Will I regret it if I send birthfather a fathers day card?

Hey Amanda, From an outsiders perspective, I am seeing that you are struggling greatly with stopping communication with your bdad. I sympathize with this a great deal. I understand. As I think I said in another thread, you can take my word for it that there is part of us - the little girl heart - that always loves our father no matter what. We can't squelch that part - not without great pain too ourselves. The question - IMO - comes down to this: Can you live without him in your life? If you are wavering on this issue of communication, then I can tell you that every holiday, every celebration and the cards that go with them, will be hard for you for a while. Maybe for a long while. I don't know if anyone else is going to be that honest with you but I will be. This stuff is tough. You are going to have to trust me on that. Amanda, this isn't going to get easier with time. Yes, you can learn to live with it but that doubt and pain will be there and every once in a while it will tap on you on the shoulder. You have a long history with your bdad. There is no denying that. (Not said meanly - at least I hope it doesn't sound that way). In all honesty though, if you have decided that it is in your best interests to not see your bdad, then IMO, you should not send him a card. ((( Amanda ))) You have legitimate concerns about the way you've been treated. That much is obvious and you are trying to take a stand for yourself. That is your right and it takes great courage to do so. So before you send this card, IMO you need to ask yourself a couple of questions. #1. What do I expect to get out of it? #2. Am I willing to face the consequences of sending it - be they either fury from my bdad or a desire for contact? #3. Have I looked at all outcomes and can I live with them - whatever they are? #4. Is it fair to myself to send this card? Will I put myself in a position I don't want to be in? #5. Am I sending this card out of guilt? Those are questions only you can answer. If it is guilt spurring you to send this card, then IMO, I wouldn't send it. I would only send it if I was in a space where i could deal with contact. From a parents perspective, if my children were to say they didn't want anything more to do with me and then they sent a card? I would assume they were still wanting contact but weren't sure of what kind or how much. I don't know if any of this helps but I hope you find some peace with all of this.

Why not send the card with a little note saying that you are still not ready to resume contact at this time, but still wanted to wish him a happy father's day? At one point, I cut off contact with my mom (I'm not adopted, but have had a very tumultuous relationship with her all my life) and was not ready to resume contact, but had heard she was sick and needed some medical treatement which I knew she was upset/nervous about. I had expressly asked her not to call me until I was ready to hear from her again, but she left a message at my work. I felt badly for her but was truly not ready to get back in touch, so I sent her a card telling her I was sorry to hear about the illness, was hoping she would feel better soon, and would be in touch but not at that time. I heard through other relatives that she really was thrilled to get that card. Maybe you could do something along those lines? You can still wish him a happy father's day and at the same time, reaffirm your boundaries around contact. I don't think the two need to be mutually exclusive. In my view, sending a card is not the same as contact, and you won't be sending mixed signals if you make it clear that the card is not an invitation for contact. This can be done in a gentle and respectful manner. Just MHO. Oh, and yes, I would enjoy a mother's day card even if I was no longer in reunion. It might be bittersweet and I might be sad that the contact was no longer there, but I would be happy that my son was still thinking of me.

I feel guilty, yes Janey. I do. Everyone tells me that I shouldn't (in my real life). They tell me to forget him-I had a nice 10 year fling but it didn't work. I tried, and didn't work out. I should just be happy that I had that bit of time- but now it's time to move on. Why can't I brush this off. I do not know the answer.I do not want contact. As much as I care about him, and as much as I WANT to have contact- the self preservation part of me kicks in- and I do not pick up that phone. Something inside me is telling me never to speak to him again- that he has hurt me for the last time. I also feel guilty and sad. I feel sorry for him that he is stuck so far away with his awful daughter. I feel sorry that I hurt his feelings, made him cry. I feel so sorry.Unfortunately- by not having contact with him- I am essentially telling him that I am better off without him. By not sending him a card- I am telling him that not only am I better off without him, but that he is nobody to me.I could go the rest of my life without acknowledging my adoption. I spent years trying to pretend it didn't exist- and in hindsight those years were so much easier. I could engross myself even further into my family. None of them will remind me about adoption. None of them like to talk about it either. I fit in so well. Maybe it would be easier that way?I want so badly not to care about him-- to erase him from my life and move the heck on. Jesus, I need to move on from this bull. There is something holding me back. There is a longing- I can't put my finger on exactly what it is. Part of me wants to give into this longing- just so I don't have to fight it anymore. I'm weary from the fight.

Hey Amanda, Peachy makes some excellent points. I realize I may have come off a bit hard-nosed or know-it-all-ish. Sorry if I did. I don't mean it that way. It's just difficult to see the dad stuff from any perspective but my own. Old memories resurface. ((( Amanda ))) There's a tried but true saying. "Shouldah, couldah, wouldah". It's easy for everyone else (myself included no doubt) to tell you that you shouldn't feel this way or that. Well...none of us is living in your skin, kiddo. We might have been in some similar circumstance, sure. That doesn't mean any of us can fit into your Keds, you know? The last time I saw my father was after a very tragic and terrible day. I watched him turn his back on someone who needed him so very badl. I looked into his eyes and finally accepted what I'd known all along. I didn't plan for that to happen. It just did. Now...so many years further on... there are days when I can go without thinking of my dad and all that transpired after and before that terrible day. Then there are times when my father haunts me. I cannot say - at least from my experience - that a person ever truly makes peace with the decision to stay away. For me, it's been as you said - an understanding that I needed to do what I did. Still, my history is not yours. The circumstances are far different and that needs to be acknowledged by me in my post to you. Guess I'm saying that if you feel you want to send the card, then you should send it maybe with Peachy's suggested message. But if you're doing so out of guilt, then you're still playing the game his way. Still being the dutiful daughter out of some sense of obligation. ((( Amanda ))) I understand. I really do. All God's peace your way today.

Amanda, Send the card with the note you want to write. Kind regards,Dickons

Amanda, I second Dickon's opinion...send the card. You don't even have to put a message in it if you don't know what to say. I think you miss him...and that's okay, sweetie. :loveyou: