The end of the road....and it's a dead end

I so hear you! While I did find my birth family, there is still that deep inner void within me, a sense of deep loss on so many levels. It is very hard to come to terms with all of this and it has been very helpful hearing from other adoptees and birthparents about the struggles that they face too - I feel less alone in my inner struggle. I had read one of Evelyn Burns Robinson's articles about disenfranchised grief (she's the author of Adoption and Loss: The Hidden Grief and is a birthmother). She had noted that many birthmothers experience a kind of grief that intensifies over time due to their grief and loss not being validated, acknowledged or understood by others - and I believe that a lot of what she wrote about also applies to me as an adoptee. The void and struggles that you speak of are very real and many other adoptees have written about their experiences. The challenge in coming to terms with it is somehow accepting it, feeling the pain when it washes over and consumes me and yet not letting it debilitate or overwhelm me. Easier said than done sometimes.

ripples....the answer to your quesion in regards to adoptee feelings...is yes....after searching for 45 years, I know there will never be closure. There are still feelings of grief and loss....a feeling of being an "outsider"...feelings of being "different" from other people....not "better"...not "unique"...only "different."Time has a way of helping to dull the sharp boundaries and pieces of our story. There is almost a relief at ending a search because once a search has ended, hopefully, there can't be any more surprises.To me, the best part of living through the history of my adoption is that closure wont be through any type of re-union. No roller coaster. No sifting through relationships and attempting to "fit in." The peace that time promotes, helps to overcome the triggers and flashbacks. All adoptee stories may not have a happy ending, but the care taking adoptees have learned to do for themselves will see them through. Each time adoptees remember all the hurtful parts of their adoption story and admit those feelings are painful, there is healing. We can all heal, we just cant measure it.I wish you the best.

I believe there are many of us of all ages that can relate to your feelings. I am a korean american adoptee..adopted at age 7 years old. I had and still carry feelings of displacement, loss, and abandoment in my heart. I believe I have come a long way but it is not always an easy road. It is good that you are sharing and connecting with so many others. I recently created a Blog to do just that. I hope we can meet there and talk! It is [url=http://homeiswithin.blogspot.com]Korean American Adoptee Home Is Within[/url] from KyungMee

kyungeemee...being adopted is hard...adoption is a life long sentence as well as a deep emotional experience. Even if there were a reunion, there would be parts of your adoption and struggle that would remain.It will be harder for you because you are from a foreign country and you will remember. There will be several adjustments to make because you are living in a country that is not your own. When all of those things are coupled to adoption, it does make it hard.Hopefully, you will come to the chatroom and talk with the group that comes in every nite. They are good people and they will share your concerns and try to help. Everyone is welcome....come join us.I wish you the best.

I'm in the process of searching for my birth mother and it's hard when my adoption was a closed adoption because my birth name and my birth mothers name is all sealed and where she lives and her address and everything.

JenOli...its easy to relate to all you shared.I will share a few of the hi-lights of my own adoption experience.My adoption was in a different era. It was not only a secret era in regards to the adoption, but also a sordid transaction involving first the money and then the adoption. There were few child protection laws.It was an era when children were given to adults because they could afford them and to make up for the adults not being able to have their own biological children. No where was it a requirement that there would be love, kindness or concern for the lives of those children. There was a black hole in terms of what happened when the child grew up.I was in fact, sold into adoption through a black market hospital, posing as a legitimate home for unwed mothers.Looking back now over what has become a part of my own history, it has truly been an "Orphan Voyage." In the beginning there was a black market adoption at 5 months. Then the death of a 1st a-mom at age 3. Over nite, my a-dad became a single parent to a child he didn't want and there was abandonment. At 5 my a-dad married his 2nd wife. She had little use for a ready made family....she preferred bio children. I hoped for candy, cake, and pie...someone to read bedtime stories and care for me.Instead I became not only an outsider. but also tainted, and suspect...I had no value or merit. What happened didn't matter.Almost daily, there was every form of abuse. The abuse my 2nd a-mom could not do herself, she left to others. My a-dad continued to abandon me. As a result, I was trapped. There was no one to help.At 18, I aged out of that family. I was on my own. It was up to me to choose not only a pathway, but find the resources to make it work.I worked to pay for schooling as I could afford it. It took a long time. In the end I was able to get a scholarship, but even that required a work schedule.Altho I was associated with my adopted family for a long time, I was never allowed to be a family member. After 30 years of attempting to help them, I gave up.I called them together and told them I was leaving. There would be no return. I would use the name they had given me, but nothing else....if they cared, they said nothing.Later I would think, " I did not ask for the life I was given, but it was given nonetheless. And with it, I did my best."It has been a long time since there were any requests for help. The "forever family" that for so long was a part of my dream, never happened.The question I often ask deep in my soul is ongoing....does "forever family" really matter?The answer, yes.....to me it does.I wish you the best.

Dear Kaila Good luck with your search. Although I have my mother's name it has been of little help. It's hard accepting that she just never wants to be found. Best wishes JenOli

Dear Drywall Thank you for sharing your life story. It really is a reality check. I admire your courage and strength, I feel positively weak in comparison to you. "Forever family" does mean everything, it should be the core of every person upon which the building blocks and life experiences are built upon, however when you never receive this it's a struggle to move forward. Thanks for replying to my post, I havent checked it in a while as I have been so depressed of late I was just trying to drag myself out of a rut. Have made myself contact an old friend and started a pilates class and it's helped a little. Not that I ever discuss adoption with anyone at all. On another note it was father's day last weekend here in Australia so I felt guilty and went to give my adopted father a gift at his home. Didn't even get in the door....he had one hand on the door and the other on the doorframe barring the way. Not invited in and told "you shouldn't have bothered". Stood there for a while trying to make small talk hoping to get invited in for a coffee....but alas not even that. Havent seen or talked to him in 6 months and that was it "don't bother". Why do I do this to myself? Hope you have a nice day. JenOli

Hi Jen...your post brings up feelings that many of us share with you.I was a black market adoption and additionally, there had been a child in that a-family that died just months before I was born. I was a replacement... "not the heir, just the spare."In that a-family I was 2nd class. There were many scenes that unfolded daily. Abuse, abandonment and a need to meet adult standards was a requirement. My status was that of an outsider...someone living in a family, but never allowed to gain family acceptance.Love was conditional and related to mood swings from my a-mom. My a-dad had no use for me and ignored me every chance he got.From around 5-13, my adoption status was important because it underscored my feelings of being an outsider...not only to family, but my peers as well. The sense of loss was ongoing because my peers had parents who loved them, and they had family ties. Those 2 things I wanted and couldn't have.Later, we moved away from that community. No one outside my family knew anything. The adoption concerns became less, but the grief, loss and being incomplete, remained.Adoption is a life long sentence from which it appears few recover. The chapters of our lives that have already unfolded, we cant change. Those events are cast in stone. Reality for us will be our efforts to fit the pieces of our story together in a meaningful way... for us, "forever" is not an option.Healing occurs as we gain experience in living...there seems to a gradual settling and an extension of peace. There is acceptance of the limits of our hopes. If we look back over the events that took place, visits to those areas seem to come less and less. We begin to believe the familiarity with all the parts of our story and it's limitations.The options we have may not be perfect, but they are all we have. I wish you the best.