Mediation Update

Don't say you'll do something (extra visits, etc.) that you aren't comfortable with or that will put your kids at risk. It sounds like everything you want in the OA is completely reasonable and that BD might need some counseling to help him understand what is happening. But it is great that you are in mediation... I assume there will be more meetings to sort all this out?

If I were you, I would be asking someone what the point of mediation was, and the relationship between mediation and the trial. Here, the point of mediation is to get bio parents to sign TPR voluntarially, in exchange for the contact the adoptive parents will allow with the child. And if the bio parents and adoptive parents cannot reach an agreement on contact during the mediation, and therefore the bio parents do not sign TPR voluntarially, then the case goes to trial and TPR is (usually) granted involuntarially. Meaning the bio parent gets nothing in the way of contact. If that's the case where you live, then you don't have to worry about the trial date being moved because there was no mediation agreement in place before trial. In fact, the trial date is there for the express purpose of being there in case you don't reach an agreement. Does that make sense? But it appears that it is either different in your area, or you were not informed of how it works in your area. So if I were you, I'd be asking.

We're adopting our almost 2 yr old who we got when she was 18 months old. Dad had already relinquished before she came back into foster care and Mom relinquished in March. We agreed to 4 visits a a year with Mom(Dad was not involved in the agreement since he was already TPR) and updates throughout the year of pics and letters. I think that 4 visits is the max I would like because I need my daughter to attach to me and DH as the parents and if she was constantly seeing Mom, I believe her life would be in turmoil. She would always be thinking that the next visit she would be going home with Mom. It's different from a placed baby in an open adoption. We are changing her name(she didn't know her name when we got her) and we are insisting that the birthparents be called by their first names. For us, it's just another issue with attachment. I think all the things you have outlined are within reason and you know the situation with the bios. Don't agree to anything you are uncomfortable with just to get them to sign. If they are in mediation, it sounds like the state is heading toward a definite TPR anyway, and this is their way of trying to get the bios to sign and get something rather than nothing. If the state has to TPR then the bios don't have an agreement and you are not liable for any contact unless it is ordered by the judge at TPR. It does osund like the bios do not understand mediation or the upcoing adoption. Adoption gives you the right to do whatever you want with her name. Our DD's bio Dad got very upset when he found out that bio Mom had relinquished and named us as the adoptive parents without consulting him, even though he had no legal rights. He is even less happy about the fact that we have changed her name. We do not have to have any contact with him, but I plan on sending him pics occasionally.

I wouldn't sign anything if I were you. I sure as heck wouldn't commit to four visits per year--that's a lot! Also, it is highly inappropriate for the birthfather to be calling you directly. How did he get your number? Is he stalking you or something? Given the things he is saying, I would have to say there should absolutely be no agreement with him and none with her if she is with him. Also that you really should rethink any openness at all--and I am generally an advocate for openness. Personally, I wouldn't let him anywhere near my daughter with that attitude. I am going to copy in my post about agreements from your other thread because I wrote it late: Open adoption does not equal open adoption agreement If it is not too late, I would like to point out that open adoptions DO NOT equal open adoption agreements. There is ABSOLUTELY NO NEED FOR AN OPEN ADOPTION AGREEMENT to have openness. Mediation is NOT about deciding between open or not open. You don't need mediation or an agreement for that at all. Mediation is, bottom line, about deciding how much you are willing to contract with another parent in exchange for their child. It is becoming fashionable for courts to push prospective parents into it to save the state time and money. I see no other reason for it. I may get flamed for that opinion, but if the parent won't sign without the agreement or is more ready to sign with it, what else is but a contract for a child? In all the years I've been on these boards, I have yet to see anyone give a reason for having an agreement other than to influence the parent to relinquish. There are child-based reasons for openness, but I have yet to read or hear of any child-based reason for an agreement. Mediation is also about how much you want to be the deciding factor or appear to be the deciding factor in the fact that first parent and child will be separated legally. Your child will know about the agreement, how it came into being, and what the outcome of it was. I would never want my child to look at me and think, "You are the reason my first parent relinquished." And mediation is about how willing you are to make legally or ethically binding promises to another adult to make your child available to them over the course of their entire childhood. Can there be protections that give you absolute discretion? Sure, but then why have an agreement that builds false expectations and a sense of entitlement? There are more reasons I don't think they are a good idea. The last I'll mention here, though, is the way they change the nature of the relationship from something that is wanted and sought to something that is required and considered a right by one of the parties. Lots of people respond to questions about agreements as if they are questions about openness when they are not. If you are persuaded to try openness, great, but I think it is important to not fall into the trap of thinking that openness requires an agreement when it really, really does not.

TPR is set for July 8. Yes the mediation is because they said they want to relinquish and not go to trial. We won't get another meeting with mediator until after the trial date. I was told today that what I asked and agreed to is fine and that they told BM that she needs to take what she can get or she will get nothing if going to court. I worry they will cancel trial or reset it, but was told today that will NOT happen. We will still go to court on the 8th and either enter into the stipulation and their relinquishment will be entered onto record, or the trial will continue that day. Of course, if they fight it, we couldn't be happier, then no hassles with visits, etc, but we will let them have up to 4 visits per year. I want FD to still be involved with her tribal culture so am willing to do a little more with BD for that reason, and he is good with her, just can't get his other stuff together, housing, a job, etc. Anyways, thansk for the all info, it seems we are moving forward.

We have had a very open relationship with her being in foster care with us. We have done trips outside of supervised DHS visits. She is NA and we have taken her to a number of ceremonial events. He respected me saying that I would not discuss the mediation directly with him. He is much more mentally stable then the mother. Because we have done things outside of DHS they have had my phone number for a year. They don't disrepect me in calling all the time or bothering us. They also know where I live. It's a small town and she went to a yard sale one street away and saw my cars and my husband outside. My inlaws live next door to the BD. Her and her current husband are the ones I worry about. They are both criminals and have a criminal mind. I can handle saying I would agree to 4 times a year, but she won't follow through. She never does. And I am expecting she will want to sign on her 7 month old as soon as she delivers number 3.

If there is going to be a trial, stop all contact with the birthparents until after the ruling, you are putting yourself in a very interesting situation by having continued contact with someone you could be asked to testify against in an attempt to gain custody of his child, kwim?That's not to say you can't have phone contact later... go for it, but now is not that time I don't think.

Are these contracts/open adoption legally binding?

Both parents have relinquished as of last week. Now we keep working on mediation, they aren't happy with what I have said we would agree to so we are arguing back and forth. We have to wait the 30 days for them to "change their mind" and then our adoption papers will be submitted. So we are almost done.

Personally I wouldn't agree to an open adoption agreement in writing..period! What happens if something goes wrong and you don't want to continue visits? If you sign an agreement you will have to abide by the 4 visits per year no matter what. Is there a chance the TPR won't go thru at trial and that's why you are mediating? I'm confused why you need to do a written open adoption agreement at all? Can't you wait til trial and then do what you feel is good for this child then? At least you have the choice to change visits as the child grows and as situations change.

There is no trial as they have relinquished. I have very strict things in place with the mediation agreement that I will not change like continued criminal activity and the mediation agreement is terminated. BM and her husband (parents to my 2nd FD, she is BM to FD we are adopting) just got arrested for stealing clothes for both girls from their work. Things like this will void out the agreement. BD and I have had a great relationship for the benefit of our FD and he is good with her. Because of her being NA, we want him involved to keep her involved in cultural events. Both parents know we have the right to terminated the mediation contract for any reason at any time if they screw up. If there is a missed visit, there will be no more. Things like that.

If they have chosen to relinquish without a written agreement in place, I see no reason to continue negotiating one.