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Hello All.
I will make my story clear cut. I went through my pregnancy planning adoption. I met with several couples and chose one back in January of 2009. A week before baby was born, adoptive parents backed out.....I was stunned and confused and super scared. Anyways, there is SOOOO much to my story but just gonna give facts. During that week before birth I started wondering if it was meant for me to keep him. I was induced 2 weeks before due date due to pre-ecclampsia just making the whole thing more stressful. When I had him, I was totally confused but decided to bring him home on advice of family. Now he is 9 days old and my situation is sorta desperate. I am back at home at parents, had to quit my job.....am having to back out of a new lease at a new apartment I just signed with.....and am scared witless because my parents live 2 hours away from a city-----town size 3500....there are no job possibilities......everything is a mess and now I am thinking IHAVE TO ADOPT him out.....sadly I have already bonded with the little monkey and am suffering extreme guilt over wanting to place him. I cannot take care of him right now....and to not get into everything, I will not be able to really take care of him for a long time and its simply OVERWHELMING. I spent 9 months detached to bring this little baby home, now I am sorta attached but scared of placing him and scared of keepinghim.....
Any advice?? Also, is the legalalities any different once you have already given birth THEN u place for adoption?????I mean, isn't it unusual to place baby after you have taken him home from hopsital>>>?????
Any thoughts DESPERATELY needed and fast.....gotta make my mind up.
Thanks,
Kalee:eyebrows:
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rd200
Kaylee, I am not a birthmother but hopefully can answer some of your questions. [QUOTE]And i believe that although some adoptions dont go according to plan, most aparents aren't going to drop you like a bad habit and definetly are not pediphiles, as suggested.
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Hey everyone. Thank you for all the replies. Some good advice I see. I think overall the reason it appears that I wanna make a decision fast is because the longer I keep him, the harder it would be to relinquish him. I guess my life is totally upside down right now and I am asking myself if Ihave what it takes to raise him alone. I know I do but it seems totally overwhelming to me. I have the support of my family to go either way. Some are encouraging me to adopt, some are not. As it sets, the only ppl Ihave are my mom and dad.....rest of siblings are states away. Mom works full time still and dad is older and ill and cannot help alot. I went from working and taking care of myself-----being on my own for years to all of a sudden a screeching halt. I am landlocked out in this little town and I think that alone scares me because I can't imagine living here nor could I imagine raising a child here.....its far too rural. I am 27 and want to get myself back in school. Unfortunately, I have some debts that I can't ignore so working is a MUST. My employer who seemed willing to work with me all of the sudden started badgering me to get back to work after only missing 4 days! I asked her to be patient giving situation but she wasn't.....I ended up quitting. As of today Ihave been unemployed for 2 weeks. What I didnt explain to you all is that through the adoption, the parents were gonna assist me in some of my bills. This has not happened and now my current landlord is owed quite a chunk of change. Iknow that it all seems temporary but Ihave had some difficulty in establishing stability and during pregnancy I finally starting gaining some ground and now I am losing it all again. I know it sounds silly but u have to understand that my independence is so important and now I will HAVE to be dependent on others and I don't like that.
Overall, my emotions are all over. One minute crying, next minute very clear on what to do. I love Jonah but when I look at him I feel like I just dont have it in me to parent at this time. It's just so messed up. I am so irritable due to this weird schedule of being up all day and night--to make matters a tad worse, my mother is super critical of every move I make...........that alone drives me insane. I try and be respectful since she did raise 5 kids but she is very overbearing and at times a little cruel.....this I cannot deal with if I keep him and stay here. She is the type that if you do not do things HER WAY.....you are WRONG. And we have been in constant arguments since Ihave been home because she wont lighten up a little.
Anyways, I am open to all views and experiences. I just want to make a decision and get on with things. It;s simply taxing and I can;t continue to sit and wonder. I am gonna make some calls to an adoption agency today. I am not saying I am doing it for sure but I would like to start looking at couples. I feel if I am doing that atleast I am doing something while I figure out what I am gonna do in the longrun.
PS: Is it normal to be irritable and at times frustrated with baby when he is only 10 days old due to the fussing and stuff??
Kalee
Kayley: I am an adoptive mother, so I cannot address any of your concerns about adoption. The birthmothers have spoken about that.However, I am also a single mother, so I do understand that money IS important, a job IS important, education IS important, and not having those can make it hard/impossible to be a parent. When I adopted I had completed graduate school, totally paid for a house and car and had a job with a contract and really good insurance. I thought I was ready. The child I adopted had severe health problems (unknown at the time of adoption) and within two years I had used up all my job leave and a good portion of savings on hospitalizations and non-covered medical bills. That's life. It is unpredictable. And if I had known what would happen, I still would have adopted her! She was meant to be mine!It is very normal to be tired, confused and irritated with the baby after only 10 days. Unless he is miraculously sleeping thru the night, you are sleep-deprived and hormonal. Can you make an appointment with your ob-gyn and talk about yourself? Whatever you decide, you need to be thinking clearly when you make the decision.
Hi Kalee,
I am very sorry to hear of your experience.
Is the birth father supportive? If so, ask him to marry you.
My suggestion to you would be to go away for a while to live with a relative for at least a few weeks where you can calmly think things through.
Don't decide under pressure.
Since you have named the child, in my heart, I feel you will keep Jonah.
-
Anil
Kalee27
Hey everyone. Thank you for all the replies. Some good advice I see. I think overall the reason it appears that I wanna make a decision fast is because the longer I keep him, the harder it would be to relinquish him. I guess my life is totally upside down right now and I am asking myself if Ihave what it takes to raise him alone. I know I do but it seems totally overwhelming to me. I have the support of my family to go either way. Some are encouraging me to adopt, some are not. As it sets, the only ppl Ihave are my mom and dad.....rest of siblings are states away. Mom works full time still and dad is older and ill and cannot help alot. I went from working and taking care of myself-----being on my own for years to all of a sudden a screeching halt. I am landlocked out in this little town and I think that alone scares me because I can't imagine living here nor could I imagine raising a child here.....its far too rural. I am 27 and want to get myself back in school. Unfortunately, I have some debts that I can't ignore so working is a MUST. My employer who seemed willing to work with me all of the sudden started badgering me to get back to work after only missing 4 days! I asked her to be patient giving situation but she wasn't.....I ended up quitting. As of today Ihave been unemployed for 2 weeks. What I didnt explain to you all is that through the adoption, the parents were gonna assist me in some of my bills. This has not happened and now my current landlord is owed quite a chunk of change. Iknow that it all seems temporary but Ihave had some difficulty in establishing stability and during pregnancy I finally starting gaining some ground and now I am losing it all again. I know it sounds silly but u have to understand that my independence is so important and now I will HAVE to be dependent on others and I don't like that.
Overall, my emotions are all over. One minute crying, next minute very clear on what to do. I love Jonah but when I look at him I feel like I just dont have it in me to parent at this time. It's just so messed up. I am so irritable due to this weird schedule of being up all day and night--to make matters a tad worse, my mother is super critical of every move I make...........that alone drives me insane. I try and be respectful since she did raise 5 kids but she is very overbearing and at times a little cruel.....this I cannot deal with if I keep him and stay here. She is the type that if you do not do things HER WAY.....you are WRONG. And we have been in constant arguments since Ihave been home because she wont lighten up a little.
Anyways, I am open to all views and experiences. I just want to make a decision and get on with things. It;s simply taxing and I can;t continue to sit and wonder. I am gonna make some calls to an adoption agency today. I am not saying I am doing it for sure but I would like to start looking at couples. I feel if I am doing that atleast I am doing something while I figure out what I am gonna do in the longrun.
PS: Is it normal to be irritable and at times frustrated with baby when he is only 10 days old due to the fussing and stuff??
Kalee
cetalley
[QUOTE=rd200]Kaylee, I am not a birthmother but hopefully can answer some of your questions.
Kaylee, I can see where once again, you are getting some great advice. Not a surprise, we have some great gals, here on the forum. Raven is 100% dead on, a great piece of advice is Brenda, I have heard and read so many great things of all the support and help , she has offered many. Now , I will, again have to clarify, one simple thing...but has huge impact on OUR children. In my post reply, I made comments, of MY own opinion, that the 'new parents', may look good on paper, but they also have the same ISSUES THE REST OF THE POPULATION face! RD2OO, stated I suggested, that I inferred they were pediphiles. As a person whom has adopted, or is in the process of doing so...(not a firstmom), her own words....said I suggested this. If she were to go back and read, my statement clearly states, that these issues, ALL, I mentioned, are indeed a fact of life, sadly pediphiles do exist in our world. I would pray to GOD that it is rare and few and far in between. However, sexual abusers/pediphiles do exist, and unfortunately they are our neighbors, our friends, the ceo's of companys, politicians, and even soccer coaches...lastly some are even our clergys/priests. People wishing to adopt are not exempt from this, and when it comes to "our" innocent children, it is definately something one has to weigh! I meant no disrespect to ANY person whom has love and GOD in their heart, so RD200, is trying to defend this very real fact...prospective parents can and do look good on paper, behind closed doors, is a roll of the dice...one I personally believe is of utmost consideration, when relinquishing a child. Abuse of any aspect is very very REAL! Now my having to clarify is done, and I will end this explanation. My meaning behind my post reply...is I AM A FIRSTMOM, and I stand by REALITY, no one person KNOWS for sure, when we place our babies, with what is indeed virtually strangers. Now, back to your post, please take these fine ladies advice...no time limit is placed on your decision, enjoy "lil monkey' today , tomorrow, and when you decide...YOU will know. Blessings...C.J.:flower:
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Kaylee,
First Congradulations on your baby boy! Now as an adoptee and a mother I will say YES it is very common to be irritable and all over the place right after having a baby. Your hormones are going nuts, add to it a controling Mom and sleepless nights and I can see how you feel like your going out of your mind. I was there when I had my son. I was snapping at my husband and MIL who was only meaning to be helpful.
While I believe adoption is a wonderful thing and I am very happy that my parenst adopted me, the first choice should always be to keep baby. Whatever you are going through now is temporary. Adoption is a PERMANANT solution to a Temporary sition. I am not going to lie, being a single parent and starting off where you are at will be hard, but definately doable.
As a PP said there is medicaid, food stamps and financial assitance out there that you can utilize untill you get on your feet.
As far as adoption plans go, there is no expiration date. You can place a baby at any age. I am glad that you brough Jonah home with you. Try and enjoy your time with him.
TAs far as thinking you cannot give him things, all babies require is love and basic needs. All those other "things" do not make for a better parent and all your baby knows is your love.
Your situation can change but your you will always be a mother whatever you decide.
I will keep you in my prayers that God be with you in your decision.
EZ
We are not going to have an argument on a thread meant for support. The OP does NOT need it and if there are further issues, members will be banned from this forum in it's entirety.
There are plenty of ways to support a person, show options and give advice without tearing others down and pushing others into your personal views. Take a look at Janey's, Raven's, Ezz's post to see how it's possible.
Wow, I appreciate all of your replies! Feels alot better knowing so many people took the time to even read my post and then respond! Well what a weekend of craziness. I called an adoption agency Friday evening and was to meet with woman Saturday and she was gonna take baby Jonah to foster care while I reviewed couples. I felt relatively solid about it after thinking it through but alas, here it is Sunday night and guess who is lying over there on his tummy getting ready for a feeding?? Jonah. LOL. I decided to keep him longer. My sister in Alaska who is well established, offered me to come out and stay with her to get a clear bearing on what I should do. Part of me is a little anxious, I mean I had a MADE a decision and now feel I am putting it off. Part of me is relieved--part of me not. It's alot of torture going on here. Mom and Dad both say I am not ready to parent. Mom still feels this way. Dad on other hand says give this a go....he says even if your decision is the same, you can know you made a clearminded decision by getting away from all the noise here. And trust me there is alot of noise. My parents have a bad relationship so to speak, lots of fighting and constant arguing and it just adds to the turmoil surrounding my life right now and baby's life. Mom is very critical. I know she loves me but she is mean at times. One night when i overslept a half hour past feeding, she came in yelling at me saying how selfish I am and how clear it was that i certainly wasn't ready to parent. Though she was one of the main ppl who encouraged me to bring him home from hospital. She fears that since I used to party somewhat that I may want to continue doing that which is so untrue if I keep him. She holds past mistakes against me and continuously brings this stuff up. Enough is enough! I know that I cannot live here with them let alone raise child here. ANYWAYS, what do you guys think? To be honest, everyone telling me that I am not ready has somewhat cemented that fear I already have. Is going to visit sis in Alaska just putting off the inevitable or could I really change my mind to keep him? Still confused and scared. And to answer someones earlier post: The birthfather is out of the picture. I broke up with him the moment I found out I was preggers. He was abusive and crazy. It took me getting pregnant to truly think of mine and baby's safety and I finally got rid of him after 2 years of tumultous on and off again relationship. He still facebooks me and tries to get ahold of me.....he is not stable but needless to say.........marriage not an option:eyebrows: Talk soon,Kalee
Hi, Kalee...
My gut reaction is that if I were in your shoes, I would take your sister up on her offer. I think that if you do decide to place Jonah for adoption, you'll need to be 100-percent positive that that's what you truly want to do.
I think the fact that you didn't put Jonah in the foster home this weekend says something about where your heart is leading you. Have you received any unbiased counseling from a therapist about this? (And I don't mean an adoption agency counselor -- I mean a therapist or counselor who has nothing to gain or lose from your eventual decision.)
I know what it's like to have a super critical mother. My mom is like that, too. Nothing I've ever done in life has been good enough...and I'm 54 years old, lol. Personally, I think that at 27 years of age, you're plenty old enough to learn the ropes of motherhood. First-time parents are always a bit stressed out, always worried that they're not doing the right thing the right way.
I think it's very cool that your sister has invited you and Jonah to come live with her for a while. God does work in mysterious ways, I've discovered. He may be sending you a rescue line. Listen to your heart, and follow where it's leading you.
I know that others may disagree with me, but that is what I would do if I were in your shoes... :loveyou:
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Hey Kalee! :-)
I'd like to echo what Rave said.
It also sounds to me (my opinion only) as if deep-down in your heart you are not at all ready to relinquish and there is no going back if you do.
Alaska sounds like a good thing - IMO. It sounds from what you've said that you'd have good, solid support there; not just financial but emotional too.
Plus, it would get you away from your mother. Not judging your mom at all here, but is being with her perhaps making this decision harder and more confusing? Sometimes we want to please others and it then it only ends up causing us more hardship.
So....sorry didn't meant to write a book there! LOL!! Again, I echo Raven. Though of course you must make your own decision, I would think very seriously about Alaska if it were me.
Keep posting okay?
Hugs to ya!
Kaylee, You are such an amazing young Mother, and you are handling this with only Jonahs' best interest at heart. it sounds like your sis, is a great sis, and maybe understands what your Mom and Dad, can be like at times;) My opinion is as the others, Alaska would offer an exscape from dealing with the current living arrangement, and also give you some much needed breathing room. Hormones are hell, add 2 bickering adults to the equation, and its a wonder you haven't lost it yet! Sweetheart, there really and truly is no time frame to relinquish, by getting away, it will allow you to clear your thoughts, and spend quality time with lil monkey. If you still decide there are parents whom can give him more than you can offer....you have gained way more than most of us would have ever dreamed of...loving , quality time, with our child. IMHO, go, allow yourself this get away, and it will benefit , the side effects of hormone-hell. I am so happy you came to update us, and do not worry about your MOM'S critical remarks. Judging you on your past behavior pre-pregnant, is definately not conducive to future behavior. Go, keep us update on Jonah, enjoy, relax, and spend no time worrying about all the other "junk' that is bothering you. Kiss Jonah, he is lucky to have you.....:cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :cheer: :grouphug: ...C.J.
Hi Kalee,
I apologize I have not read all the replies to your post, so I may be repeating what someone else has said. I had a baby a 15. I desperately wanted to keep my son, and my mother was more than happy to help make that happen. After 11 months, it was clear that my mother was not able to help (alcholic), and no other 'stable' adult in my life was willing to help. My parents were going through a divorce, my boyfriend's parents weren't healthy, and my boyfriend and I were flat out too young to do it alone!
I decided to entrust my son to adoption after 11 months with him. It was awful relinquishing him after almost a year. However, I believe it is awful at any time, no matter how long or short of a time you've bonded. That being said, I would not trade the time spent with him, the bonding, the memories, pictures I have for anything. All the time I spent with him was worth any amount of heartbreak because I have memories of my son that can never be taken away.
I recently read in The Primal Wound that my decision to keep him with me for those 11 months may have been helpful to his development. You see I have always felt so guilty about keeping him then deciding on adoption. How could a mother have her baby for almost a year and then let him go??? That book explained to me that by keeping him with me for that period of time allowed his emotional development to take place in a healthy way. It gave him time to adjust to the "outside world" with the only thing he knew to keep him secure...me! He was spared the separation right at birth.
My son's adoptive mother sent me pictures and letters for a few years after the adoption. That was great and so reassuring to see him healthy, happy, and thriving. That kind of communication is always an option, and one I, as a birthmother, would highly recommend.
It is 19 years later now, and we have been reunited for a year and a half. It has been wonderful, but I always wonder what else I could have done to keep him. Did I do everything. Again, I wanted to parent him, so I don't know if we differ there. If you want to parent him and just don't have the resources to make it happen, I would find a way...any way. Youth is temporary and is not a reason to separate you and your baby. If there is one ounce of you that is unsure, keep him with you. Don't let anyone else make this decision for you or pressure you either way.
I strongly recommend you read The Primal Wound. It's very enlightening.
And, YES, it is SOOOO normal to be frustrated when you're sleep deprived, and you have a fussy newborn. That happens to the most "normal" of parents...married, stable, etc. Don't beat yourself up for that. Sleep when your baby does and soak in every moment you spend together! Sorry for any typos, etc!
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BRAVO....HHDAVIS29...you were and are so so blessed. Kaylee will be fine too, she is so smart, and getting away will give her new strength, and some calm...maybe even some sleep;) You are so blessed to have had time with your son, and so lucky to have reunited. I am beyond happy for you. Memories, sometimes, is all any of us have;(
Cetalley, i am so, so blessed, AND it was my memories that sustained me for so long. Actually, they continue to. Having a relationship with my son is great, but I still miss that little baby (and everything in between) every single day! Some wounds never heal no matter how much time goes by or how the circumstances change. No doubt, I'm loving our reunion. It just doesn't make everything else "all better".