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Hey guys,
I do not know if this is, a personal question as much as it is a general question/discussion point, as I have observed that I am not the only one to be experiancing/have experienced this. Why are some birth mothers (or fathers) so noncommittal to reunion relationships. Personally, I have been in reunion for 3 and a half years. Concluding the honeymoon phase,Ӕ she stopped calling, texting, emailing, or any other communication. Now, I call/ communicate with her and I have asked her numerous times if she wants out of our reunionӔ and she says no, that she will try harder to do right by me and call more often. She says that it is not true that she forgets me and that she does care. She has only come to visit once out of the times I asked her to come and for me to visit her. I guess it is just nice to receive a phone call every once and awhile but I know if I stop she will not contact me at all. I tried not calling her for a while, and cracked at a month and a half. It hurts when a birth parent blows you off. My amom always told me that if a person really loves you then they would make time for you. Is it really that hard to lend a hello, how are you doing? Or thinking of you message? (With the many forms of communication, we have.)
If birthparents are really so happy being in reunion with their child and want to have a relationship with them then why are they doing nothing to hold the relationship together?
Because it really does hurt when they forget about you and its annoying when one person in a relationship does all the work. I hope my rambling makes some sense.
~Staci
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Hi Shadow,When you talked about your bdad and if you ended the relationship, how it would “all be on you” it made me think about the fact that blaming you is a given.It will happen. It probably already has.What I mean by that, is for people who are not emotionally developed or do not know how to have healthy relationship, it will always be the other person’s fault. They have no ability for introspection, so of course, everything that goes wrong, is someone else’s fault. That is a given, with emotionally under developed or stunted people.So whether the relationship ends or you end it, you will be blamed. ( I am using the term “ you “ , but I don’t mean you, as in your situation. I am just referencing the adoptee’s side of things)This is something I prepare for in my own situation, and I know it will happen. And because I know why it will happen, I will not allow it to bother me.In my own reunion, I make sure that every move I make, is well thought out and done in compassion and love. I have done that so far. The fact that I continue to get hurt by the behavior of the other side, is where I start shutting down. I will protect myself and take care of me first. Also, I will always take the high road with my own behavior, as when it ends, I need to look myself in the mirror. I want to like what I see.Also, I really agree with you when you say the relationship will end itself. It will always end itself, when it is one sided. A real relationship needs two people, working together to allow it to develop. If it is one sided, it will end in time. I totally agree with you.
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Kim, you are exactly right about my BPs blaming me. They have gone to a lot of effort to relieve themselves of their responsibility in the failure of the relationship. Denial is a powerful pain killer. I knew that if I literally ended the relationship, I would always question myself. I would always blame myself. There would be no question in anyones mind as to who was responsible for the failure of the relationship. I can live with the fact that my BPs blame me. It p*sses me off, but I can live with it. . I can't live with the blame I would put on myself if I had ended the relationships. I had to be able to look myself in the mirror and knnow I had done the right thing for me. It was a very long, hard, and painful road. I am still glad I reunited. I'm glad I now know the missing pieces of my puzzle.
I've tried to always take the high road with my BPs, Sometimes, I've done a better job of that than others. Things with my BPs are not over, however, things are different now. Neither of them have reacted well to my setting of boundaries. Those boundaries are protecting me from getting hurt. They can't really hurt me anymoere. They may disappoint me, but not hurt me. At least not like they could before I came to terms with things. If the relationships end themselves because of my boundaries, so be it.
In my case, because of my relationships with other bio family, both sides, I'm always going to have to deal, to some extent, with my BPs. They are, officially, for good or bad, a part of my life, though not an active one, and my family. Sometimes, when you open that can of worms, you can't put the lid back on. And, yes, I still think it was all worth it. I would do it all again, but I would, most definitely, do a whole lot of things different. Hindsight is 20/20 you know. lol If nothing else, my Baunts chocolate surprise dessert, which I will be eating, uhm, a lot of, tomorrow, is worth it all by itself. Well, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but, man, is that dessert good.
Yea I been dealing with this for 2 years now..Here is my situation. I found my birthmother I wrote a letter to her we wrote back several times, I mainly wrote to get answers from her, but since she was or is an alcholic and drug addict I think her brain is pretty fried and All the questions I ask it seems like I never get the proper answer or even answer back, I just want to know who I am, if that means asking her 101 questions, I feel I have the right to know answers to some of my questions..Also she said that she would love to talk to me on phone or see me, I haven't promised her anything, but at this time in my life, I am too scared too..SO I don't know if that is causing the miscommunication,because she feels hurt by that..Also my aunts tell me very little, the ones that are normal, they just seem soo cold and aloof, it irrates me, I just want simple answers to my questions, all my relatiives know about me, and some even have my email, including my grandfather, and is it wrong for me to feel sad that he hasn't once emailed me, and asked how I am doing, Thats the other thing that has bothered me, none of my birthfamily seems to give a ratsa** about me, and my life, they never ask questions..To top all this off I have brother, we wrote letters, but hes the same, and also half sister I want to have weekly or monthly relationship with her, like asking her hows her week is going, simple questions about life and she never writes back, she is on my facebook and she blocked me from seeing her pictures, I don't know what I ever did to these people, but it seems like I am the plague or something. I feel really hurt by this all..I just don't know what to do anymore?? Its bad enough to have them give you away then you reunionize and them still want nothing to do with you.
so sorry for your situation but, in my opinion, a lot of the issues arise from miscommunication. Don't rely on e-mail/Facebook etc. It's a copout for them. If you can call or see them directly, DO IT. It is much harder to be honest face to face than "on-line". Unfortunately, if their position is the same, I am sorry, but at least you know, can accept it, and move on. Don't rely on the internet for answers. The truth is in the spoken word, not some cyberspeak (as much as I love this website).
take care
Kate
keds
Don't rely on the internet for answers. The truth is in the spoken word, not some cyberspeak (as much as I love this website).
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As I reread some of the recent posts on this thread, I began to think about the subject of denial. Many bparents are experts: they have never gotten past the stage of denial in the grief process. Or they're stuck in the "blame" phase: I was forced to place, I had no choice, my parents made me, the list goes on. If birthparents haven't done the grief work involved in placing a child, they are going to have a great deal of difficulty dealing with the reality of a relationship with the birth child as an adult. If I deny the pain and grief for 20 years, or if I wallow in it and never move beyond it, I will be unable to to respond to the needs of the other person in the relationship.It is possible that when the adoptee comes looking for answers, it forces the birth parent to return to a place in their lives that he/she still hasn't dealt with and rather than go there, he/she simply doesn't respond appropriately or at least helpfully.Please understand that I am speculating as I write; I of course am the perfect bmother (LOL!!!) Seriously, though, I did approach reunion with the goal of answering any questions D had or has. Even though I was pretty healthy in terms of my history of placement, I still found that reunion brought up lots of feelings and memories that I thought I had come to terms with long before. Reunion is such a difficult path to negotiate. I agree with those of you who talk about boundaries. We all need them, and it is helpful (IMO) when both bparent and bchild/adoptee are able to articulate their own boundaries. Remember too that as relationships develop boundaries may shift. I am truly enjoying my relationship with D and being accepted as part of his family. I can only hope for all of you that your relationships with your bfamilies would grow to be healthy and fulfill your expectations/desires.
Two quick thoughts as I read this…First, I am coming to realize that relying too much on the "electronic" means of communication is not healthy. You need a voice. A face. Personalize it. Make it real. Tell me in my eyes. While the keyboard and cell phone are convenient, they are very easy to hide behind, making it difficult to build a REAL relationship. Not a robot-tic one. Second, thank you Kathy for speaking so honestly from the birth mothers perspective. Just like the adult adoptee needs to process feelings of loss and grief and rejection, so does the birth mother. Without this work, a healthy relationship is impossible to achieve.K
I can really identify with the original poster here. After contacting my 1/2 siblings they were so happy, called me a lot then....bam...nothing, it is the worst feeling.
I've tortured myself with why, why don't they like me, did I say something wrong...after some emails asking one 1/2 sibling if everything was okay, that was it, just asked is everything okay as I've not heard back......no answer then 6 months later I get a card with "You don't know how much I think of you..." underlined with a very short note, it drove me mad, what the heck are you talking about!!!!
It is true my nmom...who I have no contact with....buries everything and does not communicate at all so the siblings seem this way too. Some of the answers on here have opened my eyes to it, it still hurts a lot of course but the siblings don't communicate properly with each other either so what can I expect.
The thing is though, it does not take even 5 mins to answer an email, don't care what's going on, if someone is asking are you ok, did you get my email, to ignore it for months is just plain wrong, that's what cuts me up.
I cannot continue to be the one doing all this and then feel like a fool when I get...what I felt was a pity card!...after 6 months, forget it.
I agree with one answer...sorry can't remember the name.....that if we just don't do the running and take it month by month it will get easier, thing is again, do I want to continue to be the one running after them and the answer is no, I'm just not up to it. I get so obsessed with them not answering it's crazy time.
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Kathy, great post, as always. winter - I'm on the other side - I stay in touch via e-mail more so now because of other issues and I am frustrated when I don't get a reply or am put off. In the last few months I have realized, just because my life is quiet and I have the time and/or need to respond quickly others may not be in the same place so I have to accept that it may take them time. 6 months though - that's a bit much, even for me. I think the last week has taught me that I expected too much of others, and myself, in reunion which was so wrong of me. Not everyone in my life is ready to shake off the past. All the best and remember, everyone eventually does get to the finish line, just some of us need a bit more time and may have to stop off for some first aid.
I have not posted anything in years. I really logged on tonight to post a note to my daughter. But then again, can I call her that? I gave up all rights to the title of mom.
I guess why I would like to respond is because of the above. Birthmoms, firstmoms, tummymoms, what ever is the chosen word, is not the word I feel as a mom. Just because you are in a reunion does not change the title of what we are.
background on my motherhood to my daughter I placed for adoption over 20 years ago. I have a semi open adoption. That does not mean much to a birth parent and on the other hand it can mean everything. I received pictures, when her parents felt like sharing. I could right, but what does the mother of child say the parents of her child? We all walk very fine lines in these relationship we choose to weave thru adoption. I have my daughters pic on my fridg. My child know of her and her of them. She sometime in her teens signed up with a registry looking for her birth family. Which part I do not know. I was 16 when I placed and would have kept although my mother was dieing and I was an only child without a father. I felt it best to find a wonderful family for her. And I did. I went through every file at the agency and I required a mtg with her family. This was unheard of in the mid 80's, but this was my child and I wanted what was best for her.
I now have three other children, unlike her mother who could have none. I tried making contact when she turned 18 and her mother called the agency distrot. I of course had been worried because she was looking for birth family and I could not make contact because she was under age also if I had made contact thru the agency, would I be betraying a trust. I was not sure if her mother knew she had signed up searching for her birth family. In the end, her mother had no idea.
I guess, what i am trying to say, as birth mother who are in or trying to be in a reunion, we walk a fine line. From the day of your birth, we have do what we can do to make sure you are safe. Not all but most. Do we call you ours, NO, you are not, do we want you to be, OF COURSE. Do we love, YES, do you love us, UNKNOWN. Will you ever trust enough to know that we love you? We did give you away right? Do we have the right to call you? Just to say hi? These are things I ask myself, I am sure others have as well. Do I have the right to worry about a child who is looking for her birth family? Is she searching for me? I am not her only birth family. Out of all these things I take to mind, my biggest worry is offending/interfering with the love she has for her family. I worry about her parents and how they feel.
We tread, as birth mothers, on very thin ice again as a parent it is my job to make sure that my children are safe, do not have worry, and are protected. If her mother feels like her motherhood is at stake. Is my daughter safe, does she have worry, is she protected. If when my daughter was young, she searched and now has changed her mind. Do I pursue? No this gives her no security in knowing that I love her. She would think I am a crazy freak.
On the other side, lets look at me. I love her, it hurts me I will never hear mom come out of her mouth. My 13 year asks me questions like why her and not me. It is painful to answer this question because I love them both the same. Not all bithermothers are as open as I have been with my family. Not all adoptive families are as open as hers. We know just enough and sometime I wish it were nothing at all. her parents are thankful, but do they love me with the earnest I love them. Do they know that I have entrusted my inheritance to their hands? If they did know, Threatened is not what they would feel.
Anyway, if your birth mother wants contact, as she says she does, you will need to assure her that you don't just want a reunion you want her in your life. It is not a passing phase, just because you are seeking out who you are. She gave you up once and my not be willing or able to bare the loss of you again. Sometimes it is better to have never known then to have known and lost. This women grew you in her tummy, felt your every move, she labored you and for what every her reason had to release you to someone else to be raised and loved. That Hurt. We are our brother keeper.
Peace
Mollie
Anyway, if your birth mother wants contact, as she says she does, you will need to assure her that you don't just want a reunion you want her in your life. It is not a passing phase, just because you are seeking out who you are. She gave you up once and my not be willing or able to bare the loss of you again. Sometimes it is better to have never known then to have known and lost. This women grew you in her tummy, felt your every move, she labored you and for what every her reason had to release you to someone else to be raised and loved. That Hurt. We are our brother keeper.
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So, I have not posted on this thread for awhile. I am glad it sparked some conversation. So even though my reunion ended last night with my mom telling me that she does not care about me and she has her own life. She was just trying reunion to make me happy. I will put my anger and bitterness off to say this to thesearcher:
My mom (bmom) has been and will always be my mom. I call her mom. I love her and in my life I have always had room for more than one. I actually like to accumulate mom's, I call a few people in my life mom. In addition to that I am her daughter. Now, in my case I don't know what happened, she went from being happy and honeymooney to get out! I have told her I want to be in her life and she closes off. I walked a fine line as well, trying to figure out what she wanted and not crossing her boundaries. I told her many times that I wanted her to call me, I loved talking to her. Nothing worked, so in my opinion the answer to your question is yes, you do call, you do stay in contact, but be honest with your intentions.
I fully understand the hurt, it resonates on either side of the "triad." I just wanted you to know that there is an adoptee out there that does think of her bmom as mom evern though my mom may feel differently. I love her very much and always will. I was blessed by the time I did have with her even though it was a struggle. My bfamily, is my family. I just have more mom's and a bigger family than the average person.
I hope some of this made sense. And I updated the thread all at once.
~God Bless
I am so sorry to hear what has happened with your mom. My heart is breaking for you.We all walk a fine line in the adoption process of reunion. I in no way want you to think I was negating what it is to be an adoptee. I was really only talking from the line I have walked and others I know. I think it was said, "she says she want contact" and this is what I was replying to. Take heart, sometimes we say things that we don't mean in order to protect ourselves. I once told the agency when my daughter was around 8 or 9 that I did not want to receive pictures of my Lauren for a while. I was now raising my daughter Ryan and it was very painful to see Lauren grow up. It took me a couple of years to request pic's again. Kathy, I understand that relationship are built. Again I was really only responding to "she says she wants contact" and what it might mean if she is not making the first move with the contact process. It was not meant to cover all stories and more of just a reply to this one topic of why she my not feel safe in making contact without knowing where the other stands. In the end, like I said in the beginning, I came on last night to post to my daughter and came across this tread. So I posted some of my thoughts about my story and is not meant to be a cure all to all stories. Also not meant to hurt anyone. My thoughts and prayers are to the poster (justme) again I am so sorry for the loss you my be feeling and like my thought before, it may be the a second loss for you.I leave you with a poem I wrote note to long ago.It’s a big world – vast – deep – wideFrom one side to another We areStanding – sitting – walking – runningStanding for somethingStanding for nothingSitting waitingSitting wonderingWalking in and out of each dayRunning faster with each day that passesRunning from somewhereRunning to nothing runningAll in the hopes of Finding – seeking – searching – escaping – wishing – dreamingOut these lofty ideals of this vast world of which it Hides- holds- tucks away for the searchers Finding – seeking – searching – escaping – wishing – dreamingDeep insideStanding hoping – sitting wishing – walking dreamingRunning – running – running We areMuch love and peace. Mollie