Advertisements
Hello:
I'm new to the site and am an adoptee who recently found my birthmother. She gave me up 30 years ago because she was in high school and was too young. We've been emailing back and forth but she has said from the beginining that she does not think she can have a relationship. However she has agreed to a one time meeting with me and also my birthfather who she's kept in touch with.
She has 2 college age daughters that she never told about the adoption, but states that this isn't the only reason she can't have a relationship. She says the other reason is that she made peace with her decision many years ago and feels she did the right thing. I agree that she made the right decision and I've had a great life, but I'm still not sure that she's given me the real reason as to why she doesn't want a relationship.
She had a very loving 6 year relationship with my bfather and they are still in touch so I don't think it would have anything to do with bad memories of the relationship.
I thought it might be helpful to get a birthmothers prespective on the situation. I'm very sad that she does not want a relationship and am wondering if any of you would have some insight into what she may be thinking.
Thanks!!
Like
Share
Emerald,
Not knowing your mother I cant tell you what her motivation might be, however I can tell you that 30 years ago it would have been drummed into her head that she couldnҒt be a good mother, that it was in the best interest of you to go to a two-parent, secure home, that she had to move on, put your birth behind her, etc. etc. etc. You most likely would have been a secret that she kept hidden for years. And, shes quite possibly worried about the implications of telling her parented children about you.
I recommend giving her time and enjoy the face-to-face meeting with her and your birth father.
I also recommend reading ғThe Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler, it is a real eye-opener.
Good luck!
Advertisements
What paige said!
And don't take it personally!! I'm so glad she wants to have one face to face with you, I'm hoping she'll change her mind.
It's possible that part of her reasoning is that she's protecting herself. She probably feels she has no right to be in your life and doesn't want to take that leap.
Just one idea.
Good luck and let us know how your f2f goes!
I'm assuming your adoption was a closed one and your bmom was told, as others said, to move on, and bury her feelings about everything. In those days, things like counseling were not available and a lot of bmoms just stuffed their feelings and tried to move on as best as they could. Telling others would bring up terrible judgements and feelings of shame. There is often a lot of guilt involved too. So even though reunion can be exciting and something a bmom really longs for, it is also a time when all these buried feelings will come to the surface and she likely is overwhelmed with them. It's going to take time. It's hard to stuff everything and be "in the closet" about something as profound as having a child. To all of a sudden be open about it is extremely difficult, esepcially if in the past a bmom was judged severely for it, and she likely was. Even today, it's not something that can be easily talked about or discussed and to be fully open about. If your bmom feels she put everything behind her, she will now be confronted with integrating you into her life and how this will all fit in the family dynamic. Sometimes this can bring up more feelings of grief and loss for all she has missed. Keep in mind that you, too, may have feelings come up that will seemingly come out of nowhere. It's all part of the reunion process and it takes time to work through these emotions, which can be quite painful or difficult. Hopefully, in time, your birthmom will be able to open up more and develop a relationship, but I say take it slow and give it time. You will also likely have strong feelings come up and will need to take the time for yourself to work through them. Although your bmom indicates now she does not want a relationship, I think the fact that she is so agreeable to a face-to-face meeting says more. If she was really adamant about not wanting a relationship, I think she'd be afraid to move forward with an in-person meeting. Perhaps once she meets you, her feelings will change. I would keep my expectations minimal but hope for the best. Maybe let her know you'd like a relationship and are willing to take things step by step. She might not be ready now, but willing to keep the door open for the future.