Another year...

Welcome :flowergift: I don't have much in the way of words of wisdom, but I hope I can help out with the kind words. I've got a two and a half year old daughter whom I see about twice a year as part of our open adoption. I'm afraid that you've lived through one of my greatest fears....and I can't imagine how hard it must be to push through. I think it's WONDERFUL that you continue your part sending updates, gifts, etc. (On a side note, I would keep copies of any letters, updates, so that you may one day share them with your daughter if she doesn't receive them). I wish I had more/better advice for you, but I know that the women I've met here have been ROCKS for me these past two years. I know you'll find great support as well.

Thank you...Kind words and a place to be heard is probably what I need most. 11 years is a long time to not have that...My husband doesn't even really understand. I was making copies of my letters but have gotten away from it. I guess i really should start again.

Dear DK, welcome to the forums.I can relate to your concerns in someways. While I did not marry my bson's (birthson's) father, I did marry and raise two children. I too worried occasionally that I was not being as good a mother to them as I should have been because of the pain and sadness that surfaced periodlically. Unlike you, I spent over 32 years not knowing if D was alive or dead. In some ways that makes it easier to compartmentalize - to tuck it away in the back of my mind most of the time. My advice to you is to live each day as fully as you can. Be as present as you can for the children you are raising. You only have to live one day at a time; try to let go of the stuff you can't change.

Hugs for you DK. I'm so sorry that your adoption has closed up. Perhaps they will open again in the future. I relinquished in 1985 in a closed adoption situation and completely understand the pain and sadness that you speak of. It took me a long time to accept that it was ok, and normal. It took a long time to understand a bit more where it was really coming from. Talk, share, read. Hopefully it will help you to know you're not alone!

I am sorry you are hurting. Were you ever told that they wanted to close the adoption. Maybe it is time to try and open up a dialog with them. It could not hurt to ask. This might not be a burned bridge.

When we signed the papers we set up a schedule for photos that would taper off. I didn't want to feel like I was forcing them into a lifetime commitment. Her amom was very comfortable with open adoptions but her adad wasn't. She'd send around 50 pictures at a time at first. Notes on the back and all. She said a few times that she couldn't see herself stopping that. So every year at christmas and my daughters bday (st patty's day :) I tell them how much I miss hearing from them. I ask for a picture or a quick note but try not to pressure them or sound angry either. No response yet but I have no choice but to keep trying... Thank you everyone for listening. I wish I found this place sooner....

Keep being consistant. I do believe that it will be important to your daughter to know you are thinking of her.

dklevy ~ Welcome! I am sorry you are hurting so much. We all understand The anniversary month for me is always the hardest and every year seems to be harder than the year before. I was in a similar situation as far as being in a semi open adoption and then the aparents just stopped. I relate completely to losing your daughter when contact ended. I never thought it would happen. I trusted them to follow through with their promises. I suggest to keep writing to them. I know it is hard to. Chances are they will continue to save your correspondence for your daughter even if they do not contact you back. Your daughter will appreciate it! :flower: Quantum has some excellent advise! œTalk, share, read. It will help! :)

I believe that in the long run this will help tremendously. Right now it's gonna hurt like hell to actaully feel what I've tucked away for so long. But I have to face this [and some other unhealed] wounds or they will continue to eat away at me. Since my husband has come back he has been much more suportive but just doesn't truly understand. As my supervisor said - well he is a guy! My current co-workers are great. I guess that has something to do with it being social services and working across the hall from CPS and the foster care/adoption unit. My extended family never really acknoweldged the adoption. When I brought my brag book they basically said "that's nice" or "okay". Didn't break out the pictures again. My parents and sister wanted me to keep S.E. (her aparents named her exactly what my great aunt would teasing call S.N.!!!:p ) So I didn't ever feel like I was forced into my decision. But it still hurt and I really didn't even know where to go for support. At least now I do! The strangest thing dawned on me today - and perhaps this is TMI or just hopeless rambling but here it goes in any case - I am so nervous about my switching off the depo cause I'm gonna hate the regular reminder that I CAN have more kids. Like it tore me up when I was talking about a tubal and my husband M said "well it's not like we want anymore". Truth is I desperately want more kids running around the house! When he left three years ago he also gave custody of his other 2 kids back to their mother. I went from 24/7 caring for the 3 kids to being a single mother of 1 w/out ANY rights to the two I had been raising. I've adjusted fairly well and am very grateful that I was never excluded from their lives by their mother, but my house is still soooo empty. At the same time though I don't think I could handle another infant. I keep going round and round in my head and heart. No wonder so few people get what I'm trying say. Sometimes I don't even fully get it....