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The more i read into to this the more I can see myself. I was adopted at 3 months old. Lost my parents at 21 and 23 found my birthmother and she did not want to know. Thought nothing of it at all untill i started going out with my girlfriend. I am 38 now by the way. She must have some great love for me cause i am putting her through some bad times at the moment and have been for the last 6 to 7 months.
My problems are all over the show at the moment. I am not violent but seem to abuse her with words and mind games. I think it's all about control, jealousy and the fear of loosing her. I cannot bear the thought of her going out with friends so start a row with her about something so small then come out with about 10 small things then hit her last with the going out issue. This will then upset her and she says she wont go. (God what an awful person i sound dont like writing this) i then say to her she can go like i am letting her out or something i know i dont want her to but i know deep down i cant stop her. I will then sit up and make the worst possible senario about it so when she does come home and says i have met some one else it wont hurt me as bad. She has never done anything to me for me to disbelive her. Men are also a big issue, i get insanley jealous if she is just talking to another man and having a laugh with him, i think things like -why not laugh with me what am i not good enough for you, then make the worst out of that situation so i wont get hurt if she goes off with him( ha he could have 3 heads and be from Mars and i will still think that). It also makes me feel inadicute and lonely. I would say its almost child like behaviour, well sorry it is child like.
I also like to be a perfectionist at everything i do and will be very negative most of the time. I took my daughter swimming the other day and i have never had this before but i missed her company so much my heart started to pound and my chest tightened up. I only found out a few days ago my problems could be due to my adoption. The more i read and look into this subject the more i see me in a lot of the problems other people have. She says that when we are on our own i am so nice and loving but when that situation changes and i feel threatend in my mind its hell. I can see her point toatally and cant at the moment see any light at the end of the tunnel.
Off to see a councillor next week who deals in adoption issues and hope she can shed some light on my problem and hope it is in a funny way it is down to my adoption because then i can sort it out with out having to delve into another part of my life. I today felt scared though, how will I deal with her rejection if i am not in control and it just hits me smack in the face.
Any help on these issues would be greatly appriciated. It took me a lot to write this by the way but i know I have to meet this full on of i want to sort it out so all the barriers are down.
P.s My girl is brilliant and an idiot to put up with me. I love her so much
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bullit,
I certainly understand. I am, at 52 years old, still struggling with issues I have just started to understand. My husband of 34 years is one patient terrific man. As I have told him I needed to leave so he could live in peace without a neorotic, crazy, scared, insecure woman. He loves me and yet I still question it. He understands and began explaining this abandonment, distrust, and all the issues to me while we had marital issues in our 30's. I have known I was adopted since I was 9 yrs old, which I now know was too traumtic for me, and my adopted mother told me that my AUNT was my bio Mom when I was 31yrs old....that was another heart breaker. I believe as long as you keep recognizing these issues and dealing with them, they will get easier and you can make it all work and be happy with YOU! I still struggle, and have had a hard time the last month or so with jealousy with a female that works closely with my husband...I am SO afraid I am not good enough and he is going to "leave me"! He confirms daily that he is not going anywhere! I have to keep telling myself that and love him for being so understanding and loving me. You were put in this situation for some reason, love yourself and trust in the path you are being sent, it will be ok. Bless you, I know how hard it is, but if we allow the ones to love us to comfort us and we trust in the secuity they try to give, it will be ok. Be happy and love yourself, I am finally learning that....
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