new to this attatchment parenting thing

Your kids sound so much like mine were. Mine couldn't heal without attachment therapy. Nothing I did alone was enough. I HIGHLY recommend you get into AT to help you heal your kids!

I really don't know how to go about doing that. We had a regular therapist but the state did not approve anymore sessions. I didn't care for the therapist anyway. I didn't feel she had much insight and she wanted to meet with the kids alone. What good does that do? The kids just say all kinds of wierd stuff to try avoid the discomfort of talking about things that make them sad or angry. I feel like we need someone to come in and work with the whole family and help the kids learn to trust US and talk to US. I did an online search for an attatchment therapist and got nothing.

Contact the Attachment and Trauma Network at radzebra.org. They have an excellent list of attachment therapists and lost of support for parents dealing attachment disordered children.

Maybe while you are working to find a therapist you would find the book, "The Connected Child" helpful. You can easily find it on Amazon. My child is in Attachment Therapy but this book has also helped me tremendously. The author is very good at becoming very specific what to say and do. She writes about children who cannot seem to stop intense physical activity. I just think its a really great book, a real lifesaver!

Based on my own experience I would definately recommend that you find a therapist with experience in counselling RAD kids. Your kids sound exactly like mine did at that age and I could never have done it without a good therapist. (and I used to think therapy was unessary and dumb, lol) I truly believe at least one parent needs to be with the kids in all of the therapy sessions. The book mentioned by the last poster also sounds interesting and good. Good luck. There is hope. Just remember there are definate ways to act and respond to these kids and the sooner you are educated in them the happier you will be.

"I truly believe at least one parent needs to be with the kids in all of the therapy sessions." I totally agree, but how do I get my kids therapist to understand this? We had therapy today (she is not an attatchment therapist just the one that the agency uses) I don't really know if there is anyone else available. I mentioned to our kids therapist today that I would like to be in the room while she is talking with them but she still took them in by themselves. Am I being a push over?

Things are getting better though. We have good days and bad but the kids have started refering to the birth parents by their first names and calling us mama and daddy. They also tell other kids that we are their forever parents. Thought that was cute. This is soooo much harder than anyone could imagine. But, I have to remind myself that if this adjustment is hard for me, it has to be 10 times harder for a child.

I don't know if your kids have RAD but it seems likely. Understanding of RAD is relatively new and many social workers and psychologists don't seem to understand it. The symptoms of RAD get diagnosed as things like ADHD, ODD, and PTSD. Good attachment therapists are hard to find. If your kids really have RAD then just getting into the room with your existing therapist won't help. Ordinary therapy done by people who don't understand RAD is not effective. RAD kids know how to work the system. Therapists may think they are making great progress but all that is happening is the kids are learning which actions and answers (usually lies) produce rewards that they want. At home there is no long term progress. A good attachment therapist knows that they can never break through the child's wall without the parent there to keep the facts straight. And the whole point is attachment to you, not to the therapist. When we received him, our RAD child had been in the system for 7 years, since the age of 2. He had been to years of play therapy and he knew every "correct" answer. He knew how to run the show and get this therapist to do whatever he wanted. He was happy to make up stories to satisfy her desire to talk while they played. He enjoyed doing that--every successful lie confirmed that he was still in control and that made him feel safe. He was mortified when he first went in to see his new attachment therapist and his new adoptive mom was invited to stay in the room. How would he triangulate the therapist from the mother? He wasn't able to control the flow. He was called on his lies. He made valiant attempts to change the subject but his new therapist couldn't be fooled. When he wouldn't talk she talked for him and she always knew what he was feeling deep down, even more so than he knew himself. What she said struck him hard, deep down. It scared him to face himself. He was desperate to avoid therapy and his opposition turned physical. The therapist taught my wife how to hold him safely and gently. He could not get away. Eventually he gave up trying. He didn't have to participate but he still had to listen. The therapist seemed to know everything that happened at home each week. Eventually he discovered that his new mom could work magic. If he snuggled up close then she could take his big feelings away. She could make him feel safe even when he was not in control. That was a new experience for him. It felt strangly good. He wanted more but was still scared to face himself. Gradually he began to engage in the sessions, first by answering yes/no questions and then, slowly, more. When it hurt he snuggled up to mom. He began, at times, to do this at home. Therapeutic parenting left him with no control over anything in his life and that made him feel scared and vulnerable. The only good he could feel was when he let mom take his big feelings away. Like a baby, he became possessive of her and her time. The rest of the story has not yet been written. He now his some kind of bond with his new mom. We hope that in time his closeness with her will allow him to gradually be able to face the world without controlling it and without fearing it and that his ability to attach to her will eventually blossom into an ability to attach to other people. There is no way we could have traveled this road without our attachment therapist and without her there is no way we could finish this journey.

Wow what a road to travel. I talked to the therapist and she said that she does have training in attatchment and RAD. This makes me wonder though, why does she insist on sending me out of the room? Like you said, isn't the point that the kids learn to express their feeling to US not to her. We only have a few more sessions approved so then what? I guess this is just going to have to come out of our pocket because all of the states therapists seem to do things the same way. they don't treat us like a family. Thanks for your insight and for sharing your story. It is very helpful. -Julie

Many of the behaviors you mention scream RAD As far as your current therapist goes - training doesn't = experience and these kids need someone with lots of experience dealing with RAD You need an attachment specialist not someone who covered it in passing NO attachment therapist would dream of working with the child alone for a multitude of reasons. Jeffw story needs to be read and reread as he is spot on.

An attachment therapist would never see the child without the parent in the room. The purpose of attachment therapy to create attachment between the child and the parent. How can that happen if you are not in the room????

I saw therapits who claimed to be "trained in attachment and RAD", but who weren't. The "trained" can mean they just read an article about it. It does not mean that they have experience or know what they are doing! Bad therapy is worse than no therapy in my opinion. (not that I am an expert) My son got worse with bad therapy, he was really doing well for most of the school year. Summer is a whole other issues though for us! LOL