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Im posting in this forum because I am interested in the opinions of birth families more so than the opinions of other adoptees ( who I suspect, perhaps mistakenly, will tend to share my views based on a bias)
I was in a reunion for 9 years. I am currently 20, full time international law student. I ended my reunion mere weeks ago, because of problems with my bsister (she was insanely jealous, and did not want a relationship) My bfather made exscuses for her until he was blue in the face, and paternal grandparents considered me a disruption in their family , and that adoptions were best left closed. These problems had been going on for at leas 4 years, before I decided to end our reunion a few weeks ago.
I called my bsister to try and reason with her (late last month), and she rejected me. ғ You are not in our circle, she said plainly, without a trace of malice. I told her that I didnԒt understand. YouӒre not in our family anymore. I dont know why you want to pretend that you are. To me you are the same as our mother. I canҒt separate you from her. You are an outsider. You are disrupting us. You are not in our circle. I tried very hard not to cry. I am a compassionate person. I was taught to have empathy, to show sympathy and understanding. I tried to remember that she was only sixteen years old, and that she had had a difficult life. I tried to tell myself that she was immature. I tried to feel sorry for her. It didnԒt work. The phone shook in my hand. I asked her what she really wanted to say.
I donӒt want to hate you, or fight with you. But I dont want you in my life. I donҒt love you. You arent my sister. I have my family here. My circle. Our mother was not in the circle. You are not in the circle.Ҕ
My birthmother has drug/alcohol problems, and has been an unsteady at best figure in my bsisters life.
My birthfather cried when I told him that I needed a break, for at least a few years. He begged me not to do it. He told me that he loved me and that I was his child. I told him to please not call me anymore, that we shouldnt talk for at least a few years. I had always wanted to believe that his family would be happy to have me in their lives again, but that wasnҒt the reality. I needed to deal with that knowledge. I needed to sort myself out.
If you ever need anything, call me,Ӕ he said. IӒll wait for your call. God, Ive ruined everything. I didnҒt know what I was doing. I thought I would forget. I didnt know it was going to be like this.Ҕ I told him that we all make decisions. He and Cathleen had made theirs, my grandparents had made theirs, Ellen had made hers, and I was making mine.
We make our decisions,Ӕ I said, and then we live with them.Ӕ I told him again that I was sorry, sorrier than he could know.
I love you, IӒm sorry, he said, sadly. He was no longer crying. ԓ You are my family. I dont want you to do this. Please, youҒre my child. I was silent on the line.
ԓI love you sweetheart. I told him that I knew, and that I was sorry. I hung up the phone.
I had so desperately wanted to fix this. I had agreed to a relationship with them before I was even a teenager because I had wanted to fix everything. I thought that having them in my life again would close that part of my life, so I could go forward. It didnԒt work. I tried for years and years to build a healthy relationship with them, to give them all the time they needed to heal and think and process. It didnt work. I sent out birthday and Christmas cards, made biweekly phone calls, rode horses that I was afraid of, bought plane tickets even though I hated flying, allowed my sister to bruise my leg, and faced the past that I was so afraid of. Nothing worked.
I feel relieved. I feel better, but I am still so angry at myself. I feel like I am at fault. I have enrolled in therapy. I am trying to work this out. It has brought up so many feelings of guilt and anger. Have I done the right thing? Was I selfish to initiate a reunion to begin with so many years ago? My bfther accused me of not being able to handle ғhow is family is, is that true? Is this my fault, my lack of understanding and sympathy? I tried for so many years.
I am sorry that I hurt my bfather ( my sister, I'm sure, is thrilled) I canԒt help but be afraid that this is really my problem, not theirs, and that I should be ashamed for what Ive done.
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How is your relationship with your A parents....how do they feel about this....what advice do they have? Although it is obvious a relationship with your bsister is out of the question (for the time being) why can't you continue to have a relationship with your bfather....lunch once a month, phone calls, etc. He can't control the way your bsister feels, nor should he - it is not for her to pay for the choices her parents made. This is a hard situation for an adult.....much less a child - give her time......your bdad obviously loves you and I don't understand why it's all or nothing? So sorry for your pain - things will work themselves out with time.
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He allows her to treat me however she pleases. She has abused me verbally, over the phone and in person, hurts my feelings on purpose, has slammed my leg in the car door on purpose( and never denied it). He enables her out of control and manipulative behavior. he tells me that she has had a rough childhood, and that I should be the one to be mature and stoic nomatter what she throws at me.
I had given him many opportunities over the months to have a relationship with just he and I , no other family members involved. He cannot separate it. His need for me to be a part of his family , in its entirety, is so strong that he doesn't see it appropriate that I not converse with his family. We've tried, and tried again, but I keep getting sucked into the drama. And trust me, there is tons of drama is this family. A lot of it surrounding my placement, but not all of it. None of which I can handle, nor do I think I am called upon to handle.
My parents agree wholeheartedly with me. At first they were hesitant, as they themselves are both psychiatrists and they felt that I should always try and work things out rather than just call it quits because it's the easiest thing to do. They are not the type of parents to agree with their child blindly. They know my bfather personally on many levels, have heard his conversations with me, and know exactly what is going on. It took them a few months to come around and support my decision to cut off contact for a while. In fact, towards the end, they offered to call him FOR me, should I not feel courageous or strong enough to tell my bfather myself that I needed a break. (he can be very persuasive). Of course I declined, as I don't feel having them do the dirty work would be appropriate or particularly mature of me.
The family is so tied up in their craziness, craziness that has lasted over 20 years, that my feelings always had to take a backseat. I could not force my bsister to love me , or my bgrandparents to accept me, and I could not force my bfather to be the parent he ought to be and help his daughter work through her problems. I couldn't force any of them to change, and when it became clear after years and years of struggle, that they weren't going to. I finally had to take a stand, and make a change for myself.
It seems that you are very mature for 20, and that she is very immature for 16. Your bfather seems to let her act the way he does because he feels guilty for the choices that he made that affect her past & present life. Perhaps one good thing about you taking a breather will be that he can concentrate on finishing out her teen years without her feeling like she has to compete for his attention. No, you have not done anything wrong, and it sounds like you are a better person for what you have learned and experienced with your bfamily. All of life is not fun, but it is learning. The therapy will help you deal with the anger & bitterness, thus making room for more joy & happiness that you certainly deserve. I suspect when your bsister grows up, in the next several years, she may initiate contact with you. You will be ready then, but it is too soon for her now. You are an awesome being with aparents who obviously love you so much. Good luck to you!
How sad that you should feel ashamed about this. I'm so sorry to read this.
Why is it we feel that as adoptees or birth parents, that we have to love each other? Or rather, like each other?
Aren't we all people? Are we entitled to not like some people we come in contact with in our lives? You do not like your bsister - for some pretty obvious reasons. It's a shame she has been allowed to treat you so disrespectfully. Sounds like bfather is trying hard to make up for things the bmother has subjected the entire family to.
Therapy is the right path, in my opinion. This does not at all sound like something you should own in any way. You did everything you could for 9 years.
We are each allowed to have relationships on our own terms. Get yourself mentally healthy with where things are and then decide what (if any) type of relationship you want to have with your father and any other family members.
I'm very happy to hear that your adoptive parents are supportive and loving - it counts for an awful lot.
I wish you well with all of this and hope that you can let go of feeling responsible for how this has turned out.
I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of. You did what you felt best under the circumstances. I have posted before on other threads of yours, but I will say again, that I think if you want a relationship with your birthfather, try to pursue one independently of the others. If he refuses, it is out of your hands, but I don't think you should tolerate abuse from other family members, and if they don't want you in their lives, that is their issue. You have certainly tried, but you cannot make people come around if they are not ready or willing. That is too bad because you sound like a nice person to know. Would your birthfather go to counseling with you? I really don't see why he cannot have contact with you independently.
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I have come to realize that many reunions just turn out toxic. We all want it to be so perfect that for much too long we overlook things we would not normally overlook in our relationships. In my experience, everything went crazy in my reunion when all the family members were in the middle of everything. I realize that nobody lives in a bubble but when dealing with complex family issues, it is sometimes easier to keep it as simple as possible for as long as possible to establish a really solid birthparent-child relationship. I let my family members and his family members get all involved in our reunion and it was one of the contributing factors to the unraveling. I now know that if my son ever wants to reunite with me again, it will be the 2 of us only working things out for quite awhile before I will let anyone else into the relationship. This does not mean I don't want anyone else to have a relationship with him, it means that I did not raise him, I did not have that time with him, and in order to survive 2 completely different families and all the issues families bring to the table, we need to have a rock solid relationship. I agree with others here, if you really miss your birthfather, then try to pursue that relationship only. Set your boundaries, and stay firm. You don't need the drama of your bsister and hopefully all will be well one day in the future. For now, I would recommend contacting him and laying it all out for him. Remember, you are in charge of your own life and you can't be responsible for how others act just how you respond to their actions.
I don't miss him, I'm still too angry. Not so much at him, but at the situation. I'm angry at everyone involved, including myself, for letting it get to the point that it did. It's really disappointing, but I'm finally starting to beleive that I did the right thing. I'm so much...happier. Or at least more relaxed. All of my family and friends believe that he will contact me soon, because " in his mind, his needs will always trump my own." But I doubt it. I hope he doesn't try to contact me, because I don't want to get sucked into all of that dysfunction and drama again. I want a break, and I hope I'm allowed to have it.
Thanks, everyone, for your kind words.
