found bson's name and address...should I contact???

Hi, Kerri... My son and I reunited two years ago, when he was 36 years old, and he had been looking. He said that he was glad that we found each other when he was older, and that being a father himself put things in a different perspective. I remember when I found my son's profile on this website... it was very surreal indeed. Have you searched Facebook using his email address? Is it possible to take some time to prepare yourself before contacting him? (not that you can really, truly be prepared...) Are you able to find out when his semester/quarter break is from school? You might want to think about contacting him between semesters. I imagine something as huge as reunion might be somewhat distracting in the middle of a college term. Just something to think about. But, whatever you decide, I'm so happy for you that you know your son's name and address. I wish you both the best that life has to offer. Peace, Susan

Susan, I'm still not sure what I am going to do- It was so much more simple( but not easier) to make decisions about his welfare when he was an infant- I'm terrified to cause him any bad emotions.or stress or whatever.. I can't focus on anything but this, and its only getting more and more murky I am thrilled and happy that I know he's doing well-(from what I can tell anyway) and am discretely checking him out on facebook and a few other sites that he has....I'm not sure what's next, but something tells me i was meant to have this information, for only 2 weeks ago- i was told by the state registry that he would not get my contact info if his BF didn't also register..and I recieved his information on Saturday, which was his BF's birthday- I feel like its a sign that I am supposed to have this info-- even if I don't know what (if anything) to do with it yet-- Thanks for listening to my rambling... Kerri

Wow, Kerri...that's a whole lot of synchronicity...I hear what you're saying. Again...wow! Your head must be ready to explode!When I found my son's profile here, I asked my daughter to act as intermediary. She sent him the first email, and after a couple of emails to confirm identities she pretty much stepped aside and my son and I began emailing. I am so grateful to my daughter for being the intermediary. I had a lot of fears regarding contact, and I felt I would be crushed if it turned out not to be him, or if he decided he did not want contact after all.Would you consider having an intermediary? Do you have any one who would be willing to act as an intermediary for you?My search for my son lasted about 2 minutes and 2 seconds...I'll have to say that I was not prepared at all. It took me awhile to get my act together... like many, I had to deal with buried emotions. But, reading and participating on these forums helped immensely, as well as an online support group that I participated in.BTW, Kerri, you are not rambling, you are expressing, and that is what we're here for...we're here for you...Peace,Susan

I have thought about an intermediary, I have also thought about contacting his parents first, but something keeps making me say no to that- could be some deep seeded psychological issues, or resentments but i have no idea- I only know the feelings. I'm usually not a believer in divine intervention, or "signs from above" but this just really sticks with me. Not only was it 2 weeks ago that I got the letter from NY state saying if his BF didn't also register, even if my son did, they would not release any info- Its a week after I tried to contact said BF, and got absolutely nowhere...he deleted(or his wife did) his email addy....After he got the message..go figure(LOL) then to get my Bs's info on his BF's birthday was just too ironic and eerie for me I still feel like my head is going to explode- I can't sleep very well, and i don't seem to be able to focus much on anything other than this.... I'm leaning towards doing nothing-- at least in this hour, I feel scizophrenic cause i keep changing the direction that I'm leaning to by the hour-- or so it seems......

I think your gut feeling about not contacting the aparents first is valid, for many reasons.Take your time...this is a lot to process.In my situation, I was a total wreck...cried constantly for three months, rarely left the house, some days didn't even get dressed. It was really hard dealing with all of my stuff that had been buried for 36 years. It was a painful beginning for me, but we're all doing great now...It might be helpful to see if there is an adoption triad support group in your area. Have you read the adoption "classics" such as "The Girls Who Went Away" or "Primal Wound?"Just know that we're here for you as you find your way on the reunion path...Hugs,Susan

Dear alwaysmissingu, You must have posted a similar question in two different forums because I responded earlier to another thread. Yes, I like the idea of an intermediary. If you know someone who can send a letter telling him that his bmom is available if and when he wants contact or has any questions, he would be less intimidated if he's not ready. It would be not as scary to hear from a third party. An 18 year old in college is already in the middle of his own self-discovery and may or may not be ready for a reunion. Hopefully he will be comforted knowing that his bmom is still thinking of him and wishes him the best. I personally wouldn't contact his aparents. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, and I believe in "signs". I was "found" by some cousins of my deceased bdad though an online query -- I still think it's ironic how the thought to type in my birthdate and city of birth on google came from nowhere one night -- I was not actively searching because I figured my bparents were dead. Sometimes I feel I was "directed" that evening. It turned out that my first contact with my cousin two days later was on my bmom's birthday -- coincidence or spiritual intervention? It's great that you have found your son; there's no harm in waiting to contact him if you're not sure he's ready. If you do write him, I would suggest timing the correspondence early in the college semester or quarter -- not too close to finals when he'll be really stressed out -- you can find the academic calendar online. Good luck.

Kerri, when my DH graduated from college, he put his name and contact info at the agency (so they would release it if she contacted the agency). She never did go back to the agency and he contacted her directly at 41 years old. I am just wondering if you can look to see if he has "registered" with the agency?? (I suspect most adoptees don't even know that they can do this.) I also don't think there is harm in contacting him, and an intermediary makes sense I think too. I can say that even at DH's age, it has been kind of "emotional" for DH, so I am not sure how an 18 year old would "deal" with it, but I don't think it is ever bad to know that someone cares and is thinking of you. (Frankly, I think things would have been easier for DH if he had reunited with his birth mom when they were both younger). I remember someone saying that 18 year olds are usually looking to "break away" from their parents, so if he does not want contact/relationship right now, I wouldn't think that is "forever" (just that you need to be emotionally prepared I think either way!). Best of luck!!

Thank you for your support and views- It means alot to me- (whether or not someone has the same views doesn't matter- i just REALLY appreciate the feedback) For right now, I'm still deciding what to do- I really want him to know that I'm here for him if he ever wants or needs me... I do not want to overwhelm him, or cause him emotional pain or anything bad... I will not contact his parents, as my heart is telling me not to- I'm just praying that he was told ..and this won't be a huge shock to him, but I'm reasonably sure that they did- I'm trying to be prepared in case he wants nothing to do with me.. again, its his choice... that may be another reason I'm waiting.... I don't know I'm still so confused..... Thanks again for your input everyone!! Kerri If I do this , I go to him...

Kerri, I agree with lovejax, You, need to slow down and be emotionally prepared. He is after all only 19..I know 19 is a long time when a mom is wondering and sad not knowing. However, You might think about e-mail, with simply asking if he is adopted, 19 yrs. old,(name of town, state, and date of birth)...type of thing(of course in your own words). My twin sons are now 22, will be 23 next month. I have not found them. I have hired a C.I., and she e-mailed me this morning, is going to call this afternoon. I guess maybe I am unique in the way..I do not have this rushi into desire to meet them, I feel if THEY CHOOSE to contact me, I would like it to be slow and e-mail type get-to-know-ya kind of thing. I will do as they wish. I chose to not look until I felt they had 4 yrs of college time to release all those penned up emotions, (hooray getting rid of the parents,party time,study time, finding my way time) under their belt! I think in the end only you will know in your heart what is the right thing to do, it's been 19 yrs. whats a few more days to decide? Blessings..please keep us posted, I need to know how it is going! C.J.