Birthmother Stereotypes

I understand, and I was just pointing out for the people that assume that it is like mother like daughter.... even when we do have a parallel event in our lives, we don't have to be alike, just pointing out a stereotype :)

I don't feel I had stereotypes put on me in real life. Judgements, yes. Stereotypes, not that I can recall. Or maybe people thought them but didn't comment to my face like they did with the judgements. Mostly of the "How could you DO THAT?" or "I could NEVER give away my baby!" type of statements. I sometimes think we birthmoms are thought of worse than someone who keeps their baby and goes on to abuse or neglect that child. As far as on this board, I'm not sure if the anonymity of the internet emboldens some to make statements they wouldn't dare say to someone's face, or if it just brings out other types of people that I don't encounter IRL (and frankly wouldn't have the time for, either), but I do think some people have personal issues with birthmothers that they project onto the birthmoms here and also have their own unresolved internal issues, but rather than facing those things, it's easier to blame or find fault with the birthmom. Birthmoms make an easy scapegoat, especially when we can be villified. We gave up our children, after all! We MUST be unnatural, unwomanly, stupid, cold, unfeeling, twisted, etc. (but ironically, as others have mentioned, it is the birthmom who makes it possible for the adoptive mom to be a mom in the first place!). To me, it's more a reflection of them, and their own insecurities, however. Sometimes it's better to take it with a grain of salt and consider the source. There are many wonderful amoms on this site, and I am personally blessed to have had my son placed with a terrific mom who has always treated me with respect. Hopefully, one day I will get to meet her!

I think maybe it would be easier to read the stereotypes if they didn't come from other women in the adoption triad. That's the thing I just can't wrap my head around. As women, we know how much it is of a struggle to raise children. We know what it costs us emotionally, physically, spiritually & financially. We witness it in our own lives, in those of our family, friends, & co-workers. But we can be so very vicious when another woman doesn't live up to what our idea of a good mom is. For the record: [LIST] I am a divorced 37 year old AA woman. I am mother to a 13 yr old girl & 11 year old boy I am a registered nurse (since 1993) & specifically a critical care pediatric nurse (since 2001) I have never done drugs but love a good margarita My children & I have visited 16 states & 7 countries I chose adoption for my last child (Jellybean) I was in SF with friends being a little hoochie when Jellybean was conceived (yep, the condom BROKE) My financial situation is equal to that of my Jellybean's adad I love my Jellybean fiercely, but know that his dad can give him the emotional, physical & spiritual support that I cannot give at this time. [/LIST] I'd just ask a few amom's to THINK before they post. Post as if their child's bmom frequents this forum & reads their words. I'm sure only a minute number of women would say to their bmom's face what they post on these boards about what they REALLY think of her.

I am an amom and have to admit PRIOR to adopting my daughter, I had a sterotype in my head of bmoms. (usually young was the main thing) So one would think Me of all people would understand when people sterotype my dd bmom. That's not the case. I am very protective of her. she was in her mid 20's with a nursing degree and married to the father andthey had another child together. Did not do drugs (however bdad was struggling with an addiction to prescribed pain killers) The exact opposite of what most people visualize when thinking of an bmom. And although I myself don't totally understand them placing this beautiful baby, I do have a new respect for a mothers love. Sometimes loving a child the most means realizing when you can't be the "right" mother for that child at this point in your life. I have watched my dd bmom with her son. She is a wonderful mom, but in her eyes she could not be a wonderful mom to two children. I have educated everyone I know on adoption and not sterotyping and it has made a difference in this small town, sadly though I don't think it is possible to educated everyone. SOme people are just closed minded. But from this amom, know that there are amom out here trying to educate those around us.

I think the thing that stresses me out the most about stereotypes is NOT what people will say about my past - it's what they'll say about my future. Will I wait the appropriate amount of time before having another child? Will my next child be viewed as a "replacement child"? Will I be judged if there should be an "accident" and I'm not married to my child's father (again)? If I have a few drinks this weekend others say it be "to ease the pain"? How long do I need to wait to sleep with the guy I'm dating so that I don't face a world of judgement? I'm clearly already predisposed to being a whore....what with that pregnancy and all! It's EXHAUSTING.

Startedover, One voice does make a difference, having the strength to go against the popular attitude is something to be very proud of. Thank you,Dickons

Obviously there are always stereotypes and judgements..it's a fact of life. Whether it's right, wrong, unecessary etc., it's there. I think it's important to quell them and speak against them and think most of you do a great job at that. Sometimes too though, there is an assumption made that a person is stereotyping when they are not. If I post about my child's situation regarding anything to do with their other mom, I'm talking about MY situation. I have opinions formed from that situation and while I'm sure it can be applied to others, that doesn't mean I'm stereotyping anyone. kwim? We can't take everything so personally I guess is what I'm saying. If one of you posts something about your child's amom, I'm not going to apply that to myself. It's not me. I wouldn't likely post some specifics of my kids' other mom because I know I'd get jumped on by some. Yet, it's not even about anyone here...nor does it apply to all first moms in general. If my kids other mom had another child, yes, I'd have judgement about her. That wouldn't apply to you, so why take it on? And why assume that I think that about every first mom out there? Obviously "you" is general, my post isn't directed at anyone specific, and I do recognize that this situation of stereotypes DO exist. And we do need to quell those stereotypes about any side. Which is why I'm hoping that EVERYONE takes a bit more care in forming their words, and to WHERE they post. :)

I forgot to post this too. This is more for those reading but who won't post... I had sex as a teen. I had sex in college. And after college. I wasn't promiscuous, but certainly wasn't an angel either. And let's just say by some people's standards I was promiscuous. That's fine...I have my own opinion on that one, and it's the only one that counts.;) Just so happened that I am infertile and none of my "oopses" could result in a pregnancy. Kind of wish I'd known that so I could have saved a lot of money on the pill. So for anyone making judgements on women who faced the decision to place...think about this....it could have been any one of us in that situation. And I'm willing to bet that a big number of women who did place or have an unplanned pregnancy didn't do a lot of things I did. Who's the one to judge here? Hmmm...

Thanks for this Crick. I appreciate your honesty on this matter...I think it's important for people to realize how close they were to possibly finding themselves in my shoes.

Dickons wrote: "Truly, if you think about it, it makes you sad...when the reality is that if an adoptive parent thinks their childs birth parents are trash what do they think of their child? Even if they would never ever say anything in front of their child, don't you think that the attitudes they teach their child will not in the end bite them? We get more info from non-verbal cues than we get from the actual words, especially as children. If my parents had spoke meanly about birth parents I would have felt it was a reflection of how they felt about me."Dickons, you posted exactly what I was thinking as I read this thread. My Bmom, in her inability to discuss my relinquishment, never really explained why she relinquished. The only thing I recall her ever really telling me was that she had a coworker at the time, who had kept her child. This was back in the 60's. She said she saw how everyone treated this girl and her child. She did not want that for me. I find that fact a little ironic. Though my adoptive parents never implied anything about my bio parents, numerous other extended adoptive family members shunned my Abro and I because we were supposedly "illigitimate". They did not know the circumstances of our adoptions. They just assumed our bio parents were the stereo types, and though I recall nothing ever being said to my face, they did in fact look down on us. My Aparents knew it and so did we even though we were just children. Isn't it interesting how my Bmom thought that by placing me, she was protecting me from a stereo type, and in fact placing me did nothing to protect mee from being stereo typed as an "illigitmate" child. My Bparents were not drug addicted, troubled, emotionally unstable, uneducated, screw ups. They were young adults just out in the worl trying to find themselves, experimenting with life, having fun, foot loose and fancy free, just like I was at that age. They were no different from any other young adult of the 1960s, 70s, 80s, 90s, etc. In youth everyone, and I do mean everyone, does things they may wish they hadn't, may regret. My bPs may not be on my list of most favorite people at the moment. I will be the first to tell you they are and were irresponsible and imature in their handling of my conception, relinquishment, and subsequent reunions. I will say this to anyone who would like to judge them and place them in the typical stereo typ of birth parents. I suggest you take a good look in your own closet first. I would venture to wager that a good majority of those, who would stereo type a birth parent, have had more than one sexual partner before marriage. I would also venture out to say that the same majority have also, uhm, experimented, to some degree with an illegal substance at some time in their lives. Yes, I would also be willing to bet that a good majority have also partaken in a little too much alcohol at least once in their life resulting in possibly making a fool of themselves or doing something they might not want to admit to. I am guilty of all these things, as are the majority of people in the world today. Before anyone places a label on birthparents, keep in mind you are aalso placing that label on that birth parents child, knowingly or not. I hope you will also keep in mind that you are talking about an adoptees biological parents, and though some of us may not admit it, realize it, or acknowledge it, it has an effect on us and it bites big time. It's like two divorced parents bad-mouthing each other. Please think before you speak. As an adoptee, my bio parents and my adoptive parents, neither of the four being perfect in any way, are all important to me. They all need to respect each other, and they need to do it for me, because, as another member on this forum says so much better than I can, and I agree, were it not for the "adoptee" there would be no adoption, or issues to go with it.

I have been following this thread with great interest. I have a lot of thoughts on the subject, but here is the one point I want to make the most (so hopefully people will read it!) My son's birthmother does not fit the stereotype at all...but beyond that, I believe even those birthparents who fit the stereotype deserve our respect. I teach creative writing in a jail. The most moving moment I have ever had was when one of the inmates chose to place her young daughter for adoption after she received a 6 year sentence. She could have kept her parental rights and sent her daughter into the foster care system. But she loved her daughter so much that it killed her to think of her possibly being shuffled around from home to home. She knew by the time she was released it would be too late to undo the possible damage. So in her last act of parenting, she chose a family for her daughter from jail. This woman, Tiffany, fit all the stereotypes of a birthmom. She was a drug addict from a dysfunctional poor family. But she was also a kind and creative person who desperately wanted to get her life back together so that when she was released she could live a life her daughter could be proud of. I watched Tiffany as she read the story of giving birth to her daughter to a roomful of inmates. She told the story through a torrent of tears, but she told it, the whole story of how she would suffer anything for the child she loved, even if it meant she could not parent her ever again. Tiffany said that she would not subject her child to the hellish kind of childhood she had, instead she would find her a safe place and let her go. There was not a dry eye in the place when she was done...and I am including the hardened guards. In jail, struggling with addiction and poverty, she still deserved my respect for making the hardest choice any parent could ever make.

Well said Portlotski, well said and anyone who thinks letting another parent their child is easy then they clearly have never felt the pain of loss. Shawdowrider, yes, yes and yes...you said it better than I could. Crick and Shawdowrider - anyone who will not say they have made a mistake (or twenty) is lying and perhaps should remove the rose colored glasses they see themselves through. Kind regards to all,Dickons

Port - that is beautiful, sad, and so so very true. You are right - everyone deserves respect no matter what, who, or why. It is so easy to get hung up on stereotypes or judgments. It is so unfair. How many times have you heard, or been guilty of doing it, someone say something judgemental, only to have the person you are talking to, say "that's me". The response is usually, "well, I don't mean you, I mean, you had such and such reason". It happens all the time. How very sad. I am going to try to think about Tiffany everytime I feel my judging get the better of me.

As I've said before, there is always love involved. Thanks for sharing that story port... And J's mom...I so know what you mean 'well I don't mean you...' It irks me like the 'no offense' and then people go on to offend... I also get that here as an immigrant, people will talk about 'those immigrants' and I say 'yea, like me'. 'Oh not like YOU of course' of course??

Well said:flower: