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I have some tough questions to deal with and could do with some guidance... a little background first
We have our two sons placed in a foster-to-adopt situation, both parents voluntarily signed TPR almost a year ago, the county waited to go to court until an adoptive family was found and court is now scheduled for 1 month away, the plan is to file the adoption paperwork right after that...
The boys had been out of touch with birth family for almost a year as the previous foster family felt they would not bond with continued contact. We disagree, our sons were 11 and 9 when they were removed from their family and they actually had a very good relationship with Dad, he made mistakes, but he genuinly tried to be the best parent he could (IMO), between the kids medical issues and his own it all became too much and he could not be the parent he needed to be but he tried. We made the decision to re-establish contact, initially it was done via therapy and we now allow bi-weekly phone calls with Dad, a paternal Aunt and maternal Grandpa and are planning a visit with Grandpa soon... the boys are taking it all very well and the sw etc keep commenting that they seem far more settled here then they ever have before...my older son just started calling me Mom (only in the evening and out of ear shot of anyone, but it's a start) which he has never done with his previous foster Moms and I think it is very much related to him feeling that we support the idea of having both your birth family and your adoptive family...
So now for the tough questions. While Dad is appropriate and we encouraged a relationship with him, Mom is not, and we do not and will never encourage a relationship with her. My older son announced this weekend that he wants to write her a letter, he wants to tell her that sometimes he still thinks of her (which took a lot for him to admit) and that he misses the Mom he has when he was little. He also wants to ask her Why?
The sw said she is happy to send the letter but expects Mom will either not answer at all or will send a bunch of lies...but is supportive of him sending the letter as she feels it is something he needs to do...
She did say she wants me to prepare him between now and then for the fact he may get no response and even if he does not the one he wants. So how exactly do I do that? When we talk about all this he is full of questions of, well if my Mom loved me how could she choose to stop seeing me, why would she choose to drink instead of be a Mom etc etc...and then it stirs up a whole bunch of , well if she could leave me, what says you won't, i want you to be my Mom but I am scared you will leave too etc... (he is an amazingly self aware kid)
The advantage I do have is he is willing to talk about it, he wants to write the letter with me (him talking, me writing), but I will admit I am lost as to how to handle all this...
Sorry for the super long post, any thoughts would be much appreciated...
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My daughter had a period of time when she wanted to send a letter to her birthmom and ask why. Her counselor told me to tell her that is something she will need to do when she gets older. She was about 9 at the time and the counselor, who knew the birthmom, told my daughter the same thing your SW said. She said that she makes excuses and won't take responsibility. She said that if this is something my daughter wants to pursue she needs to be older and more mature to handle either the rejection or possibly confusing lies. For my husband and I to be the ones in control of that now is the best way to handle it. We just told her that she could write the letter and when she is older we could mail it. THat her bmom isn't at a point now that we can have contact. She was in jail at that time so it was true.
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yep he is in therapy, but with a new therapist, only 4 visits so far and to be honest he spends most the therapy time fighting about having to go to therapy, and at 14 is old enough to make that decision for himself...
i told him that even if we do write it i do not intend to let the sw mail it for a few months at least, i feel he needs to settle here and to build a relationship with his therapist so he has support to deal with whatever this letter brings...
I think at 14 and having lived the life he has, he's old enough in more ways than average 14 year olds to make this decision to write the letter. He deserves an answer and needs that.Having said that, he needs to know that sometimes silence IS an answer and he might not find the answers he WANTS. And yes, of course this might create more hurt and anger, but imo, it'll be shorter term anger and hurt as opposed to a life time of hurt from wondering all the time. I'm willing to bet that there is a part of him taking responsibility of her lack of parenting and blaming himself for his life. That to me is a much harder load to carry than knowing the truth. The truth can hurt and yet the not knowing is more harmful, imo.I also think that deep down he KNOWS the truth and he is reaching out for help in getting it all out so he can move on with his life. It's perhaps a "goodbye" in some ways and while he might not be prepared for the emotions or the feelings of hurt he'll still experience if she doesn't reply, I think he wants to know that and is choosing to use you whom he does trust a bit to help him.I also think it's not really something you can prepare for as much as you pick up the pieces afterwards. Which is a huge reason to support this NOW when he's with you and has the care and comfort rather than when he's 18, 20, 25 and on his own. I think writing the letter together is going to be a huge step for your relationship with him. Asking you to help him with this is a sign of trust right there and you can use this "activity" to help him get it all out. I think that's the first step and I'd just take it from there.
I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but just a quick thought I had while reading your post.While my FS is 5 and not 14, its amazing how much he knows that he hasn't been told. His BioM has recently stopped coming to visits on a regular basis. She is doing poorly on her caseplan and has relapsed. While I haven't told him that, he seems to know and makes comments and actually asks a lot of the same questions you just listed about why his mom does certain things and wonders about me. Although he is young I've started to take this stuff as an opportunity to teach about addiction and how controlling it can be. Its not that his mom doesn't love him or want to be with him, and sometimes its not even that she chooses to drink over him, but that for some people the drugs and alcohol make them so sick that they can't make good choices anymore even when we want them to. I know thats really simplistic and I am dealing with a 5yo, but for him its helped a little and I wonder if it will help your 14yo to understand some of the root causes of why she can't be in his life and (its very possible you've already done this and this is of no help) help him understand that she may not even know why everything happened. With some of the things I've learned about my FS's bioM and her past, I've realized that she is in so much emotional pain that if I were in her shoes, I would maybe choose to drink myself crazy too, just to erase all those horrible memories. Unfortunately my FS is too young to understand that and I can't get that detailed into everything.What also helps my FS is that I don't drink alcohol. He is so repelled by anyone drinking it that I'm glad I don't. It helps him feel secure that I'm not going to make those same choices as his mom.Anyway, I don't know if that will help at all. When I read what you wrote it made me think of my own FS and how the simple answers I give him now may not be enough when he's 14 and older and really wants to understand, but hopefully he will get a foundation that will help him later.Anyway, good luck and I hope the therapist has soon good help too. Those are tough questions to answer no matter what age the child is that is asking.
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Slightly off thread but my own experience. My parents divorced when I was 2. My dad was (and still is) and alcoholic. Growing up there were many times when I didn't understand and blamed myself. It wasn't until I was finally able to write a letter and mail it then I was able to let go of all the hurt and blame. I knew I probably wouldn't get a response but that was ok--I needed to let him know how I felt and say goodbye. I was older (in my 20's) and, his silence was an answer, yet it did allow me to let go and move on.