How would you have wanted your bmom contact to be?

Tough question... I am from the closed era so it was not something that was even a consideration for me. I think that you need to do what feels right for your child and not make a hard and fast agreement for a life schedule before you know how it goes. Perhaps agreeing to a 6 month schedule for visits with a discussion for the next 6-12 months or longer schedule as time goes by. I could be way off base and hopefully others will correct me if I am wrong. I do understand the concern on negativity but perhaps that is a temporary concern because she has been through/going through the hardest thing she has ever done. Whatever you decide you must agree to a united front to the child. Hopefully the adoptees on the board that have lived an open adoption will chime in. The other idea is to ask the birth parents on this forum as they will have some insightful views for you and trust me, you will be well received by them and receive open, honest answers. Good luck,Dickons

I can't answer from an adoptees perspective but I'll go ahead and give you my thoughts from my experience as a birthmother of a six year old son whose adoption has been open for the last 4 1/2 years. Our adoption was originally going to be initial contact at the hospital and after that only letters and pictures. The Amom had a change of heart after our son's birth and proposed open adoption when he was a few months old. The Adad unfortunately was adamantly against the open adoption concept and his list of fears dovetail with yours-fear of confusion, etc, etc. Despite Adad's concerns we did have two visits a the adoption agency during the first year. After those two visits DH (who is also the birthdad) and I felt that it would be helpful to have just the adults meet to talk about our fears and concerns. The four of us parents (b and A) met at a restaurant and talked which I think helped a lot. That said it was another year before we received an e-mail from Adad saying that he had done a lot of thinking and wanted to give open adoption a chance along with an invite for dinner at their house. Our open adoption experience has been very positive and during a recent visit the Adad talked about how well adjusted our bson is and how proud of our relationship he is and how glad he is that he took the leap. We have since gone on to have another child so there's no doubt wanting to have the kids, who are full bio siblings, know each other growing up has been important. Every situation is different and we are very lucky that the four of us parents like each other and get along well. I really do think though that our birthson has not shown one tiniest bit of being confused. In many ways I think that getting to know the birthmother now, when your child is young. If you find that her negativity is just too much for you to deal with, it would be a lot easier to find that out now than later. Maybe you might consider the gradual approach that occured in our relationship and see where it leads. I think that even if the birthmom is the most negative person in the world and infant isn't going to know the difference. You might want to get in touch with Brenda Romanchik, who is a birthmother to a son in open adoption that is now an adult. Brenda has a wealth of experience and is now a Social worker. Here's a link to her site...[url=http://www.openadoptioninsight.org]Home Page[/url] Best of luck to you. -JanetM