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i was told to come & write in this forum. i don't know what else to do. I dont have anyone else to turn to. i found out today that my birthmother died on the 16th june. i wrote her a letter, but if i had sent it, it would have been too late. i waited too long.
i dont know how to describe what im feeling. im aching. "sad" doesnt explain it. "mourn" doesnt cut it. "cry" doesnt fit either. its so much more than that. she was so much more than that, & i never told her. i signed up to this website a few months back, and left for a while to gather myself. i came back when someone replied to my post on the 20th june - four days after she died. i started expressing my feelings for her for the first time, i've never been totally honest about how strongly i feel about her before.
my adoptive parents are people who i thought i knew, but now i see i do not. when my mum read the letter that told me my birthmum was dead, she smiled. when my dad found out, he couldnt figure out what the problem was. i have lost three parents in a space of an hour. i have nowhere to turn. my parents think now that my birthmum has died, it's another 'problem' solved.
i have left home since i received the letter this morning. i am staying with a friend. she thinks i am stupid to have wanted to find out about my birthparents in the first place, but at least she had a room for me. she is going to help me get the rest of my things while my parents are out tomorrow.
from then, i dont know what i'll do. my world has crumbled. i dont even know if i want to fight anymore. there's nothing left.
it hurts too much
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Emma,Take stock of your resources. Do you have a job? Have you explored the resources that are available in your area. In the county were I lived until this year, there was a place called "Next Step" that provided a place to stay while they helped you make the next move.Is it possible that your amom is hurt because she feels rejected and has said things in her pain that she doesn't mean and will be sorry for? It sounds like she has said similar things all your life, but I'm not sure that is what you are saying. I would also take what she says about your bmom with a large grain of salt (unless they were best friends you were conceived!)Again, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and that the parents you raised can't be supportive in the midst of your pain and grief, but instead add to it.
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I am so sorry Emma, so very sorry, you were so close yet so far...my mother passed away before I searched so I received the news via email from my CI. Your walls will protect you from those who will never understand but please do not allow them to always be up - you will miss out on true friends if you do. Go to your library and search for resources in your area - there will be something. Reach out and you will find an answer to where you can live. Do not allow anyone to tell you that you cannot mourn, you lost your mother that you love, how could you not feel pain, anger and grief? I am sorry that your parents are not there for you - that is incredibly sad and something I have no experience with. So sad how insecurities can cause such issues. My word of advice would be to try and stay neutral with your extended family, do not involve anyone else, let them come to their own conclusions. Kind regards,Dickons
Oh, Emma, I'm so very sorry. I wish I had the right words to say to make you feel better, but I don't. I just wish you had others around you who could be a better support to you. The things your amom said, well, to ridicule you and put you down in your grief is just horrific. I don't think there is any excuse for that, personally. Even if she is hurting or feeling rejected or whatever, you have suffered a tremendous loss. She needs to put her own feelings aside, at least for the near term. I'm sorry she can't or won't.
Do NOT deny your feelings, no matter what. If you cannot handle a visit with your cousins at this time, don't do it. You don't necessarily have to go into all the details if they won't understand.
Are there other friends you could stay with until you get on your feet? What a thing to have to deal with at this time, in needing to find a new place to live! That is not easy, but is there anyone near you who could help you out right now?
If you need us, we are here. We understand. And as a birthmom I can tell you the bond I feel for my child is absolutely unbreakable. I don't think death severs these bonds, either, I really don't. Pray to your birthmom. She will hear you.
Aw, Emma. You don't deserve this. It makes me angry that your adoptive parents are treating you this way. Even though they don't understand or may be insecure that doesn't excuse their behavior.
I also found that my bmom had passed away before I found her. I was devastated. I had wanted to meet her face to face. To hug her. To ask her questions. To know both my story and her story. It was not meant to be and those who aren't adopted could not understand my feelings of grief. I am reunited with my 8 birth siblings. They didn't know about me and I was a shock to many of them. But they did welcome me and I was able to learn a lot from them about our mother.
I also believe that my birth mom helped me reunite with my siblings. And agree - pray to your bmom. She will help you decide what to do.
Hugs
Snuffie
emmacj
I went today and got the rest of my things from my parents place. I tried to go while they were out, but my mum was home. While I was packing, she spent the entire time ridiculing me. I'm stupid for reacting this way; I didn't even know her; She reliquished her rights when she gave me away. When I didn't respond, she became nasty: She didn't want you; You wont fit in with them; Who would want you?; You were the product of a hate crime, that's all you'll ever be - a mistake. I don't think I can ever forgive her for that. My extended family have no idea what's going on - four of my cousins are still talking to me, and one thinks she's sleeping over next thursday night. How do I tell them about this? I'm very close to my cousins & I dont want to lose them, but they have always thought I was strange for wanting to find my birthmum. They don't mean it harshly - they just dont understand. They have never been nasty or mean about it all, they just dont get why I would want to find her, and that's ok - they dont have to. I just dont know how much more loss I can cope with. I've become accustomed to putting on a brave face in 'the real world', and I think it's happened here tonight too. I don't want to get in the habit of that, because here is somewhere I feel like I can be myself. I feel like I can say what I'm really thinking & I wont be ridiculed for it. If I keep the brave face on here too, I have nowhere to turn. Okay, brave face down.. I'm terrified. I've never lived away from my parents, and even though it was my choice, I know now I have gone, there will be no going home again. "Home" will never be my home. It's hard to explain.. I honestly don't want anything more to do with them, (& it's mutual) yet I'm so scared about going out on my own. I have never felt so alone in my life. I always had my mum there - yes, 99% was insults & ridicule, but she was still there. I think I'm numb - I can't allow myself to see the enormity of this or I will fall apart. My friend that I'm living with now needs me out in three weeks, as she has someone else moving in. What the hell am I going to do in three weeks time? I have nowhere to turn. If I don't chuck this wall back up I'm going to lose it, so thank you all again for your replies.. They mean more than I can say. -Emma
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I'm feeling a lot calmer today. I think I got overwhelmed & overreacted a bit. I'm okay. I shouldnt have been feeling like that when she's left six kids behind, one of them only four years old! It's them that need the looking after.
I don't have a job at the moment, I had taken time off to take care of my mother after she had a stroke a few years ago. I will go and see my old boss tomorrow morning I think - he said that there will always be a job available for me, so I'll take him up on it. I think I just need to be kept busy & I'll be right.
I haven't filled my cousins in - they are aware I'm living with a friend, & that's it. They know somethings happened, but they have the decency not to ask at the moment. I will tell them soon, it's something that affects them also. I dont want them to feel they have to take sides. I'm fine with anything they decide. Just go with the flow & see what happens.
I did have some good news - the gecko that I've been wanting to buy was able to be sold today, so I bought him to my friends house. I am really interested in his species, & I work as a vet nurse (providing I get my job back!) so the clients will be interested to see him too.
All in all, today was a good day. I moved the rest of my things out of my parents place, I bought the gecko, I organised a day trip with my cousin for next week. I kept busy, it was the best thing for me. I feel great. I'm still not sure what I'll do when my 3 weeks is up, but I'm sure something will come up. Worry about it in two weeks time ;)
Thank you for your continual support & friendship. xx
emmacj
I'm feeling a lot calmer today. I think I got overwhelmed & overreacted a bit. I'm okay. I shouldnt have been feeling like that when she's left six kids behind, one of them only four years old! It's them that need the looking after. I don't have a job at the moment, I had taken time off to take care of my mother after she had a stroke a few years ago. I will go and see my old boss tomorrow morning I think - he said that there will always be a job available for me, so I'll take him up on it. I think I just need to be kept busy & I'll be right.I haven't filled my cousins in - they are aware I'm living with a friend, & that's it. They know somethings happened, but they have the decency not to ask at the moment. I will tell them soon, it's something that affects them also. I dont want them to feel they have to take sides. I'm fine with anything they decide. Just go with the flow & see what happens. I did have some good news - the gecko that I've been wanting to buy was able to be sold today, so I bought him to my friends house. I am really interested in his species, & I work as a vet nurse (providing I get my job back!) so the clients will be interested to see him too. All in all, today was a good day. I moved the rest of my things out of my parents place, I bought the gecko, I organised a day trip with my cousin for next week. I kept busy, it was the best thing for me. I feel great. I'm still not sure what I'll do when my 3 weeks is up, but I'm sure something will come up. Worry about it in two weeks time ;)Thank you for your continual support & friendship. xx
Hello
I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses.
Too many at one time.
It is never stupid to want to find birthparents. The only problem is sometime we can face rejection, pain, and death but we don't know until we search.
I'm also so sorry about your adopted parents. Not to make excuses for either of them but it might have been a situation with at least your adopted mom that she was scared and felt frightened and threatened if you found your birth mother. But all the same that is no excuse to smile.
The letter didn't get sent. I'm sorry but it is not like you knew she was going to die. And you can't blame yourself for not sending it in time. You had no way of knowing this was going to happen.
Now, you have not only one death but it sounds like two other emotional deaths.
Keep a notebook on your thoughts and feelings daily. This will help you begin to mend.
My good thoughts to you.
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Emma,
I am so sorry about your bmom. My heart goes out to you. You were not wrong to want to look. It's your choice and anyone who discourages that is sticking their nose where it doesn't belong. Please keep writing and sharing your feelings, and know that there are people out there that care for you.
Kitty
Hi guys, just a quick update,
I'm moving back in with my adoptive parents as of tomorrow. I desperately don't want to, but some reasons have come to head that mean I can't stay by myself anymore.
I'm not sure how I feel about moving back. I know I can't stay by myself, but moving in with them is something that I didn't want to do at this point in time. I needed some time away from them in order to get things sorted out with how I feel. I'm not allowed to have feelings at home.
I feel stuck. I don't know what else I can do. There's no-one else who I can turn to for this problem, it's something that immediate family needs to deal with. I don't know that I have any other choice.
I feel almost bombarded. When do the hurdles end???
emmacj
Hi guys, just a quick update,I'm moving back in with my adoptive parents as of tomorrow. I desperately don't want to, but some reasons have come to head that mean I can't stay by myself anymore. I'm not sure how I feel about moving back. I know I can't stay by myself, but moving in with them is something that I didn't want to do at this point in time. I needed some time away from them in order to get things sorted out with how I feel. I'm not allowed to have feelings at home. I feel stuck. I don't know what else I can do. There's no-one else who I can turn to for this problem, it's something that immediate family needs to deal with. I don't know that I have any other choice.I feel almost bombarded. When do the hurdles end???
I'm so sorry you lost your birthmom, and so sorry that your family is being insensitive. I do think (as a birthmom) that the adoptive parents have fears of their own, especially if they were afraid they'd never have children...
We have fantasies about what our unknown relatives are like, what the circumstances were, and probably adoptive parents have fantasies about the negative circumstances they imagine. They don't understand it all themselves, I'm sure.
Remember her...but try to resolve things with the family, too.
Sometimes the child has to be the grown-up.
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I can understand what you are feeling. When I learned that my birth father passed away it was beyond sadness. Crying did not help, and words could not express what I felt ripping out of my soul. Someone asked me, "How can you grieve for someone that you hardly knew?" That is just it; without the support from people who CHOSE me, and now the loss of my father; what else is left? At that precise moment, it felt like my soul just died with my father. I do not think anyone can understand the pain of such a loss unless they went through it as well.
So sorry to hear of your loss. Do I understand that you never contacted her at all?
As a birthmom, I know that she would have been grateful to have known how you are, how you turned out.
Of course you have a right to mourn. Is there family who could tell you about her and how she felt? In some families no one talks about it, even if the person wants to, but in others, there's communication.
Awful that your adoptive parents let you see their reaction. They can't help what it was, everyone has their own fears amd insecurities, but they should've tried, and thought of you instead of themselves.
That doesn't negate eveything you had with them all these years, so please don't cut yourself off from them. Give it some time.
I can say how true it is that a birthmother never forgets, and that's even true for those who have circumstances that are difficult.
She thought of you often, I am sure, and hoped always to know more.
Take care.