question for adoptees

Hi Green,I will chime in as an adoptee and offer this explanation.A realization of the power the bmom has over an adoptee to inflict pain, hurt, heartbreak. This isn’t your run of the mill "pain". This is primal stuff.For the adoptee, the bmom has the ability to inflict serious pain. She is the deepest connection and that realization is terrifying for the adoptee. The other members of the bfamily are relatively "safe" in comparison to the mom.So, my guess is, the adoptee is being cautious, as he/she has realized the power the bmom has over them, and since there is no trust, you really go out on a limb when you open yourself up to bmom.Just my 2 centsKim

thanks for the reply.

bump - anyone else out there that can offer an explanation.

As an adoptee I do not feel this way but my guess would be that it was the bmother that chose to give you up, leave you etc whereas other members of your bfamily did not. Thus you have not been rejected by your bfamily but only by bmom. There is a fear of being rejected AGAIN. I think adoptees can have this fear of rejection even knowing and believing their bmom may have had no choice and was doing what was best for the adoptee with all the love in her heart.

I just was curious about the unidentified information I received about my last name, I was told that my last name was Andrews before adoption. Have anyone ever gotten the wrong information about their last name? Thanks

I'm sorry, I cannot quite relate to why but, if I had to pick a reason that rings logical to me, I would say that perhaps it might be easier to some to first get to know the mother second-hand, from people who've known her awhile. Maybe there is less danger of getting hurt going that route. Also, the anger and blame is more likely directed at the mother, rather than at the rest of the family. An adoptee may really want to know about their heritage and background but not yet be ready to deal with all the feelings having a relationship would bring.

I'm not an adoptee, but rather a birthmom, and my guess is it would feel "safer" for an adoptee to get to know extended birthfamily members as they would not feel so vulnerable in that situation--the risk and fears are just not the same as entering into a relationship with the birthmom. Maybe in time, as the adoptee felt secure in the relationships with extended birthfamily members, he or she would have a greater comfort level in accepting an offer of frienship from the birthmom. As a birthmom, I imagine it would be difficult to be left out of this, but I would recommend giving it time.

I'm open to contact, but not sure how I would feel about a long term relationship with my birthparents...