I feel so worn out...

Sorry, This got kind of long. It's just a rant more or less over my mom. I just needed to spout. I'm just so worn out right now. I think it's come to a point that I have to put my mom in a home. I don't want to but I don't know anymore if it's worth continuing to try taking care of her at home. She has been so overly demanding that I can't keep up. I have no outside help with her at the moment other than once a week nursing care (15 whole minutes once a week) and twice a week with physical and occupational therapy (30 minutes each time) and now that I'm signed up to get paid for the C.O.P.E.S. program to take care of her I am not allowed to have any free time and have anyone else come into the home to do anything. I'm not allowed respite care to come in either. At least that's what I've understand because respite care would be paid and I can't have anyone else come into the house that is paid to take care of my mom as long as I'm on the C.O.P.E.S payroll. I was told that I can't pay anyone to take care of my mom so I can go somewhere. IF I have anyone take care of her while I go to the store for instance to get something she needs, they can't be someone I'd pay. IF I do, they remove me from the program to get paid and they can fine me or even put me in jail. At least that's what I undertand from the class I went to the other day to get this started. I still haven't gotten the paperwork that says I am "hired" but if I do continue with this so I can have the extra money I won't EVER get another break as long as I'm doing it. I'm considering NOT going through with it because of all the restrictions on me and my getting away from my mom occationally for more than an hour while my husband takes care of her. My mother is doing things that are deliberatly to cause problems. She won't do anything to help herself get better she just lays around being depressed about being paralized. I know she has a right to feel upset about it. I don't blame her for that. I would be feeling the same way I am sure. But what I do get upset about is her making me do everything she won't do that she could do. I was told by the occupational therapist to do a "tough love" thing on my mom and "make" her do things but I feel guilty if she is in her chair and refuses to move herself out of her room becuase it's "hard" to roll herself in the wheelchair across the carpet and then she just sits there for hours. I feel GUILTY like I"m hurting her so I just wheel her into the living room from her bedroom. She won't wheel herself from the living room into the kitchen (only a few feet away) to get herself bottled water from the fridge even though it's all on a shelf that is at her level to reach and always close enough to the edge to grab. She keeps saying, "It's too hard" and then goes without water because she doesn't want to get it herself so I get it for her. There's many other things she could do herself that physically is within her reach to do with her upper body but she refuses and just chooses not to do things and then I end up doing them becuase I don't want her to not have what she needs. She won't eat the food we cook for her anymore without griping. She says it's too hard to eat because she doesn't have enough teeth. She has MORE teeth than I do and I eat whatever I want to eat. But we accomodate her want with softer food and she ends up complaining about that too because she's tired of the limited "menu" she has to choose from. I'm just so tired I can't see straight. She will start in nagging me to get this or that before I've even had a chance to finish something else I'm trying to do for her. Today I haven't been feeling very well and it's been extremely hard to lift her and put her in her bed from her chair or chair to her bed and my asthma has been acting up pretty bad. I had lost my breath and was trying to catch it before working on something else and she suddenly without waiting for me to catch my breath said, "I need help getting to the top of the bed". It wasn't something of an emergency yet she just couldn't wait for me to catch my breath. I got rather upset with her over it because it's constant, day in and day out and I just want her to give me a chance to do things before she starts nagging me and let me catch my breath litterally when I need to which is usually after I've had to transfer her from her chair to the bed or visa versa. She thinks I'm being unreasonable and says she's sick of me being upset all the time. She expects me to smile like that stupid idiot on the "male enhancement" comercial whose name is "Bob". You know the one with the "permanant" huge toothy smile that is ridiculous. My mom just thinks I'm the one who is in the wrong and that she's done nothing wrong. She not only nags me about everything and wanting me to do things in a "snap of the fingers" but she wont' try to do anything to help herself get stronger arms and other body parts she can do. She just wants to lay in bed all day and fights me to getting her in her chair because she just wants to lay around in bed feeling sorry for herself. I just can't deal with this anymore unless there is some outside help (that I can't seem to find any of) that will actually give me the ability to take care of her and also get things done I can't do myself. I just don't KNOW what to do right now. I hate it that a nursing home is the only other option that has been brought up since I've been having such a hard time :hissy: :hissy: Thanks for listening to me spout. I just need some way to release this frustration before I go crazy. Rylee