new and needing advice/support

:cheer: Congrats! Now the fun begins. Well at least a roller coaster ride if you're like most adoptees in a reunion. The rules that I believe are the most important are be honest, be open, and above all take things slow. It is real easy to be swept away in everything. How have your adopted parents treated your adoption? My adopted mom would only suffer through my questions for a short time before I'd get the "You're here now and that's all that should matter" lecture. Some adopted parents realize early on that their adopted child may want to find their birth parents and are ok with that. Some treat the adoption like a dark family secret. So telling them or not is your call to make. They will be bound to be taken aback and hurt a bit but it is not their past that is missing. A lot of us adoptees want to find that biological link where we can look at a picture of a biological grandparent or great uncle and see a resemblance. You are now in the position where the decisions of how things progress are made by YOU and no agency or other person. You have the control. It is not really about control but none of us had any say in much that happened with our adoption. As to when to meet your birth mother. Again that is your call. There is no set formula to determine when the time is right. Does she live near you? A state away, Across the country? Those of course are all determining factors. How do you get along with her in your e-mails? Often both sides hold back for fear of getting swept away in the moment. Does her family know about you? How do her daughters feel? Do you share the same father as any of the daughters? Those are just some of the multitude of questions that arise and help to build up a relationship. Lastly, do you want a relationship with her or just to satisfy your curiosity? If she lives close then I don't think that there's anything wrong with meeting at a park for lunch or for coffee. If travel is required then I believe that it is best to hold off for a bit since there is usually a forced time constraint (i.e. fly to California for 3 days and you are stuck there for 3 days) and sometimes it turns into being a tour guide. I would recommend that your first meeting be between the 2 of you and no one else. Adopted parents and spouses sometimes want to go along, but the fewer the better. Someone not directly involved can make an offhand comment or a simple facial expression that can put doubt and uncertainty into the mix. The two of you are essentially meeting a stranger. There is a biological bond that sometimes clicks right away but you are still strangers. Hope that helps some. Others will be sure to chime in and the regulars offer some very good advice. Best wishes and I hope that it goes great for you. John

1) If you are on good terms with your parents (A) I wouldn't keep something like this from them. Just my 2 bits, but My parents have been incredably supportive with both myself and my sister. 2) Meeting her is something that only you can know when is the right time, if ever. There are going to be days where it is the only thing you want to do, and days wehre it will scare the bajeezus out of you. You will have to decypher your true feelings from that. 3) isnt this the same as 2 or am I reading it wrong... LOL 4)Be calm... don't make decisions when your brain feels like oatmeal... be thankful... be cautious (ex-military... I can be kinda parinoid)... Enjoy the ride for whatever it may bring you... and if she is willing to submit for DNA I would recommend it, just to be on the safe side and for both of parties piece of mind. ... oh and jelly bellies are a great thing to snack on while talking... just throwing that out there :clap:

Congratulations and welcome. 1. How on earth do I tell my adoptive parents or do I even tell them? 2. How long should I wait to meet my Bmom or should I not meet her? 3. How long should I wait to meet her? 4. Any suggestions/advice on this situation..?? As an adoptee who recently reuinited I hope I can offer some insight here. Tell your adoptive parents. I shared with my parents immediately that day when I was reconnected with my bfamily. They were happy for me. If you have a good relationship with them, then let them share in your good news. Not telling them immediately puts up a wall between that I don't know you can ever tear down. My parents are really great about it, I do suspect they get apprehensive at times because I've developed a close relationship with my bmom, but the fact they are in the "loop" and I share some of the things we talk about, keeps us close. Definately meet her if she wants to meet you. I waited a month before I went to meet my bmom. We would chat on the phone every day and it helped to know her a bit before I went. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life had I not met her. Now she is a permanent part of my life. Wait as long or as little as you feel comfortable. My biggest hesitation was the effect it would have on my parents. Once that hurdle was crossed smoothly, I couldn't wait. Be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions. Members here were very helpful for that aspect. I was at first like "what rollercoaster?" and wham, you do indeed ride one. Even in a positive reunion. Just be prepared for emotions you can't quite figure out where they are coming from, and know that they are normal and that others have the same. Above all be honest with everyone involved, including yourself. I agree to go slowly, but in my particular situation it went rapidly but so far working out wonderfully. Enjoy the good feelings also. They are unlike anything you'll ever feel. Somedays I wake up and go WOW! Be aware of feelings, but enjoy them. The reunion has forever changed my life. I added to my family and didn't subtract from it. Good luck to you and please keep everyone posted!

Hey I was wondering if you could give an update. I am in the same boat right now, and wondering how it all went and how you dealt with the emotions of it...

It is your private business. Meet your mother and decide if the relationship will continue. If it turns out wonderful God bless. If it is not what you wanted you can report back to your parents that you have met your mother and the status of your relationship. The unknown is always scarier than the known. It is the truth. The decision should be yours and yours alone. Remember it is only the truth you are seeking. Nothing more. Adoptive parnets used to be told only the mentally unstable or poorly parented would seek out their birth families. The urge to search is not a loyality thing and you shoyuld never think that way.