Question to Adoptees

Rylee, I found out that my mother had married and had children in my early twenties and it made me want to find her to meet her and my siblings... I would guess that her comment about you not loving her stems from many such comments or variations of such comments over the years from her parents. Kind regards,Dickons

I don't know if my bmom had others or not, but I always hoped so. I thought it would be great to have bio sibs, even if they weren't full! Rylee, I think your daughter has issues and very few of them are actually with you. She knows you are in pain, and seems to get great satisfaction from watching you beat yourself up of this. If she were any other family member, a friend, or even a stranger on the street I hope you wouldn't put up with this, and you shouldn't with her. You didn't do anything except try to do what you thought was right at the time. After that, it was out of your hands, and her parents are squarely to blame, and at her age, so is she. Please find a way to forgive yourself although I don't think you have anything to be forgiven for.

You're probably right about my daughter but I still feel really bad she would have ever had that kind of thinking and just wonder if she's one of the few or odd ones who are jealous of other siblings. While my kids that I raised grew up I always told them about my daughter and they looked forward to seeing her someday. They always knew they had another sister out there. When my daughter met our family, she did everything she could to destroy us. She got my youngest drinking and taking drugs and running away from home. She got in bed with my other daughter's boyfriend and did her best to destroy all of her relationships with her friends. She did so many horrible things while she stayed in our home. I had to send her back home where she lived before we met. I just couldn't take it anymore and I made her leave. We stayed in contact and she ended up coming back one day after she was married. Her adoptive mom couldn't handle our having any type relationship. She still can't and she does give my daughter ultimatums telling her she'll take her out of her will if she contacts me. It's horrible. I hate it. My daughter did tell me one day after we'd met and she and I had known each other for a longer time that she had hated me and hated our family and had plotted for years what she'd do when/if she ever met us because she didnt' think we should be happy since she wasn't. I don't know if she said it to get a reaction or if she really did do all that because she'd planned it. I love my daughter so much I just wish she believed me and she would stop listening to everything everyone else tells her on her adoptive family side. Rylee

Rylee, I'm an adoptee, 10 years in reunion, and hopefully I can give you some sort of insight. My birthmother has 9 children in total. Only 3 of us were placed for adoption, some were kept, and other's were taken into foster care. She is not capable, really, of mothering any child- and I know this logically. But does the fact that I was adopted while the sibling born directly after me was kept sting? You bet it does. Sometimes I get upset over this. I have a WONDERFUL life, and in my particulare situation my adoption really was the best thing. I see the lives of my siblings who were "kept" and I see the stark differences. They have rough lives- tainted by addiction and bipolar and depression and poverty and neglect. I am close to and love my family dearly- and harbor no legitimate bad feelings towards my birthparents for having given me up 99% of the time. I love my life. However sometimes it really does hurt. I FEEL abandoned, not good enough, thrown out, unwanted, etc. Even though I know that none of these feelings are rational, and I know that none of those feelings represent the truth of the situation in any shape or form-I can't help but feel them. Mostly I am grateful, sometimes I feel hurt. The fact that your daughter feels comfortable enough to share these feelings with you ( provided she does so without malice!) says a lot to me about how she feels about you. I have known my birthparents for many many years and I still can't bring myself to really truly admit to them how I sometimes feel. I don't want to cause any pain- the past is the past and where can we move but forward? You say that your daughter does not listen to the truth- that must be SO frustrating. I know the feeling and it's one of the worst out there. But just because she KNOWS logically that she was never unwanted, never unloved- logic does not always go hand in hand with emotion. Sometimes it's hard to seperate the two- sometimes it's hard to connect the two! I know, logically, that my occasional feelings of abandonment, anger, etc have NOTHING to do with my birthparents actualy intentions and have no bear in reality- but feelings are irrational and often difficult to control, in my opinion. I doubt you'll ever be able to convince your daughter. Something has to be awakened inside of HER before she can understand the truth. One day, with time, I believe and I hope she can see the situation for what it was- but it's hard to understand the truth when our own strong feelings bind us. Dear God In Heaven YES!!!!!!!!!!! I second everything said here. Every word.