?) or I'd not identify myself as the child's birthmother for purposes of that call.
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Hey JustPeachy,
Excellent point! I don't know about any other State of course but in Michigan you don't have to identify yourself to report an incident or suspicion of one.
Sigh....I hope the little girl will be okay. And her moms, too.
What a mess, huh?
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Janeytwo
Aspenhall,
I'm not sure I understand what is meant by this.
Because I'm a birthmother I have no accountability for my actions? Relinquishment WAS my accountability for my actions. And in that accountability I point fingers at no one but myself. My daughter and son were not going to pay for my youth and stupidity; either with their lives or their futures.
I have heard adoptive parents say they have more to prove. I don't buy into that and you shouldn't either.
I understand this, but it is a very real fact that someone other than God has entrusted us with a child. There isn't just 2 parents and the child involved. We entered into an agreement with 2 more parents (and their families) to do a good job of parenting. When we fail at doing our best, we have not only let down ourselevs, and God, but also the birthparents who trusted us to do our best. And whose sacrifice and pain allows us to become a family in the first place. And to do any less than our best (not perfect) will betray their trust in us.
And admitting a failure as a parent to a friend is one thing, but to face the person who trusted you with their child and admit you've let them down, is quite another.
I was just explaining to the OP, how that would compound the amoms grief and self loathing and could explain her reactions a bit better.
If you make a serious mistake in parenting your children you gave birth to, you aren't betraying anyone's trust in you to do a good job, other than your spouse, your child, yourself, and God.
As an adoptive parent, there's simply more people in that equation. There's no getting around that. My daughter has 2 sets of parents and always will.
It's the same standard of parenting, but there's more people you are accountable to. If not, than why would it matter who you choose to raise your children? Why would it matter if they suffered hardships or loss after the adoption? If we don't have a bigger responsibility, then why isn't the response to the OP saying "what does it matter?, she's not your child, you shouldn't feel too bad, because it has nothing to do with you personally"
Why not suggest she simply report it to CPS and move on without worrying about it?
The answer is, because she is a responsible party for the child, who put her faith in someone to do a good job and keep her child safe and happy. And that person, she trusted has in fact let her down.
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(((( Aspenhall ))))
My friend. You're being sold a bill of goods by society. And screw them because there is no reason you should have to foot that bill.
I am not going to label myself as less than human because I am birthmother.
You should not be forced to prove yourself as superhuman because you are an adoptive parent.
None of us will get by any of this if we continue to play by the rediculous rules set up by those who went before. What, after all, did they know?
Adultery, abuse, alcoholism, drug addiction, self-hatred,...falls from grace of all manner....we're all capable of these. There are those out there beyond these sacred walls who don't know that about themselves and they're in for some heavy weather.
I would submit to you what the men and women on the front lines of those falls would say...the men and women of AA, AlAnon, NA, Naranon.
To believe that I must be perfect in order to be accepted is a conceit I can ill afford because it gets in the way of my living at peace with myself.
As for your being an adoptive parent? I promise you that I respect the trials you face in that and that I do not hold you or any adoptive parent above or beneath me.
You are simply my brothers and sisters in this world, walking along the path toward enlightment, trying to find your way to the next fork in the road.
Just like me.
I hope you understand.
And I wish you peace.
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It's not that I need to be perfect... Parenting in my opinion, already needs you to be a strong person....without adding the adoption aspect.
I get that everyone struggles...and horrible accidents happen....I'm just saying... the mistakes/accidents carry more weight when there's more people affected by them.
If I slip and accidentally burn your hand, I don't feel nearly as bad as, if I slipped and my child got burned, or my spouse....because now more people are in pain....it's the same concept.
I don't believe anyone is more or less than human, no matter their role...but I do think some responsibilities are weightier than others, because of who the person is, or what knowledge they have.
Kind of like a doctor who sees an accident and doesn't do much to help, would be held more accountable than the average joe, with no medical training.
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I wanted to thank everyone for their imput. She did file a report that was unfounded. (this was news to me). However, like I said before I am aware that amom has her daughters best interest at heart, I don't question that. I am speaking with her alone this weekend so we can have a candid talk about the past few years, and what her plans for the little one are. At this point she won full custody, I believe so hopefully she has a well laid plan for the future. We will see.
I do appreciate other amoms giving me their input it.
:thanks:
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baby shimmer...I am so glad to hear this. I hope the two of you can work together...
Please let us know how your talk goes this weekend. I pray for peace and healing for all THREE of you.
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My visit was very nice! I found out that amom has full custody and adad can only have supervised visits.
Amom seemed much calmer than she has in the past 2 years, I hope this means she is recovering from the shock of it all.
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This is an old thread and has many responses that I haven't read, but I wanted to share my experiences with this. I am a foster parent and have been through this 4 times. Kids are often removed for reasons like drugs or physical abuse, but the longer you have kids in your home, the more likely they are to disclose other abuses or neglect. In 4 cases of very graphic disclosures, only 1 resulted in anyone being charged with anything. The police and district attorneys will not prosecute someone that they aren't sure that they can convict. Small children are inconsistant in their stories and easy to confuse. Not all states have shield laws for victims. In my state, they do not and no matter how young or traumatized the victim is, they have to testify in court, with their abuser present and they have to endure cross examination. It is almost impossible for a young child to keep the details of what happened to them (sometimes 2 years or more before the trial) straight under those circumstances. Thus, you have reasonable doubt and a jury CANNOT convict if there is reasonable doubt. The case would be lost on appeal anyway. It is wrong and horrible, but that is the way the system works. It may not have been a choice not to press charges. Besides, here a child has to disclose to investigators 3 times and have the story not change in signifigant details before they will even question the perpatraitor.
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