Advertisements
Hello,
I would like to know if anyone can help me out here?
I have been with my amazing partner for a year. He is adopted. We have such a great realationship, always with each other and we have so many things planned for this year.
Totally out of the blue last week he said that he doesn't see 'us' working and its over, said he can't see us getting married, so its over. I asked him why he thinks this and he says I just don't see it.
I was completely shocked, so are all his family, especially his brother and friends and no one understands why.
We have been to 4 weddings in the past 2 months, hens and stag parties .. I was told that he may have freaked out a little and this could have something to do with his adoption and a "fear of abandonment".
Can anyone give me any suggestions on if this could be what it is? and if I should approach him about this?
I don't want to walk away from him if this could be it and if I can help him through this?
Thanks
Like
Share
It could be adoption related especially if he experienced neglect and abuse in his childhood. The waiting for the other shoe to drop can really take it's toll on a person. He may just not see himself as being able to keep it up (being such a good partner). The pressure to be perfect to avoid rejection can be really powerful. Give him a chance to "scare you off". Let him tell you the worst....and you make sure he sees that YOU SAW IT ALL ALONG and it didn't matter.I wasn't in love with my DH the way I thought I should be when we got married, but that was because of my own emotional issues, and luckily I could see that, married him anyway and after a few years I was able to open up enough to fall head over heels in love with him. It's about vulnerability. He may be unable or unwilling to open himself up that way. Perhaps he's scared he'll NEVER be able to.I say go speak with him.
Advertisements
Hi there. I'm an adult adoptee who has been in a WONDERFUL (best in my life) three year relationship that I've finally ruined. I won't get into that but I think your partner may be looking for you to "prove" that you aren't going to let him get away. By letting him "run", he's thinking "I knew she was going to leave ...". By going and "getting" him, you may provide his need for you to prove that you're not going to abandon him (despite his behavior). Hope that helps!
Speaking as a male adoptee, I can say the issue for me was always trust; essentially I have never felt I could truly trust someone, that somehow when they REALLY got to know me they would be repelled by something. So it was always safer to not fully commit.
It's a form of fear, I think. We fear that we will be hurt again. If we accept love, we feel we have to continually earn it or it will go away. When my wife of 35 years says she loves me unconditionally, I can't quite believe it, as much as I try and want to. The concept just makes no sense to me. It is safer to hide our REAL feelings. This may be connected to the fact that infants have emotions and emotional memories, but not conscious language or verbal memories. We remember emotional trauma but don't understand it; we felt emotional bonding but then the separation hurt so much that whenever we feel the emotion of bonding it scares us?
Everything is conditional to me, at a fundamental level. I am a skeptic about most things; religion, politics, relationships.
If you are serious about continuing the relationship, I would suggest getting referrals to a good therapist familiar with adoption issues and marital counseling. It has helped me.
My sister, who is also adopted, seems to have difficulty commiting in a relationship. It seems like every time she starts to get serious, she goes out of her way to find fault with the guy and ends the relationship. I definitely think it stems from the adoption issues. I think your guy has had a lot to think about, with 4 weddings in the past 2 months. Keep the lines of communication open. What you do is more important than what you say, because for the adoptee with abandonment issues, words or ideas he has heard (i.e. "love", "best interests") do not match the actions he has experienced (i. e. abandonment, withdrawal).
Advertisements