Advertisements
I assume that many other people in your life, relatives, friends, etc. know that your husband is not her biological father. I can't imagine it would be good or practical to expect everyone to keep this a lifelong secret from her. If she is told as a young girl (as in now), it spares her the trauma and trust-shattering moment of being "told" (which will inevitably happen, someday, somehow). Truth is best. There is lots of support here for as she grows, for dealing with questions, etc. You can read the "Late Discovery" forum on the adoptees board for more personal stories about why it's not a good idea to think you can keep it from her or even save it until she is older. The sooner she knows, the less trauma there will be for all. I am a stepparent who adopted my husband's son, and I've been helped tremendously by participating in this forum. I fully support what they are requiring you to do and in the end I do believe it will be best for your child and for all of you, even thought it seems hard now. If you're not sure how to go about it, you can consult with a child psych, or maybe even a skilled social worker through your county. There are several threads (you might need to search) on when and how kids should be told that you also might find helpful. You can also keep coming back here for support and advice. Best wishes for you, your husband and your daughter.
Advertisements
You need to tell her because it is 'her truth'...not your truth. I cannot imagine how devasted I would be to find out as an adult that I was adopted. Secrets and lies destroy families...secrets never stay buried and it is less traumatic to know the truth... The reality is that not telling your daughter she is adopted can cause problems due to any potential hereditary diseases...i.e. no heart disease on either side of my family...doctor assumes that there is no hereditary risk factor and does not order the appropriate test that could save her life...and that could and does happen...and you may not be there to tell her differently (that she is adopted and her birth father has heart disease in each generation) when she is 40, 50, 60...there are so many diseases that are hereditary and they are finding out more each year. Also, medical history does not stay static, it is fluid and ever changing over time. Kind regards,Dickons
Because she has a moral entitlement to know her own physicality, her own biology. What actually makes up her....HER DNA Her knowing or not knowing is about her...no one else. no matter how it may make others feel good to decieve her it does't help her. No matter how good it would feel to "get" the person that didn't step up to the plate...it does't help her when she is older and having HER own children. Where and what we came from is basic information that IMO is a human right, not to be covered and kept from the very people that it impacts the most...the ones main up of their biology. sorry, I feel VERY strongly about this and not just in step parent adoptions either. IT applies to adoption(all kinds), sperm, egg, and embro adoptions also. Its great that the child has a wonderful dad now but that has nothing to do with what her bio is and she has every right to know what that is.
Can I ask why you would not want to tell her? It doesn't take away from the fact that your husband IS her daddy. After all, he is the one who is and has been raising her. But the truth is, she has a different biological father and she should know this. And the earlier the better. If it is just a part of her while she is growing up, it won't be a big deal at all. But if it's a big secret and a big lie, it will blow up in the long run. Are you worried that she will feel less love for your husband if she knows he's not her biological father? Or that she will want to have contact with her birthfather that you would rather she didn't have?? I'm just curious as to why you don't want to tell her.