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I’ve lived in Italy (more specifically , Sicily- which is almost a different world) on and off throughout my life- for years at a time. My last long time in Italy, which was from 2005-2008, I dated a man, Antonio, for about a year and a half. I never told him about my adoption. He and I had a silly, young relationship. I was too caught up in the romance and thrill of the moment to be bothered telling him about my past. I speak Italian just as well as English, and though my adoptive family is Italian and Italian/American, it gets funny to explain to people that although my family is Italian- I haven’t got an ounce of Italian blood! Anyway It got very intense very quickly- and once during a pregnancy scare (I can hardly breathe, just thinking abut how awful that was) I mentioned to him that I was adopted (while we discussed options.) Anyway, it turns out that my lack of menstruation was caused by something else, and we never discussed adoption again. We were so frazzled in the moment that my adoption didn’t get discussed at all!Now, months later, he is coming to visit me in NYC in a few weeks. I was talking with him today via webcam, and I mentioned to him about my search for a bio sibling of mine. He was very confused. Exasperated, I explained to him AGAIN that I was adopted. His reaction, when he finally “got it” surprised and hurt me.“I’m sorry,” he said. I asked him why on earth he was sorry.“Well, your REAL parents are dead, right?”“My birthparents..? No, they’re alive and well.”“ I don’t understand. If they are alive why were you adopted.”“ They had a lot going on back then, and they couldn’t take care of me.” ( I kept it simple)“So they..gave you away?” I told him that it wasn’t quite that simple. He got annoyed.“That doesn’t exist in Italy. Adoptions only happen to orphans- they only happen when the parent’s are dead. If a girl in Italy has a baby she doesn’t want- the mother will take the baby and raise it. In Italy, we don’t “ give away” our kids because they are inconvenient.”This whole conversation was in Italian, but that’s the gist. “Inconvienenza.” That word sticks out, regardless of the language. I was so flabbergasted; I didn’t know what to say. Foolishly, without educating him, I told him that I had to shower, and that we’d talk later. He is not a stupid person, he is extremely sensitive and sweet. I loved him, but this had me reeling back in disgust.Has anyone else had this sort of experience? Culturally, Sicilians are extremely protective of their family’s, and I’ve lived there for 11 years out of my 23 years on earth, and I’ve never met an Italian adoptee or a birthparent. I met ONE adoptee, who was adopted from a Russian orphanage into Italy. I knew one girl in my Italian high school who got pregnant. The school moved her class to a classroom on the ground floor so she wouldn’t have to walk up stairs. She got married, and the father moved in with the girl and her family and they are all raising the baby together. I understand cultural differences- but Antonio’s response just sounded ridiculous. I talked to my friend, Claudia, who lives in another part of Italy about this as well, and she agreed with him (though she was tactful enough to use..nicer words)I could kick myself for not educating him..I was just too shocked. In the end, he said:“Now you have good family who loves you and you should just be grateful. Any parent who gives up their child shouldn’t have one anyway. You are lucky! And I love your family! They are wonderful- be happy you have them now. That’s all that matters.”And then, when I told him I was glad they weren't dead because I got a chance to knowthem-I got the best comment of all:"Death means they COULDN'T care for you. You can grieve for that. But if they are alive, that just means they did not want you. That is something more difficult to grieve. Being unwanted for me is worse."Ugh. Has anyone else seen these…cultural differences firsthand? Is adoption REALLY not a viable option in other some places? I discussed it with other members of my family abroad( only in Italy), and they all had the same sentiments. Am I missing something? He was truly disgusted and surprised by the fact that my bioparents were still alive. In fact, I don't think I've ever met an adoptee in the USA whose parents weren't! (though I know they exist.) I feel like this was a ridiculous conversation. Am I simply out of the loop? Or are these bigots floating around all over the place and I just hadn’t come across one before? I talkd to my mom about it ( who lived in Sicily until she was 31) and she just said it was a difference in ideas. I love Antonio, but man oh man did I feel crappy about my life for the rest of the day.
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I'm not trying to sound confrontational but I don't see what the big deal is.
It sounds like families in Italy are much more cohesive than they are here in the states. I'm certainly no expert on Italian culture and have only spent an extended time out of the states in South America, but what I saw there is that family is everything. To them it's all about their children and I personally wouldn't place labels on them because of cultural differences, but that's me.
As an adoptee I am sure that you are more than aware that most of us were put up for adoption because we were inconvenient. We were a source of shame. And yes we weren't wanted. I don't think that Antonio was out of line with his assessment.
Personally I wish that people here in the states had the same attitudes as they do where Antonio lives. When my mom found out that my girlfriend (now wife of 26+ years) was pregnant she lamented on how she'd have to hang her head in shame when she went back to her hometown. She was more concerned about the shame that she would feel than she was about her future grandson the architect. It would have been nice to have heard "You both made a mistake but the family we'll survive and we'll welcome our new member when they arrive."
fwiw mountain out of a molehill.
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Amanda, Adoption became a big business/politically correct thing to do in the US because people chose to judge others who did not fit into the perfect nuclear family that was deemed the perfect way to live. Once adoption because the solution for the families it became common. Before that it was not common. That was the 50's and 60's, before that, children were more often than not raised in their biological family, generally as a late pregnacy by the 'grandmother' but raised to believe the grandmother was their mother. If you look at family trees prior to the 50's it is amazing how many families have gaps of 15-25 years between their first grouping of children and a late arrival. Kind regards,Dickons
I've heard similar sentiments expressed among Latino people here in the states. And it is interesting because at a recent birthmom group I attended, A Latina birthmom brought up the subject of different cultures and how in the Latino culture, there is more emphasis on family and keeping children in the family. I expressed that I sometimes wished this was the case in my family, but she went on to say that it wasn't necessarily this loving, supportive thing. The way she described it was that there was still a lot of shame about it, and you'd be pressured to (whether you were able to or not) raise your child or give it over to someone else to raise (whether they were able to or not). In her particular case, she'd be expected to have the child and forced to raise the baby, or forced to let someone else in her family raise her child, even if she didn't feel good about the person doing the raising. This particular woman wanted adoption because she knew as a young teen, she was not in a place to give her child what she wanted her to have, but neither did she want to keep the child within her family, which was not a healthy situation. So she kept her pregnancy secret, had her baby, and placed. I don't think always keeping the child in the family is the best thing. It's nice to have as an option, but not always the answer. And I suppose there are no abused and neglected children in all of Italy? Or children in very dysfunctional families?????
No, it does not mean they didn't want you. I sometimes get tired of this "unwanted" term getting bandied about. "Abandoned" and "rejected" are two others that come up all the time, and I find that with the vast majority of birthmoms, none of these things are true or have anything to do with the reasons why they placed.
What you have here is a classic case of cultural differences. I don't know if you could even educate your friend, simply because he is approaching this from a totally different mindset. It's not that it's incorrect, necessarily, just different.
"Death means they COULDN'T care for you. You can grieve for that. But if they are alive, that just means they did not want you. That is something more difficult to grieve. Being unwanted for me is worse."
I'm not trying to sound confrontational but I don't see what the big deal is.
To them it's all about their children and I personally wouldn't place labels on them because of cultural differences, but that's me.
No, it does not mean they didn't want you.
I sometimes get tired of this "unwanted" term getting bandied about. "Abandoned" and "rejected" are two others that come up all the time, and I find that with the vast majority of birthmoms, none of these things are true or have anything to do with the reasons why they placed.
I don't think always keeping the child in the family is the best thing. It's nice to have as an option, but not always the answer. And I suppose there are no abused and neglected children in all of Italy? Or children in very dysfunctional families?????
Personally I wish that people here in the states had the same attitudes as they do where Antonio lives.