How much is too much?

My soon-to-be adopted son has visits with his first-mom, her mom and step-dad 3 times a year. We don't live all that far apart, but imo that is enough for now. You might try to explain to everyone that you would love to be able to see them more often, but circumstances don't permit it 'at this time'. Another way to keep communication open with them would be monthly or bi-monthly email updates with pictures 3 or 4 times a year. There could also be a couple face 2 face visits a year. Especially with B & C's first family, I would let them know that you need time to bond as a family and that, while you appreciate that they want to stay involved it is not in the best interests of the children at this time.

My kids see their bmom and her parents twice a year. They see my dad once a year. They see my mom every two years. They see my dh's parents once a year. I see my granddaughter twice a month.

Weekly visits at 1.5 hours each way? That's just not feasible with kids and all the schedules!Unfortunately it means coming up with a visit plan that works for YOU and the kids and dealing with their emotions on it. Nonetheless, the priority of your children and your immediate family comes first and everyone is going to have to deal and adjust to that boundary. Hard rock...

I agree - that is a lot!!! I think that weekly is too much - I'd even have a tough time with monthly!! Could you also tell them that may you'd consider using them for something like babysitting sometime....? You need your own time to bond..... Mega

The babysitting thing has been a BIG issue with C and B's grandma. She offers constantly and seems very offended that we haven't taken her up on it. My DH donated a kidney a couple weeks ago and the kids stayed with his sister who lives right by the grandparents. They were very upset that we didn't have them keep the kids instead. Here is my problem with babysitting. First, it has only be 7 months since the kids moved out of their house and they had been there almost 2 years. I think it would be confusing for them to be back there in their old room. Second, the grandma treats them like they are 2 and 3 instead of 5 and 6. She wipes their bottom, waits on them hand and foot and lets them boss her around. I am really afraid that they would come back home and revert back to pooping their pants and asking me to dress them. I don't mean to say that the grandparents aren't wonderful people. They took great care of the kids and certainly have their best interests at heart. I don't know when grandma will start treating them like the 1st graders that they are. Feel free to disagree with me if you think I am overanylizing. I need honest opinions. I have to say it would be great to have a break every once in a while, but at what price? Thanks everyone for your advice. It is good to know that other people agree we need time to bond. I wish we could just be casual about visits and call them when we are free, but I think we are going to have to set up some kind of schedule. Another problem we are having is that both sets of grandparents promise the kids things. Like, when we see you next time, we will bring your computers. Then, the kids drive us crazy about when the next visit is because they want their computers. I want them to ask for a visit because they want to see their grandparents and brother, not for a gift. I am sure you have all had this happen as well. :arrow: I want them to be able to be grandparents and give gifts, etc but geese, do you have to bring something EVERY time! Thanks, Julie

We have four visits a year with birthMom and I have a hard time with that because we have a life and it's busy and it's hard to fit it all in. I would say that you should definitely talk with the grandparents about the gift thing. It's ok to have the kids see them, but let them know that gifts can be brought for holidays and birthdays, but not every single time they see them. You can decide what is acceptable for you and let them know. I think them promising the kids things is not a good idea at all. It seems like they are trying to buy the kids into remembering them and making sure the kids will want to see them. All the folks who don't want to visit the kids while other folks are there would just have to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. I would set up a special day or event for them to all come and see the kids and if they choose not to come, so sorry for them. They are the adults. Grow the H E double L up.

You know, that is a very good idea to set something up and then invite everyone. I think we could handle doing that 4 times a year. I DO want the kids to see their birth family, especially their big brother who is the only reason they survived their early childhood! BTW DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS FOR VISIT LOCATIONS? The park is great most of the year but it's soooo hot here in the summer. :thanks: Julie

We meet in a play area at one of the local malls. This will work for another year or two and then my son will be too big. At that time, I think I will change it to a local pizza place. The birth family has to call me to set up the visit or they don't get one. When they call I always set it up for 2 weeks later, on a day that is convenient for me.

We normally meet at Burger King from 2-5 pm on a weekday. Normally we are the only ones in the play area at that time.

One of my sons lived off and on with his grandparents until we adopted him. They could not handle him full time but loved him dearly. I did let him visit them and I did let him spend nights with them and he was never confused. I was mom, they were grandma and grandpa. I think it was good for him and helped him trust me more. Once a week is too much but maybe once a month even if it is an invite for them to come watch the kids play baseball or something.

They were coming to all of the t ball games and that was fine. Now t-ball is over but they are still wanting weekly visits. Did your son regress when he was with the grandparents? I don't think I can handle going back to my 5 1/2 yr old daughter refusing to put her clothes on and my 6 1/2 year old DS telling me I need to come wipe his butt! Grandma sees no problem with these things. (I think it is very unhealthy and teaches helplessness instead of independance) Will an overnighter cause them to regress?

They might regress some but over time that should lesson. Besides, just because they act like they cannot do things when they come back doesn't mean you have to do things for them. I think the kids need to see that people in their lives don't just disappear. I also think it's important for grandparents to get to be grandparents if they are healthy enough to do so.