My birthmother has found me again...what on earth do I do now.

July 11, 2009

I should have known this was going to happen. My half sister who I am in occasional contact with (she's 28) called me today to tell me that our mother ( my birthmother) wants me to call her.

For the record I've met my birthmother a few times in person, and there was a time in my life a few years back when we communicated often by phone. She then stopped calling without warning. I did not suffer too much, as I knew what to expect from her.

My birthmother is a lovely women, really she is. But she is bipolar, and is currently suffering from severe depression( according to my sister.) She is famous for attaching herself for a while, and then disappearing. She does not have a consistent or especially healthy relationship with any of her children. She has had substance abuse problems , and nothing indicates to me that she has ceased her use of drugs and alcohol.

She is very nice, and I know she would never hurt me intentionally, and though I feel prepared , I wonder if this is just too much for me. I have no idea why she has such sudden interest in me,as we haven't spoken in 3 years. I suspect it is because I am one of the last of her children to still treat her with respect. Some ignore her, some are prohibited from seeing her, while others dislike her and avoid her and are plain cruel to her. And of course I believe my half sister must have mentioned that she spoke to me, and my birthmother would like to speak to me as well.

I have nothing against her- and I would feel bad rejecting her because she doesn't deserve a lot of the crap that life has put her through. At the same time, I almost feel as if I can't be bothered. Isn't that awful? I am FINALLY at a place in my life where I have succeeded in juggling my birthfamily and adoptive family and school and social life. I am finally comfortable, and I am reluctant to engage with my birthmother and throw everything into a topsy turvy again.

For what it's worth- I can pretty much guarantee that no one in my family and not one of my friends will be in favor of this- as my birthmother is not always a stable person.

But how can I say no and feel as if I have not rejected her?

ripples

July 11, 2009

Amandak249

For what it's worth- I can pretty much guarantee that no one in my family and not one of my friends will be in favor of this- as my birthmother is not always a stable person.

But how can I say no and feel as if I have not rejected her?

I, too, struggled with a similar dilemma - although my birthfamily dynamics were of a different nature but still have a lot of dysfunction. Your question about saying no, yet not rejecting your birthmother. For myself, after a lot of struggles over my sense of 'survivor guilt' towards my birth family, my irrational desire to somehow 'rescue' them and compensate for all their misery, I decided in the end that I did not want this in my life and that it was futile, if not harmful, for me to even continue trying.

To help me come to terms with this dilemma, I asked myself if I had similarly dysfunctional relations within distant relations in my adoptive family (eg. distant cousins, etc, whereby I experienced nothing but grief and pain, would I go to similar lengths and I decided no. I realized that the only reason I was trying to continue relations with my birthfamily was out of guilt since we have virtually nothing in common. I realized that I was irrationally taking onboard personal responsibility for their lives and past.

I liken this dilemma of saying 'no' to the general hardships and struggles of ending a relationship (eg. with a boyfriend or a spouse, etc; - only adoption-related relationships can be so much more difficult to sift through.

All I can suggest is that you explore your own reasons and emotions regarding your relationship with your birthmother. I know it's extremely difficult to make that decision about whether or not to let go, and why, but only you can know in your heart what is best for you.

I hope that this information helps.