How do you let go?

I think you're on your way Rylee. The thing is, that you would not tolerate this behavior from ANY other person on earth! I know she is the daughter that you carried and gave birth to BUT you did not raise her and she is developed into something else to you. You've tried. She knows that you're there. I'm sure that if she changes how she is, you can be there for her again. Rylee, really, this is not YOUR FAULT. Please try to accept that. Do what keeps you as healthy as possible.

Hi Rylee, I looked at some of your older posts to see if I could get some background before replying with my opinion, but I failed to notice how long you've been in reunion with your daughter. Walking away is very difficult, but it sounds as though she has some very serious anger issues toward you. That is HER problem and should get help with it. As to whether you should cease contact - I feel that any relationship should be based on respect. It's seems that your daughter doesn't have any for you. Rather than tell her you are done - and thus give her more 'ammunition' to be rude and abusive - I'd either just not contact her or reply to her contact when she bothers with you or I would write and tell her that her issues need to be resolved and sorted. Either she can talk to you in a civil manner about it all or she can talk to a professional. Either way I don't believe you should have to put up with her abuse - and that's the only way I can describe it. Does she have contact with your other children? If so how is her relationship with them? (in other words is it just YOU or does she act this way with them also) I don't know that I could cut off contact completely, but certainly couldn't allow things to continue the way they are either. Wish you luck! You're in a very difficult position.

Rylee, I'm glad you are taking a stand for yourself. You have nothing to feel guilty about. There are plenty of parents who have raised their children who have to cut off contact for the sake of the family due to abuse, drugs, mental illness. You have tried for years to make this work and she uses you as a punching bag. You didn't abandon her the first time, and you aren't this time either. She made this choice by her repeated actions. You are simply choosing to not play the game any longer. You can't let one word, adoption, excuse everything she has done. Get emotionally healthy, take care of your family, enjoy your other kids and life. If she chooses to get healthy, you can revisit the subject. In the end, you are setting a good example for her on how to treat others and responsibilities in relationships.

Thanks for the comments. I do appreciate them. As to the questions about my daughter. We've been in reunion for 12 years. We had a pretty good start but when the adoptive mom got her freeking nose into it and got jealous about our having a good relationship that's when things started getting bad. I won't go on about all the bad stuff but let's just say it's been a nightmere and something I can't deal with anymore. As for the relationship with the other family members go. She doesn't have one. They don't want it with her because of all the trouble she causes. They've been smart enough to let go a long time ago. Of course they didn't give birth to her and didn't go through a grieving thing over her so it wasn't as hard on them as it is on me. My kids absolutely don't want anything to do with her and they have even told me that I need to stop trying to talk to her because all she does is hurt me and they can't stand to see me crying all the time over what she's doing and not doing. They're all for "forgetting" her and say I should do that. But I can't forget. I am letting her go through. I can't take anymore of her crap. It's enough. Her birthfather and their family completely disapeared again after meeting her. They think she's a crazy person and don't want to deal with her either. She caused a lot of trouble for them too when she was here the first time. It's been 12 years since my daughter has seen her birth father or his side of the family. She's just been too much for anyone to deal with. I'm the only crazy person still hoping things will change between us and knowing they wont and having to finally let go like everyone else has long long ago. :( Rylee

Rylee -- I agree with other posters, you have to be treated with respect. You can't tolerate abuse. It'll just spiral into worse. What a difficult situation. Elaine

Hi Rylee: Sending you a big cyber hug. I wish I had an answer for you. I read a book a while back that you might be interested in. It's title is "It's So Hard To Love You". I can't remember who wrote it. This will make you giggle. My husband was going through a catalogue I get from the library for the blind. He comes into the bedroom, as I was seperating laundry, and says, "I found a book you need to read called, "It's so hard to love you"." Well, I wasn't expecting that, so my response was, "Are you trying to tell me something?" He thought it would help me with my Bdad, and was, thankfully, not refering to me. lol I got the book. It wasn't the best book on the subject of dealing with difficult people, I've ever read, but it was validation in a lot of areas relating to my relationship with my Bdad. One of the biggest things I got out of it was how I have a tendency to take responsibility for others feelings. I think you might find the book helpful and validating too. There was a section in the book with 26 questions that was to help determine just how difficult and troubled your loved one was. It's not like I didn't know my Bdad had issues, but, well, let's jjust say my Bdad scored very high in the difficult person area. For me, it was more a repeat of things I already knew but was having difficulty accepting. It was worth reading though. You have to set those boundries with your Bdaughter. You have to take care of you. I didn't end my relationship with my Bdad. I didn't tell him "no contact". I just set the boundaries I needed to set to keep my sanity. He can contact me anytime he wants. He chooses not to for whatever reasons he has. Set your boundaries, Rylee and let your Bdaughter choose how she wants to deal with it. If she chooses (note I said chooses) to say you abandoned her, that is her choice. You know better. What more can you do? I'm pretty sure my Bdad has blamed me for everything. I can't help that. I can't stop him from blaming me. I can't make him see his responsibility in all this. I can't make him be who I want him to be. I know what I'm telling you is a hard thing to hear, and I know it hurts. You are not abandoning her by setting boundaries. You are asking her to respect you. You deserve to be respected. I would love to have my BDad as a part of my life, and be a part of his, just as you want your BDaughter in your life. There are certain things that just are not O.K., lies, playing games, manipulation,etc. It's not about adoption issues anymore. It's about respect and consideration. I love my Bdad, just as you love your Bdaughter. It truly breaks my heart that things are as they are. I cry about it a lot, but Rylee, what else can either of us do that we haven't already done? I'm not telling you to end your relationship, just set those boundaries. You know I'm here for you, and I care. Another big hug coming at you. Do what you gotta do, girl. Do it for you.