Sibling of an adopted adult inquiry

In my opinion, you need to leave it alone and let her drive the search, if she even wants to. It's great that you're willing to help - but she hasn't asked for help yet - and if you do it without her, then you're just taking away her right to make whatever decision she wishes to make regarding searching. Leave it up to her - its one of the few 'choices' she has regarding adoption.

I have to strongly agree with what Brandy has said. Let this be up to your sister to decide. If she wants your help, that is one thing, and you can let her know you will be there for her if there is anything you can do, but it has to be her decision and her wishes. I'm curious as to why you have a longing to locate her birth parents, if you don't mind sharing. I would prefer the contact be made by my son and not his sibling. I would be most upset if the sibling made contact without my son's knowledge or consent or if this in any way went against his wishes. If he had his sibling make the contact out of fear of doing it himself, I would question his readiness, to be quite honest, but would understand more in that circumstance than if a sibling just went over his head and did this because he or she felt a need to know me. It would be very hurtful, too, if in all of this, my child really didn't want to connect or wasn't ready, and the sibling opened up a can of worms, so to speak. I would think it could damage the sibling relationship, too. Think of how you would feel if your sibling went over your head in this matter. It is deeply personal and something that adoptees have to come to terms with and decide upon for themselves.

Thank you for the input. As for why I have a longing to find her birth parents..... My sister is someone that I love very much. There are three of us siblings in the family. My brother and I are biological siblings. We are also very much a like both in looks and personality. My sister, however, regardless of growing up in the same household, has different attributes. While growing up these different attributes always made me think about where she got them from. I hope this makes sense. She verbalized her wonderment also and was never able to get an answer. By getting these questions answered, I think it would help her feel whole, something I would guess many people could relate to. By reading about adoption, it has been stressed that adoption affects the 'circle'. I am part of that circle. My sister is my sister, plain and simple. She is not referred to as my 'adopted' sister. I also read 'The Girls Who Went Away' which stemmed even more wonderment and empathy. They had a wonderful child and I would hate to think that they would never be able to show each other that. Even though I am not biologically connected to the people who gave my sister life, I love her dearly, and, because of that am intrigued to know more about them. Maybe in their eyes, since I am their child's sibling, they may be interested in her family members as well. Maybe it is uncommon for a sibling to want to know more. Maybe I am way off......

I have to agree with Brandy and JustPeachy. I would be furious if my brother went and searched before I asked just because he was curious. EZ

I understand this, as I am not biologically connected to my son's sibling, and yet I feel a connection to her as my son's sister. I would love to know more about her. But I believe it would be inappropriate for me to seek her out. I feel that is my son's decision if he wants me to know her. Does she not feel whole?? Has she told you this??? It could help her feel whole, possibly, but it's not up to you to control or decide when and how this happens. Only she can determine if seeking out her birth family and getting questions answered will potentially make her feel whole. There are no guarantees in any of this, keep in mind. Quite possible, as from my experience, I am very interested in my son's family members. I would love to someday meet all of them! But for me, it would have to be at my son's request, not his sibling's. To me, it is just crossing a line for you to take charge of this. Have you discussed this with your sister? Have you mentioned that you think it might make her feel whole to know her birth family, and that you, too, have an interest in meeting them?? What is her response to this? I really think you should honor your sister's feelings and her timing. She is a grown woman (I assume) and needs to make this decision for herself, no matter how strongly you feel about wanting to know her birth family. I wouldn't pressure her, no matter how much your curiosity gets to you. It's really her issue to take charge of when and if she is ready and if she truly desires this. I went back and re-read your original post and was wondering...when you say "get the ball rolling without her actively beginning the process" are you saying you would do this behind her back without her knowledge, do the searching, and initiate the contact?? Or is it something you two have discussed and she wants you to start the search for her, but she will take up the reigns once you have the ball rolling?? I'm just confused as to what your actual intent is. If it's the former, I have to say, please reconsider. If the latter, I don't see that as such an issue. But I have to say, if I was the adoptee and you did a search and contacted my birth parents without my knowledge, I would be very upset.

Your comments are exactly what I have been looking for. Thank you. The idea of initiating a search was more an idea than an actual plan....just to clarify.I agree with everything that has been said. These posts have made it clear that she and I should engage in some conversations (without any pushing on my part) and that any action should be dictated by her. I just hope that someday she is ready to reach out. It could be hard, or, hopefully, a wonderful experience.Any insight into how I could re-breach the topic with her?

The truth is some adoptees never ever have that strong pull to search or know. Such was the case with my abrother and myself. I was forced to search a few years back and when I called for my non id the social worker asked if my brother would also like his(different bios than me) I asked him and he said "for what, I have no plans to search, I have a family" Then when I asked him a few years later he told me that he had information that aparents gave him and he would have searched if he had any desire but he don't. This could be the case with your asister. Also you must take into consideration that if you did seek these people out and they did not welcome the fact that you contacted the, what then if later down teh road your sister does deside to search? I am of the belief that contact should be made directly by the adoptee or bparent, no middleman. I realize that sometimes that phone might feel like it weighs a million pounds because the adoptee is scared to call but, this way always works best. EZ