Question for Birthmoms

I am not sure that I would really wonder about whether you had shared contacting me, as a bmom, with your amom if you approached me as an independent, self-assured individual. Your age would also play a factor if/when I would inquire about that. I am also a reunited adoptee and both bparents asked me about my aparents and how they felt about me contacting them. I had already shared the information with my aparents about contact, but that was my choice to share it right away and not wait. I know of adoptees that have not shared contact with bparents with their aparents for several years for various reasons. As far as how I would like to be contacted, I not sure that it would make that big of a difference whether I received a letter through the agency or through the mail when I contacted my bparents. I used a third party as you are thinking about with sending the letter through the agency. I don't personally view a letter as being "pushy" or intrusive and what is said is more important anyway. Good luck to you! I really hope this goes well for you!

I've known quite a few people who have made their initial contact through confidential intermediaries or an agency's postadoptions' unit. I think that's a respectful and probably less scary way to go, as long as it isn't too expensive. As far as not involving your mom at this time in your reunion plans, I think your birthmom will understand if you explain all that has happened in the past year or two. It sounds like you're trying to protect your mom during her time of grief and mourning. And with your brother moving away, it sounds like she's having to deal with a lot of changes in life. (I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Losing a parent is so very hard.) It would be a different situation, IMHO, if you weren't telling your family about contact with your birthmom because you were afraid of their disapproval. As a birthmom, I might feel strange or uneasy about that. A lot of birthmoms feel disloyal to their grown children's aparents if they aren't on the same page as far as reunion goes, especially if the adoptee is in his late teens or ealy 20's. Just be honest and forthcoming to your birthmom if the question comes up. Explain it the same way you've explained it to us here on the forum, and I'm sure she'll understand. I really don't think you'll hurt her feelings. Good luck on your journey. It's a nerve-wracking one at times, that's for sure. Be sure to let us know what happens!

Hi, Kathy... First, let me give my condolences on your adad's passing, and I hope that your brother's journey brings him back home safely.I'd like to share with you a few things about my experience with first contact...I found my son's profile on this site in January 2007. Initially, my daughter (who I raised) posted a profile here for me in 2000, and my found son posted a response in 2005. Although this indicated that he was searching for me also, I felt I needed the assistance and support of an intermediary, so I asked my daughter to send him an email. I can't really speak for him, but I do think having an intermediary made it a bit easier for my son as well.About six weeks after our first contact, his adad passed away rather unexpectedly. Aside from this, my son wanted to take some time and establish our relationship before introducing me to his amom and asis. I was actually relieved by that, because I needed some time to work through some of my own issues. You are about three years older than my son, so you were also part of the closed era. You've been on the boards quite awhile, and have read many of our stories...so, you have an idea of how things may go. Although I am the one who "found" my son, and although he was also searching, we both agreed to stick with email until our first F2F, which happened about 7 months later. I was also relieved by that...I was afraid I'd have a heart attack if he called me.Knowing what I went through emotionally, if he found me instead and initiated the first contact, I think I would have been really okay with an intermediary contacting me first. I don't know that it would have made a difference if the intermediary was from the agency, was a family friend, or someone else. I say this because for most of us in the closed era, the idea of reunion was surreal, and I never thought it would happen for me.I suffered the effects of shock when I found my son...I barely left our house for three months. First contact was HUGE for me...but we took things slow, and we're doing just fine now. My metaphor for contact and reunion is like walking through fire...and I'm so glad that we both made it through the firewalk and found our way to the other side.Life is good now...and I remain in email contact with his amom and asis, and they remain in contact with my daughter as well...in fact, his amom and asis met my daughter and her son last fall. We see ourselves as an extended family, and I hope to meet amom and asis within the next year.Everybody's journey is different, but that's our story. May your journey be blessed...may you find what you seek. Take things slow...take your time with introductions to others...I think your nmom will be okay with having some time to establish your relationship first.Best wishes on your journey,Susan

Thank you all! I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I will get working on my letter, and proceed as planned. You're help mean a lot to me ! Thanks again!