Jills story

Hi my name is Jill and this is my story.. I hope that it is understandable; I was adopted as an infant. I spent the first three months of my life in foster care which was the norm in 1966. I was raised in Maryland. My AMom and ADad ended up getting divorced. My AMom remarried. I spent the summers with my aDad and his new wife. At 13 I was at home with my aMom and Step Dad and was digging in my parents closet and found a book Tilted "You and Your Adopted daughter". I was stunned..My whole life and identity was a lie..My AMom had to tell my friends that I was telling them the truth they didn't believe me when I told them I was adopted. I had asked my aMom as a child if I was adopted because even back then I realized I didn't really look like the other family members. I pulled my affection away from my family and became a huge people pleas-er. I tried to be how, and what they wanted me to be...after all they didn't have to keep me right? I was afraid and always walking on egg shell's...I was lost and had no Idea how to find myself or define myself. I once went to a meeting for Birth Mothers who were searching for their children..It was amazing to hear them talk about their pain. My aMom and I had a fight before I left for the meeting. She threw out the directions on how to get to the meeting. She even ended up slapping me...I was so angry...I believed she threw it out on purpose. Now as a adult I realize she probably did it unconsciously. My aMom also paid the adoption agency to send us the non-identifying info they had on my bMom and her family. It was three pages long and it didn't mean that much to me really. The information really had an effect on my aMom, she cried. Then my aDad ended up falling a part and I was scared of him and the people he was hanging around with. When I got back home from spending the summer with him. I told my aMom about my experience and asked if my Step Father could adopted me. We went to court and my aDad never showed up..I some how hoped he would. It would have proved to me he loved me and that I was important to him. He never showed up and my Step Dad adopted me. At that point me and my Step Dad really didn't have any kind of relationship to speak off...My aDad was my favorite person in the world. I hated myself for abandoning him..Like my bMom had done to me. I was 15 at the time. I didn't talk about my adoption for years after all this stuff went on. I got married and starting having children of my own..and started wondering about my heritage. I finally got my aMom blessing to search and she wanted to be a part of it..in fact she was very supportive even though I know it scared her that she was going to loose me. Sometime went by and I chickened out and told myself I have my own life I didn't need to do this. Then of course it came back up in my mind and I approached my aMom again and she agreed all over again that it was a good idea. Then I started gathering info on how to search. My aMom ended up having lung cancer and I stop the searching and never mentioned it again..it wasn't important at the time..She was and what little time I had left with her. My aMom died 8 years ago and I miss her so deeply she was what grounded me in this world. Me and my 2aDad were at her side when she passed away. My 2aDad remarried and his new wife had her own family and he had 5 biological kids of his own. I wasn't sure the relationship would continue..I've never felt more afraid and alone at this time in my life. My 2aDad and I ended up having a wonderful loving relationship to this very day! I was blessed. I figured that since he moved on I could too. I was in church watching a video with a friend...and started crying. It was about this women who felt like she was imprisoned and nothing could get in and nothing could get out..emotion wise. My friend felt the pain of her abortions and I felt the pain of my adoption. We became the very best of friends and we help heal and encourage each other. I help her with guilt and forgiveness and she help me see that a mother never stops caring or missing her child. She encouraged me to search...so I did...I had to register with IRSS first, and when nothing came of that my adoption agency was will to search for me for a donation. I had to fill out a questionnaire explaining my reasons and motive...I had to pass a test to prove I was of sound mind...unbelievable! I passed and they searched. I got a call one day from my searcher and she told me that my bDad had died and that she could not legally contact his family and let them know about me. Then she told me that my bMom had a unusual name so the search was going to take time...Kind of scary. Then almost 10 months later I got another call for my searcher and she had found my bMom...(Kerri) My bMom excepted the letter I wrote using the adoption agency's guidelines. It was a simple one page letter that did not contain a lot of revealing information. Then my bMom wrote a letter to the searcher. Then the searcher called me again and ask if she could read the letter to me and then she would send me the letter. The letter was 7 pages long and she sent a ton of pictures! Then I gave permission for her bMom to have my phone number and she called me..talk about a moment of insanity...wow. My husband gave me the phone and to my amazement it was so easy to talk to her...Not even a month later she paid for me, my husband, and three children to fly out and meet her.. We are so a like and I finally have some of the answers I needed so badly. We have a close relationship and through her I meet the rest of her family and my bDads family too. I just started counseling to work on all my adoption issues..beliefs about myself and the fear of trusting and abandonment. I want to be whole and complete inside out! I have also had some contact with my aMoms first husband..the original aDad. The relationship is estranged but there is forgiveness and an understanding between us. I have been on a roller coaster ride for along time and I'm ready to get off! Blessings!