Do I owe it to my sister to protect her from bio fam?

Amanda, Per my understanding you and your not yet met sister share the same mother. E is your sibling through your father so why are you worrying about unmet meeting E? Please unconfuse me... As to the rest of your concerns...a) you will give her factual info which you did not know prior to reunion, b) you will be there to support her (which you did not have), c) it is her decision and her story to unravel just like it was your decision, it is her decision or not. Just be willing to be supportive... Kind regards,Dickons

Amanda, since I'm a birthmom, my opinion may not be worth much, but personally I don't think you have the moral right to withhold contact information from your sister. She's 25 years old, and while that is considered "young" in today's society, she is an adult who has the right to make her own decisions and come to her own conclusions. If I were in your shoes, I would tell her my own experience with the birth family, but I would not withhold contact information from her if that is what she wants. Have you considered how you would have felt if the roles were reversed and an older sibling denied you access to what you were seeking? Being the eldest, I've often felt the need to protect my younger siblings...but that can go too far. I had to realize when they all reached adulthood that I cannot control their lives in any way...that they all have the right to make their own decisions, their own mistakes, and their own failures.

E and I share both a mother and a father, while Jennifer shares only our mother. E is Jennifer's half sibling just as I am Jennifer's half sibling. SO, it's possible that she may be interested in her as E is just as related to Jennifer as I am.

Raven-Your opinion is ALWAYS worth a lot!! I suspected as much. :o I'm actually younger than Jennifer is (am I aging my self?)by a year or so. I've just been in contact with the bfamily for a longggg time, whereas she has not. I would never withhold the information, because you're right, I would be angry if another sibling of mine denied me my right to contact other members of the biofam. I wouldn't have liked that at ALL. I'll give her all the information she asks for. I am not comfortable offering it, when I know that it's not a good idea. If she is satisfied, at least for a while, conversing with me, then good. If she wants to know more, I'll tell her. Should I share my experiences with her, and dare I say, warn her? *particularly about E* Perhaps I should share my experience with Jennifer. I'm not sure if it's fair that I say ' here's the #'s- go call them!" when I suspect that the result will be highly unpleasant.Because I am not a member of the biofamily legally, nor do I have a whole lot of contact with them at this time, I was struggling with where my responsibilities lay. I don't want to get the crazy involved again. I don;t want to DEAL with E or her craziness ever again, and I don't want to share this new sister with her. She cannot even handle a relationship with ME (I am so benign it's not even funny! I'm everyone's teddy bear!) Why should I provide E with the opportunity to abuse another sibling?I sought Jennifer out because I longed for a relationship with at least SOMEONE in my biofam.She was adopted out of the family at birth, so she is someone who shares my DNA without sharing the dysfunction that comes along with this family. I don't want to be the one to introduce her to these people, but I know that it would be terrible of me not to give her the information she wants.I'll definitely give it to her, but do I include a quick sidestory, so she knows why I am no longer in contact, and what happened with me? or I keep my mouth shut and let her for her own opinions?My fear is that if they turn out to be just as I suspect they will, and Jennifer is upset, she will be angry with me for not warning her, especially because I know everything.I see myself in a position I don't want to be in, already. Ugh.

I would give her the information if she asks, and try to stay as unbiased as possible, and let her make her own determination as to how she wants to go about having or not having contact. She is a grown woman and can determine for herself what she can tolerate in terms of dysfunction and she certainly does not need protecting. In fact, I think it could backfire if you badmouth these family members and discourage her from meeting them. Let her form her own opinions. I think you could say you had some bad experiences and worry that she may get hurt if she presses for more information, but in all honesty it is really impossible to say how she will get along or not get along with her birthfamily. Everyone is different. I just don't think it's your issue to control, and it is entirely possible that she won't experience them in the same way.

I agree with peachy, raven and dickons. By withholding because you think its best is thinking you know whats best FOR HER. IF she asks your opinion you can tell her ...with the understanding its just youropinion. Hrr re;ationship with her bfamily is seperate from yours

Amanda, first, I hope you know that you have my support in your handling of yoursituation with your bio family. We have talked about this on the forum and through PMs. I agree with the others and what they have said. There is just one thing that concerns me. You wrote: "and I don't want to share this new sister with her." I know you are angry at E, and with good reason. I understand you wanted to protect Jen from E. I don't want to take your statement out of context, but it really jumped out at me. Maybe I am reading too much into it? You are an extremely intelligent young lady. I have faith that you will handle the situation, should it arise, with compassion. My only suggestion is that you might let your Bsis, Jen, take the lead. If she wants to know, asks, tell her the facts. There is no need to put the cart before the horse, so to speak. Let her lead and go from there. This is about you and she, not your bio family. Like the others have said, hse has just as much right to know them, craziness and all, as you do. I see no reason it should have much effect on your relationship with her, unless you let it.

That's what I'm hoping to maintain. I don't want this to become one big family reunion. I am staying far away from my biofam, and with good reason.I'm going to play it by ear, and use a "don't ask don't tell" attitude. I wont give her any more information than she asks me for. If she asks me for photos, info, stories, phone numbers, addresses, I will have to give them. I owe Jennifer honesty, above all else. I will however, mention that " I've had a few problems with my own reunion, exercise caution". I won't give details unless she asks, and if she does I'll keep them VERY vague. "E wasn't ready for a relationship with me. She's only 16, but it still hurt me a lot. This was only a few months ago, and has been going on for years. I do not have contact with her anymore because of this." Something like that? That way I am giving her the info she wants, but not throwing her to the wolves without a spear..so to say?

Shadow I am a little embarrassed to admit this, but I don't want Ellen to benefit from my search. In my mind, she couldn't handle ONE sibling, why should I provide her with another? I am very angry with her, and I guess I am afraid that Jennifer and Ellen will become close, and I will once again be outcast. of course I also don't want Jennifer to get hurt, but my motives are not entirely noble. I will have to watch myself for these feelings. This is about me and Jennifer, and if she wants to get in contact with Ellen, so be it and I'll have to just smile and keep quiet. Jennifer and I are closer in age, though. Jennifer is a recent graduate of college, I'm in college, and Ellen is still only a sophomore in high school(shell be a junior this September) Ugh, I'm so ashamed of these feelings. I thought I was past this crap.

Amanda, There you said said(typed) those feelings allowed...they are NORMAL..nothing to be ashamed of but now that you have acknowledged them...get rid of them because theywill only be self destructive for YOU. Whsat evr happens between your younger bsis and the new bsib is between them. It Does NOT mean you are an outcast if it devopls into something. It is no bearing on you. I understand you wanting to have a close relationship with a biorelative...the reality is it may not happen and you may need to be ready for that...if it happens its a bonus but because of the circumstanses of our lives...it may not. Need to get toa point where you feels its ok...you will still finish college, you will still be you and you will still have realtionships with others in your life... One thing at a time!

Amanda, sending you a big, super-huge, cyber hug. No need to be enbarrassed about being human. Those feelings would only be natural in your situation; perfectly understandable. I've had similar feelings in my own reunions, that's probably why that statement jumped out at meI don't know what you should say to Jen, should the situation arise. It will be hard to keep the angry feelings away. I think you already know the right thing to do if the time comes. Just a little reminder to not put the cart before the horse. Just take one day at a time. P.S. IMO, no need to worry about E and J becoming close. E doesn't exactly have a very good tract record when it comes to maintaining close relationships. I think your safe. (wink) Think about it and what you know about character disorders etc.

Totally agree with the PS.... Totally agree with the hug too!

Oh yeah, I'm definitely getting ahead of myself. I just want to be as prepared as I can be, because I know myself all too well. However, E is currently going through a stage where she doesn't want ANYTHING to do with any of her siblings (because we are all connected by our birthmother, whom E has a terrible relationship with ) Chances are E won't ever get wind of Jennifer ( for myself, M, AND birthmother have NO contact with E.) Even our birthmother is fed up with her... which says a LOT. I'm just a little concerned if I can be the unbiased outsider that I so desperately want to be for this girl.

Amanda wrote: "I'm just a little concerned if I can be the unbiased outsider that I so desperately want to be for this girl." I think you should have some faith in yourself. As far as being unbiased, well, IMO, aren't you expecting too much of yourself after all E has put you through? You can most definitely do the right thing, meaning not maliciousely, bad-mouth e, etc, but unbiased? Haven't you been too hurt, too involved emotionally, etc. to really ever be unbiased in regards to E? I'm saying this because I think you are being too hard on yourself. You don't have to be unbiased. IMO, it's only natural that you would be biased after evrything you've been through. I can tell you for a fact, I am most definitely not unbiased, and will never be unbiased, in regards to my Bdad's wife. Quite frankly, she doesn't deserve it. I type that knowing there is a very good possibility that my Bdad will read this. It is what it is. However, I will not go around giving the intimate details, unless asked, as to why I feel towards her as I do. In the end, I don't need to. Anyone who knows her, or ever meets her, will see for themselves sooner or later, what kind of person she is. They can make up their own mind as to how they think and feel about her. All you have to do is be honest, if asked. Do what your heart tells you and you will be fine. Remember, you are only responsible for you.

I haven't read the other responses yet but in my opinion if you are asked for the contact information you should give it to her but also give her a warning. She should be allowed to make the decision for herself but should be given all the information to not only help her in making the decision but also to prepare herself if she does decide to try for contact.

I haven't read the other responses yet but in my opinion if you are asked for the contact information you should give it to her but also give her a warning. She should be allowed to make the decision for herself but should be given all the information to not only help her in making the decision but also to prepare herself if she does decide to try for contact.

Reply With Quote That's exactly what I'll do. I have been praying for the phone to ring all day, and I'll wait for it everyday until something materializes. I hope my attempt at contact does not ruffle up as many feathers as I'm foreseeing.

I got a call from the Catholic Charities today. They contacted my sister, and she is open to a reunion with me. She was "surprised" (and excited-said the caseworker) that she had a younger sibling. If only she knew...She evidently was under the impression that there were only she and our other half sister. Thatour birmother was the average woman who had only two children- one was placed for adoption. What she doesn't know is that our birthmother went on to have 7 more children. I was born directly after her. I am # 3 of 9, she is #2. Not ONE of the children was raised by our birthother. Many are in foster care- 3 (including this sister and myself) were placed for adoption, and two were raised haphazardly by relatives. Our birthmother leads a sad and troubled life. Our siblings who remained do as well. Only this sister and I seemingly escaped it. There are drug issues, depression, bi polar, incarceration, and other sad things floating around here. Our birthmother is wanted in a few states. It makes me ache inside.My birth=history is sad, just so sad. I am sad, now, because I will have to be the one to tell her these things ( if she asks.) I so desperately do not want her to feel the pain I have felt. Already I am feeling protective of her- even though I don't even know her last name, and have never seen her face. We are communicating via the agency for now(which makes me sad but I will continue to do so until she suggests going on our own..we're both in our 20's) but I hope one day her voice will grace my ears. She has apparently been told very little. She has to send in some paperwork, and then my letter will be sent to her home. I am over the moon- so excited to know her. I cannot express how I am feeling. My joy is clouded though- with the knowledge that knowing me might bring her pain. Not because I will do anything to harm her- never in a million years. But because I know so much- I've seen so much, and I've cried so many tears.I hope beyond hope that I am brave enough and good enough to tell her what she wants to know with clarity and gentleness. I want her to see me as her friend- as someone who has all the information, but who is separate from the birthfamily. They are a part of me, just as they are a part of her, but I am not a part of them. I am just another woman who has more in common with her than she might ever know. I am willing to put forth the effort to know her, and be her friend. I only pray she is willing to do the same for me. My relationships with my birthfamily- that had lasted nearly 10 years - have been so worth it- even though they were riddled with pain and heartache, disappointment and regret. I have met pretty much everybody- and I have the scars to prove it. My full birthsister does not love me, and drove me away slowly over the years. I will not be her. I will be a good sister to this girl. I will not be jealous or judgmental or cruel or harsh. I want to be able to give her all the info she wants- but I don't want her to have the experience the pain I have in obtaining it. That's what I want.Most of all,I just want to be her friend. No strings attached. I'm a normal girl. Sister to Matthew, daughter to N and G, a friend to awesome people in over 14 countries, girlfriend to Antonio, and owner of Skipper- happy little white dog. I am an adoptee and a daughter- a cousin and an aunt and a granddaughter and a friend. I speak 4 languages, have had the same best friend for 13 years, have lived in 4 different states and 3 different countries, and I make the best darn cherry cake you'll ever taste. My first kiss was in the Colosseum, my most beautiful night ever was on a boat on the Mediterranean sea. I've been to the top of the Empire State building more times than I care to discuss, and I've touched bricks from the ruins of a house in ancient Greece. This is what I want her to see in me. I want her to see me as an individual. I don't want her to see my face and see the pain of our shared past- the facial structure of our common heritage. I don't want her to associate me as the "bringer of bad news"- as the one who told her that her fantasies about our birthfamily were not true. I don't want her to see me, and see our past. I want her to see me as the friend with common ancestry who I so desperately want to be for her. I only hope that she will care about me just as I already (and surprisingly) care about her. I want her to look back on this day years from now- and be happy that she met me.