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We recently opened our adoption to my daughter's step-grandfather. He is the only person she really remembers from her birthfamily. He is OK, not in good health, and has had trouble in the past respecting boundaries. We discussed the importance of this before we ever had a visit together and he agreed to go by our guidelines.
Last week he called and my daughter answered the phone. I could hear him asking her to give her brother (in a new adoptive home) his phone number so he can call him. Well No. I took the phone and told him that we would NOT do that but I would tell his new parents that he would like contact. I told him that the boy should not be the one to make that decision.
Today we had a visit. He always brings pictures and I asked him to stop giving pictures will just anyone in them. If other members of the family are in them to give them to me. Well, he did that but the ones he had for her had a few of "Nanny". He also pulled out a stuffed animal and 2 dolls from Nanny.
As soon as my daughter ran off to play I told him that we agreed to only open this up to him. Nanny is on drugs/alcohol, abused her own kids, and is often on the streets. She is bipolar (supposedly) and I do not want to have her presence in our life right now. My daughter has no memory of her. I am not trying to be judgmental but my daughter was removed from the birthfamily's care for abuse/neglect. I told him that this woman was a part of that and I do not want any more cards. gifts or pictures of her included. He agreed.
I am still angry about this. I feel like if you give him an inch he takes a mile. Had I not said anything she would have been at the next visit. I want my daughter to have a connection. I am trying very hard with this. Does anyone have any advice? Am I asking for too much in this situation?
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We had the same problem with MIL and SIL proxying for BIL (abusive first father). Once they brought a 5x7 framed picture of him and gave it to her, saying "you can keep this on your dresser or by your bed." She now dutifully does that--even though she had many, many pictures of him in her lifebook and memories box and never made a move to display any of them. We put down the same boundary--no carrying water for the guy. He could contact us directly (another example of manipulation and triangulation, he had them convinced he could not and that we did not "let her have" his letters or gifts, which was NOT true) if he wanted to, give her anything he wanted through us, not others. The one thing he has never given her is the only thing she actually needs from him--an apology. She is here and not there with him for a reason. They have to respect that even if they don't, won't, and can't know the whole story. I think they have a very narrow view of acceptability--as long as he himself wasn't physically present, they didn't see the problem. From there, they graduated for awhile to thinking that as long as he wasn't drunk or acting out, he was OK for her to be around...No, not as long as she has nightmares about him and doesn't want to see him. Your request is very reasonable IMO.
It doesn't sound like you are over reacting. You have rules because you know it is the best thing for the mental health of your child. I have found that the bio family that is immediately involved with a child fail to acknowledge what "X" person/persons have done to cause the child to be taken into care in the first place. I liken it to having blinders on. Because of this, they really don't understand why certain things are now not allowed. The lessen the abuse/neglect in their minds. All they know is that they love the child, and "X" loves the child.
Before the next visit, you might reiterate the rules and also let him know that if he brings anything for you that you need to see it first. This way, you can police what she gets form him. Make it clear what the result will be if he violates the safety rules.
You could tell them that their gift are welcome under the Christmas tree, it is less obvious and you would be able the check if they are appropriate or not. As for pictures thank them for bringing them bit tell them that in the future that will no longer be necessary since you already have them for her in a memory book..
I don't think you over reacted at all, looking back on my experience growing up in a foster home I can identify with your efforts to guard your child from such attacks. My birth mother (didn't want to use the abbrevation for birthmother lol) use to try the same tactics to get in my head and cause disruptions in my foster home.
You did the right thing in my option, it's your responsibility as their mother to protect them and insure peace in every area of their lives that you are able. I didn't always understand that growing up but now I am thankful for the interference my foster mother gave in those areas.
Be encourage!
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You aren't over-reacting at all, but his manouevre is pretty typical My FS's b-dad tried using HIM that way - to carry gifts and messages to younger siblings adopted elsewhere. It actually ended up costing my FS his visits - it was one reason the sibling's adoptive parents cut him off for a while. I'm still mad about it, because as an emotionally damaged 16 year old, he didn't have the good sense or judgement not to carry out this guy's wishes. The bio-d should have known better.