Meeting Adoptive Parants after 37 years !

Hey Michellesmom, :flower: Congrats to your DD on attaining her Masters Degree!! That is wonderful!!! You must be so proud!! :flower: As far as meeting her parents, my only advice (sent with respect) would be to avoid saying this: I understand completely your feelings and why you would like to express this sentiment, but I would advise that you not do so. From what I've read this past year in adoptive parents' posts, this is NOT something you want to say. IMO- This is one of those well-meant statements that can be misconstrued as a backhanded insult. Please understand.....I know you don't mean it that way!! I promise I know that! But it's sort of along the lines of the old "I have so much respect for you for giving your child up instead of aborting it" coin. A person may mean it as a compliment but it doesn't come off that way. If it were me, I would stick with things like, "It's so very nice to finally meet you" and "You have a lovely family"....that kind of thing. Even given that they're your DD's parents? I would still approach it thinking of them as non-related strangers to you, which really they are. (Again - not meant harshly) In my gut I feel that if you take that tack the first time meeting them, it might work better. Others of course may have better advice. I haven't been in this position and can only go on what I've read.

I thought the same thing when you said you wanted to thank her. We have an open adoption with our younger kids' bmom and her parents. We meet twice a year and every time they thank us for raising the kids so well. I know they MEAN it as a compliment and I try to take it as one, but inside I'm cringing. This will most likely be a very emotional day for your dd's parents AND your dd! Good luck with your meeting.

I am going to chime in as an adoptee.I agree 100% with Janey. Do not say "thank you"I know my amom would flip if she was "thanked" for raising me. I am her daughter. Loving me, caring for me and raising me was what she did, because she is my mother. You never see anyone "thanking" anyone for raising their own child.Please dont misunderstand. I totally understand where you are coming from. I just know the "thanking" will rub the amom the wrong way, eventhough you are totally genuine in your intent.All the bestKim

I agree with the other posters and I am an adoptee... What do you guys think of saying something like... I am so thankful that (daughters name) was adopted into a family that loves her just because of her, it is what I hoped for... or something along those lines to clearly show that you recognise that her adoptive family is her family, and you are not trying to dismiss them because you are now reunited? Kind regards,Dickons

You can say "you have raised such a wonderful daughter" without adding the "thank you" part, although FWIW, I have expressed thanks to my son's parents, not so much for raising him, but for providing him with what I couldn't and for the things they instilled in him, such as his sense of values, etc. (I've not been told this was something that bothered them and would expect them to be direct with me if it did). They made promises to me when they adopted him that they went above and beyond with, and heck yes, I acknowledged and recognized that. But we also have a very comfortable relationship, even though we have not yet met face-to-face. Given, however, that your daughter's parents are not thrilled, as you say, about her extended family, and it is not only the graduation, but mother's day, and it will be a face-to-face meeting, I would err on the side of caution and keep things light and simple (as much as you can for such an emotionally-charged situation!). "I'm so happy to meet you, you must be so proud of your daughter!" might be more the way to go.

I remember my MIL telling me how moved she was that my SIL's mom thanked her for raising such a wonderful woman. So it may depend on the situation....I think though it's probably just as "nice" to simply say, "you raised a wonderful woman" or something like that. I know that my MIL said it was wonderful to meet SIL's birth mom (sadly, she died shortly thereafter) and she said it helped her understand SIL so much better. I "suspect" though she was anxious about the meeting before it happened. I hope that the meeting goes very well and congrats to your daughter!

Dickons Just wanted to say I think that's an excellent suggestion! :-)

I am an amom in an open adoption. My son's birthgrandparents thanked me for "loving their grandson" in a card once. I wasn't offended at all, although of course as a mom I love my son with all my heart and should be expected to do so. What mattered to me was their sentiment. Hopefully, your daughters' parents will not get too caught up in the "right words" but instead be able to open their hearts to you and listen to the intent of what you have to say. I know the others have given you good advice and I am not discounting it at all...I hope her parents will see that having you there is a broadening of love not a door being closed on them. I can't imagine what it is like to be in your shoes, but if they are unable to warm to you, remember that your daughter is an adult and wants you in her life and that her parents are responsible for their own emotions...not you. Good luck!

Thanks for all the good suggestions. Saying you raised a beautiful daughter will be better than a thank you. I just hope I find the right words,and don't say anything to upset them. My daughter has so much love for everyone,and wants so bad to have "one big happy family". I just want to do the right thing, and I feel privileged to be a small part of her life. I will try and not say thank you to Bmom ,but thanks to all of you for your suggestions !