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I'm just wondering if I'm the only one who ever worries about this.
Do you ever wonder if your birthchild you're reunited with is actually YOUR child?
I think about this all the time and wonder if my daughter really is my daughter or if my real child is still out there somewhere looking for me.
My daughter looks like me and all that stuff but the way she acts and the things she does and the way she treats me just seems it can't possibly be MY daughter doing those horrible things. :(
I'm sure I'm just WISHING she wasn't my daughter because of the way she treats me but I do wonder and I've even thought about doing a DNA testing thing but can't afford it and well... why bother it won't change anything if she really is my daughter she'll still be the rude, self centered, selfish, inconsiderate (among many other things) person that she is.
I just wish I understood how she could be this way and how she could just choose not to contact me or respond to my IM's or emails and not have the least bit of guilt over any of the things she does.
How can a person tell you one minute that you're important to them and they want you in their life and you "mean the world to them" and then the next just act like you're nothing and nobody and the LEAST important person alive? :hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
I am trying so hard to just let this go and "accept" that she's a damaged person who had no conscience and no love in her at all but it's hard for me to deal with that thought.
The thought that I could have produced such a person from my body who could be so uncaring and unloving and unconcerned about my feelings just doesn't hit me right as someone being MY child.
My other children are not perfect and they don't always care how I feel about something but they are not the kind of person my daughter is. They don't ignore me, they don't treat me like I don't count and they don't stay away for long periods of time without letting me know where they are or how they're doing. My other children do things all the time to show me they love me. I try to show them the same back and I know they know that I love them.
My daughter on the other hand couldn't care less about anything I do to show her that I love her. She just shines it all off as if some stranger doing something she can just ignore. :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
Anyway.................
Sorry for the ranting and raving. I am just so angry right now I can't stand it and I am really beginning to think seriously that that person who claims to be my daughter really ISN'T my daughter. HOW could she be???:hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy: :hissy:
Rylee
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Rylee -- I had a very interesting conversation with a birthmother over the last few days. She had picked up something I said on another website.
She asked me to love my birthmother unconditionally. It took me aback because I never considered that. My bmom has gone on NY news, in the Philadelphia papers, her husband has testified in front of the NJ Senate and wrote horrible things about me in a public newspaper -- about how I was a predator and my father was a rapist. She got a lawyer to go after me. -- and, I've never met the woman.
The birthmother said to 'love her anyway'. It's been a day since I've had this conversation and my brain is still trying to process it. Loving my bmom unconditionally after everything she has put me through and to love her anyway...
I think it's easier to love an enemy. But no one has told me to love my bmom unconditionally. I've never met her and our only conversation was thru a lawyer. She has caused me public pain is still fighting the fight that I not access my birth certificate, even though I know all my info already.
But, I think I'm going to try to love her unconditionally. I don't know if I'm up to it, but I'm going to try. Wanna try loving your bdaughter unconditionally? It's certainly not easy, but this bmom told me it was worth a try. -- Elaine
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I try to look at it this way, there are families who grew up together who have kids who are brats who treat their families like crap. Likewise, there are some women who gave birth to their kids and treat their kids like crap. Just bc two people are biologically related doesn't mean they will automatically treat one another with the love and respect that they're due.
Rylee-Wow, can I relate to your post. I do know, without a doubt, that my son is really my son but I just had this exact conversation with my husband the other day. Adoption affects everyone differently, and my son acts just like your bdaughter-indifferent to me. I have come to realize that the relationship we have is one of him using me and coming to me when his life is in turmoil. Otherwise, when things are good, he completely ignores me and literally acts like I don't exist. I have said, here on other posts, that my other 2 children would never treat me like he does. I would also never accept them treating me like he does. Also, I do not believe he loves me unconditionally, I believe he puts all sorts of conditions on his love for me. He sets me up for failure and I allow it-out of guilt? out of self-loathing? I'm not sure...I do find it interesting that all I have thought of was him loving ME unconditionally when I have put some conditions on loving him-mainly telling him that if he got back together with his wife I would NEVER talk to her ever. Well they are now back together and he has cut me off 100%. I am going to try to be a better person and try to love him unconditionally, and hopefully he will contact me again someday..
I do love my daughter unconditionally. I just can't deal with the pain she causes me by ignoring me or saying things that hurt me or doing things that hurt me. She feels no remorse whatsoever and it's just so stressful to me to deal with.
I will ALWAYS love her. I have always loved her. There's a saying that I use a lot when I'm upset with my other children or my husband. It goes like this:
"I love you but I don't like what you're doing"
I've been told you can love someone but not want to deal with the pain they cause or other things they do but it doesn't mean you don't love them if you walk away.
Also for forgiveness, I've had a hard time with that one. I've been trying to forgive everyone involved with this and it's starting to get to me.
I've been told I don't have to communicate with someone or accept their behavior or what they've done and start being "buddies" with them just because I forgive. But forgiving means to let it go and let God take care of it and if you can associate with them fine, but it's not necessary in the scheme of things to be "friends" just becuase you forgive.
I do know that forgiving someone helps you move on and not stress about them and it helps you deal with life better. I've forgiven a few people in my life that has lifted a great burdon off my shoulder to do but this situation with my daughter is driving me crazy.
Elaine I'm so sorry your birthmom has done all the stuff she's done to you. I hope someday you will find peace in it. I just don't understand how a mother can do that to her child. The child didn't cause the problem. The result of the rape isn't the child's fault. It just happened and a child was produced.
I realize it's a "reminder" for her to have to see your face and relive the experience in her mind but it's not your fault that she was raped. I wish she could separate that from the horrible thing that happened to her.
lovemy6 you're right about families and how the children can turn out no matter who raised them. I just guess sometimes I just don't get why this is happening and why she hates me so much. I didn't give her up because I wanted to. I was forced and yet I don't think she believes it. Her adoptive mom has succeeded in turning her against me. I just don't get it. :(
LasVegasMom, I'm sorry you're going through the stuff you are too. You definitely are going through the same kind of thing I am. I'm sorry that your son is ignoring you now like he is too. I KNOW how much that hurts.
Rylee
Rylee -- I'm sure that you have it posted somewhere, but how long have you been in reunion with your daughter?
I'm not sure if people mellow as they age or get 'set in their ways'. I guess it could be either. I hope that your daughter finds peace and starts treating you with more respect. I think sometimes people who don't treat other people with respect, sadly don't treat themselves well either.
I hope you are doing okay. -- Elaine
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