Advertisements
Continuing the conversation from the thread Why Should We Be GratefulԔ:
While reading the post regarding expecting a good or bad reunion, I started thinking about my own reunions, and my expectations before hand. I began analyzing (I have way too much time on my hands today.) just exactly why I might have had the expectations I had going into reunion, because my expectations of my reunions with Bmom, Bdad, and all the other Bs, were all different.
I was 23 when I first had the opportunity to reunite with Bmom. I didnҒt search, hadnt even considered reunion or searching at that, particular, time in my life. I had been diagnosed with a hereditary eye disease, called Retinitus Pigmentosa, and the doctors wanted a medical history of my bio family. As a 23 year-old, I had better things to concern myself with, so I donҒt remember exactly what went down. All I remember is that all of a sudden I was going to the adoption agency, sitting down with a counselor for an hour, receiving my non ID, and being asked if I would like contact if my Bmom agreed to it.
The counselor from the agency was a reunited adoptee, and she painted a beautiful picture of reunion. Hers had apparently gone well. My Aparents never told me anything about my BPs. They didnҒt know anything, other than a little information on a sheet of paper that the agency gave them; eye color, height, etc. I think, I was like a lot of adoptees, and grew up thinking that my BPs were unable to keep me, but they loved me, probably wanted to keep me, or something similar. They certainly didnt give me up, because they ғdidnt wantҔ me. No, they loved me. They had to give me up because people, who were not married, couldnt keep children. Besides, what kind of mom, or dad,doesnҒt love their child? All parents love their children. Parents, who abandonӔ their children, are BadӔ, and my BPs were notӔ bad.
My Bps must have had some really good reason for placing me with the adoption agency. It wasnt their fault. Something forced them to do it. They certainly didnҒt wantӔ to give me up, because they loved me. I was their child. How could they not loveӔ me and thus give me away. They had just done what was best for me.
Back then there was not an Internet, with a website like this. No one ever mentioned books about adoptee or adoptee issues. Not to mention the fact that I was 23 and might very well have found myself in the position of possibly becoming and unwed motherӔ, myself. Who was I to judge?
When the counselor asked if I would agree to contact, I thought what the heck. Honestly, the thought that my Bmom might not be happy about being found never crossed my mine. What mother wouldnt want to be found by the child she loved so much she gave up, so the child could have a better life?
The search was on. It didnҒt take the counselor long to find my Bmom. I never lifted a finger in the search. Bmom agreed to contact, and was handed to me on a silver platter. I was so excited, and I wrote the first letter.
When after several months, I received no reply, understandably, I was angry and upset. Still the thought that she might rejectӔ me never crossed my mind. What mother wouldnt want to know her ғchild? No one ever talked to me about BmomԒs having issues. Because of what the counselor had told me, and what I had grown up believing about allӔ parents, I had no idea that my Bmom might not be exactly thrilled to be found. The first letter I received from her, six months after my letter to her, started with, and my foggy memory makes me paraphrase, but I wasnӒt sure I was going to respond..
Can you say big red flag? I couldnԒt. It still never crossed my mind that my Bmom might not be comfortable with reuniting. The core thought that I grew up believing that allӔ moms love", and "want", their children, wouldnӒt let me think otherwise. AS they say, the rest is 20 years now of history. Its still hard for me to accept my BmomҒs issues. Even though, logically, I know its not personally about me, that thought of ғall mothers ԓlove and wantӔ their children is still there, so why doesnt mine? IҒve accepted it, but Ill never ғunderstand it, and thatԒs O.K, even if it does stink.
Then there comes reunion with Bdad. After 16 years of being led to believe he was a jerk, Who took advantage of Bmom, left her holding the bag, denied I was his etc., it is certainly understandable as to why I waited 16 years after meeting Bmom to contact him.
Where as I fully expected Bmom to be thrilled to be found, I fully expected Bdad to hang up the phone as soon as I told him who I was. Imagine the blow to my already terrified of rejectionӔ brain when he responded to the other extreme. He was thrilled to be found. In that first letter my Bmom wrote to me, she wrote, Your birthfatherӒs story will be different from mine. Can you say red flag again? Apparently, red flag wasnԒt in my vocabulary. She wasnt kidding. Their stories were quite different.
There is really no need to go into why my reunion with Bdad failed, the moral of the story: I went into it expecting complete rejection from the start. I had already started writing the next letter, because I just knew he wasnҒt going to return that phone message. How did I know that? Bmom told me, not to mention, I think, because of
how my Adad was, well, men just didnt care about their children like women did. Children were a womanҒs responsibility. A mans responsibility was to ғprovide. I also had known of several guys, who had ԓran out on girls they got pregnant. Why wouldnԒt I expect to be rejected by my Bdad? Why wouldn't it cknock me completely off my rocker when he didn't reject me from the start but was thrilled?
In regards to my siblings, I was brought up to believe that family was, both, adopted and bio. Sometimes you were related by blood and sometimes not, and you loved both. The fact that everyone didnt think like that never crossed my mind. I had adoptive family members tell me things like, ғYou know, youre not really related to us., or once, in regarding my Abro, ғHes not your real brother.Ҕ Can you say red flag again? I couldnt, and I donҒt care. My siblings are my siblings whether adopted or biological. Its the same with other extended family. ThatҒs how I was raised to think. I dont know any other way.
My bMomҒs children were very young when we met. They were happy to find a bigӔ sister, and probably the only reason my reunion with Bmom survived 20 years. My Bsis and I are very close. She was my maid of honor when I married my husband. I am her Matron of Honor in her upcoming wedding. I think the fact that they were happy and things had gone so well, made it that much harder to understand when Bdads daughter showed little to no interest in a relationship with me.
I realize this is very long. I hope you can see how many things played a role in how my expectation of reunion formed. What IҒve explained here is, really, only a small part of it. There are also all those adoptee issues of the fantacy parent etc, but this would turn into a book if I talked about that. Now, in hindsight, I find it all so very interesting. At times, I felt like a fool, for not seeingӔ those read flagsӔ, and there I go again, blaming myself because Im just human. So, how about you guys? Can you look back now, and see how your own expectations about reunion might have formed?
Let's see where this goes.
Like
Share
My bmom was about 25 when she relinquished me. As a kid, not really knowing or understanding the specifics, I remember creating quite a fantasy about me and my mom (and our dog, who I was very close with). It was a very uninformed and idealistic view of a single mom. In my fantasies, I spent my time alone with my dog (who I would spoil with treats and love), but yet would somehow "feel" the unconditional love of my mother, and nothing else would matter.As I grew up, I mostly blocked these memories out, and I don't relate to them much today. I still wonder about her, but not in the same way. I think I'm afraid of a relationship at this point, though on some level I still want one. I'm not sure. This is an interesting thread about expectations, and now I'm not sure what I think!
Advertisements
Where do our expectations of reunion come from?
That's a big question which could lead me into typing for days!
I think I'll start here.
Where do our expectations of reunion come from?
Everything we are exposed to. TV, books, movies, others stories about their adoption related relationships, our own family life experience, people we know, comments made by aparents, family, friends, lawyers, politicians, teachers, doctors....
I think we take it all in and make up our own dream of the world to live in. We make agreements with our self, others and our world of how we are going to think about it all. Sometimes unwilling to waver from our last formed internal and/or external insights. We form opinions from what we've been exposed to and what thoughts and feelings, and hopes we have deep inside.
Everyone has their own dream of the world and how things work in it. What's fair/unfair/ important/ not as important, moral/immoral, wise/not so wise, right/wrong.
The way we see "life" is an illusion we are capable of altering... if we want to.
Shadow, I know what you mean about the red flags.
I've learned that those flags need my attention, cause they are signs of what could come.
I ignored, or didn't understand some of them, or it was just like I didn't hear them, didn't want to hear, didn't register, got left out of the puzzle. Just thought, it must not be what they really mean, it just came out wrong.
It's hard to see them, I had to let a lot of comments from everyone in my life slide, and did let them slide cause I know they didn't understand or really know what they are talking about/saying.
The little details can drive you nuts trying to figure other people out. It's wise to keep the big picture in sight so you don't get lost in it all. For me it took a lot of forgiveness and tons of attempting to understand where people are coming from. It's easy to take it all personally.
The best thing to do is ask questions straight out directly. And when you get an answer you didn't expect, sit with it a while and figure out where it came from.
Some people are better able to express themselves openly than others.
My fathers' brother is one who just comes out and says it. He has the best hugs, and just says stuff! outloud! I love seeing him. He's said everything to me that I wanted to hear, expected to hear, and he means it. What a gift he is to me. He has lost two sons, so he knows life is short and you'd better share your feelings with others while you have the chance.
My dad lost his eldest son, so he knows too, he's good at expressing his feelings outloud, but not as good as my uncle (Dad would say my uncle is too sappy LOL)
My brothers say stuff too, just not as well as my uncle or my Dad are able to, but I know they feel the same.
I tell them how I feel, and it's not always easy! They love hearing it. My dad and uncle tell me things my brothers say about me, and it sends me soaring high.
I want them to know what is on my mind, in my heart, now, today. I could drop dead at anytime. I miss them badly today, they are 10 hours away :(
Beth, I think you summed it up well.
I don't know why. Maybe I'm just in one of those melancholy moods or something, but ever since I started this thread, I've had this really old Coke commercial popping up in my mind. Some of you are old enough to remember it. It's the one from back in the early 70's where they were singing, "I'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony..." You know the one?
Iguess that's just me...too idealistic sometimes...thinking if everyone just loved one another, we could all live happily ever after.
I see reunion as a gift. I see it as an opportunity to heal the hurt, love, and be loved. It makes me sad when others take it for granted, or worse reject it all together. Sheesh...now that silly song is stuck in my head. Ha, I think I'm goint to just go with it. If I have to have a song stuck in my head, might as well be that one. could be worse. I could have Disco duck stuck in my head. Am I getting old, or what?
Good thread Shadow! By-the-way, how are you old friend? I sometimes sit and wonder these kinds of things as well. Where did my expectations come from? Why did I have such high expectations? Why did I think that I would have such a "wonderful" reunion, when all around me people weren't having the "wonderful" reunion I just KNEW I'd have. HA! HA! Here's my take on MY experience..... Reality happened. And I was left standing there with the shattered pieces of my expectations, dreams, and hopes in my hands. Wondering. Who went wrong? And in some ways, I couldn't allow myself to believe that it was me. It was her. It was them. The truth is, they are who they are, and my expecations of who and what I wanted them to be, does not and will not change who they are. Anymore then who or what they wanted me to be is going to change me. So what do I do with these pieces left in my hands. Are they real. Do they have a place in my life now? I think for me, part of what I need to do, is to examine them. Look at them for what they are. Hurts. Unmet needs. Longings. Hopefullness. Wishfullness. And a huge part of what they were, was a coping mechanism. Those dreams, hopes, expectations allowed me to get through a childhood wondering how and why the woman who gave birth to me, didn't want me. My little girl self, could not allow myself to think anything less then those lofty things about the lady who gave me life. I think I would have crumbled and fell apart without those dreams and ideals. I am no longer that little girl though, and now, as an adult I must face reality. I must let go of those "Disney-Happy-Endings" and embrace the reality that, regardless of what IS, it does NOT change WHO I am. My bmom's issues and the fact that she isn't who I "wanted" and in some ways thought I "needed", does not reflect on me. It may hurt, but it doesn't define my life. Sure, who doesn't want a lovely reunion? I would have loved to have a reunion different then what I have, but even then it wouldn't change who I am...and even that reunion would not have met the expectations that I had put on it. I think only Lifetime, Disney, and the Hallmark channel could have come up with the ending I wanted. I am not sure I answered the question at all...but, even if nobody else "gets" what I am trying to say...I think it was important for me to type this. To put in print those heart issues I have been wrestling with. I had wrong expectations, based on the fantasy world of a little girl who was hurt by the reality of the world we live in.....and in ways, I am glad I had those wonderful fantasies. I am not sure who I would be had I created a different expectation. Sitting here, I realize, I am glad that I had high expectations. As an adult I can handle the reality of those expectations not being met...I don't know, however, if I would have been able to be who I am today, had I not allowed myself to dream those dreams...to hope...to expect good things. Even today, in the aftermath of a expectation-quaking brush with reality, I still hold on to my high expectations. Except those expectations are not on my reunion anymore...I am not the only player in that saga, but I do have high expecations for myself. I expect that I will continue to be a loving, kind person, that I will continue to be who I am, and begin to embrace that I am who I am suppose to be...regardless of any unmet expectation!
Advertisements
[url=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mOEU87SBTU]YouTube - Coke Coca Cola Original I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing[/url]
I think this is the coke commercial.
What is it about this?
I remember it well, remember singing it at school and church, we played it in band, it's one of the few things I can still play on the clarinet LOL I remember it making me happy cry sometimes, and made me miss my peeps.
It stuck with me.
Is it because it was probably one of the first things I saw on TV with so many different races of people? The idea that all people can have harmony? The would like to by the world a home and furnish it with love? Little girls fantasy?
It's on my list of exposed to "things", altered my thinking as a kid somehow
I dunno! But it stuck with me like some of the fairy tales. Strange that you mentioned it.
And gee thanks, now I am stuck on the disco disco duck!
Brock wrote:I am not sure I answered the question at all...but, even if nobody else "gets" what I am trying to say...I think it was important for me to type this. To put in print those heart issues I have been wrestling with. I had wrong expectations, based on the fantasy world of a little girl who was hurt by the reality of the world we live in.....and in ways, I am glad I had those wonderful fantasies. I am not sure who I would be had I created a different expectation. Sitting here, I realize, I am glad that I had high expectations. As an adult I can handle the reality of those expectations not being met...I don't know, however, if I would have been able to be who I am today, had I not allowed myself to dream those dreams...to hope...to expect good things. Even today, in the aftermath of a expectation-quaking brush with reality, I still hold on to my high expectations. Except those expectations are not on my reunion anymore...I am not the only player in that saga, but I do have high expecations for myself. I expect that I will continue to be a loving, kind person, that I will continue to be who I am, and begin to embrace that I am who I am suppose to be...regardless of any unmet expectation!"
Thank you, Brock, for saying this. I think you are right. What kind of people would we have been to grow up with out the fantacy? I hadn't really thought about it like that before.
I've sat reading other threads by aparents and others, telling their children their bmom's placed them out of love etc.. I wondered if maybe Aparents and others weren't doing the adoptee a disservice or something. Unless they really knew the BPs did it out of love, and would be open to reunion later, how could they say that? It sort of like setting up the adoptee for disapointment later in life. Then again, how cruel would it be to say to a child otherwise? Kind of seems like a no win situation to me. I think I would rather grow thinking what I did and dealing with the reality of life as an adult, then know the truth as a child...then again, This is probably more part of the grieving process...I don't know.
I'm doing fine other than having some days, in which I'm just a little sad about the whole thing. Thanks, for asking. I think I prefer being kind, loving, and having peace of mind over being the angry adoptee, or trying to figure out what "I" did wrong. I know I'm not perfect, but I did my best. What more can I do? Time for me to go back to "live and let live". Know what I'm trying to say, but not doing a very good job of saying? I hope so cause I'm not really sure anymore. lol
Thank you again, I'm so glad you were around to help me through this journey over the past 4 years. I couldn't have done it without you. Now we just need to come up with a title for the final book. I'm all out of ideas at the moment, but I'm working on it. Keep in touch, and let me know how you are.
God bless you, Beth, for finding that commercial. Man, does that ever bring back memories...a time when life was so much more simple...a little girl's world of running barefoot on hot concrete chasing the ice cream truck down the street..playing fetch with the dog...and...sitting around a girl scout campfire singing that coke commercial song. Those were the days.
...and sorry about the Disco Duck thing.
Where do our expectations of reunion come from?
I'd have to say it comes from within. That deep human need to have a connection, something in common with someone else for our own senses of belonging. The first thing as adoptee's that we deal with is the fact that our first parents for whatever reason relinquished us. I feel that that fact alone causes our imaginations to work overtime trying to compensate for that fact. We insert the story we want or need to soothe our psyche. While I feel it is insticntual and primal, I do not believe it is a "Primal Wound". It is the natural order of adoption issues, and because adoption is so un-natural in our basic instincts....we create a natural progression of expectations that result in our ultimate reunion expectations. I believe the order of those expectations changes as we age, and from our own individual experiences of adoption. We all go through stages of emotions our whole lives. Grief, love, sadness, etc. I believe our expectations are the result of a similar cycle and depending how circumstances line up, they either result, like anything else, positively or negatively. All the players in the adoption process, at various stages, predetermines the outcomes in some instinctual way.
Advertisements
I don't mean to come across as mean or without a heart, but I have such a hard time feeling for my bdaughter what I feel for the two children I raised. I don't know why, but that's truly what's inside of me -- and I would be less than honest to say otherwise. When my bdaughter was born 22 years ago, I loved her instantly --- I also mourned her intensely and wondered every year on her birthday and prayed she was ok. So, this heartwretching time in my life ignited my curiousity to find my own birthmother, who of course must have felt and been just like me! I had that fantasy in my mind of what she might be like -- you know, the fairytale dream about two people in love who were just too young and love me so much, that they lovingly placed me for adoption. Well, six months later I (18 years old at the time) found the woman who gave birth to me. She was nothing like I had imagined and I felt nothing toward her, but curiousity. I was conceived of rape and my b-father does not know I exist. That was far from my fairytale. I knew, however, that she felt much more for me.... And, after all, how could I not understand, when I had just placed a child for adoption. I understood, but still felt nothing for her. I was ridden with guilt because I couldn't make these "feelings" appear. She was a complete stranger from a completely different world than mine. There were times where I wished she would have lied to me and let me believe my fantasy. Today, we have a good friendship, as I have come to know her as a person, and we have taken breaks from each other over the years, but we always come back to our friendship. I do treasure that, but she will never be my Mom, and that's ok. I also respect her for who she is -- all the good and all the bad -- and for the struggle and hurt she endured to give me life. It is certainly something to be grateful for. About 2 years ago, the baby that I placed for adoption contacted me due to a posting I placed on this site. Today, when I look at this 22 year old young woman, I can't connect her to that little baby I held in my arms so long ago. The baby I instantly, unconditionally loved as soon as I laid eyes on her. I can't connect those feelings to this grown woman, and more often than not, she feels like a complete stranger. I've tried the best I know how to get to know her and let her know me, but sometimes it has been overwhelming and some things about her I truly do not like. I've hoped that if I keep trying, the feelings that I do not have will develop over time. If I were to be brutally honest, what I have found is that she can be difficult, overbearing, nonstop talking, and very opinionated. Like so many 22 year olds, she has a hard time seeing things from anyone's point of view, but her own, or respecting other people's space and feelings. I have not done a good job setting boundaries, because it feels so awkward and difficult, which has given me a true appreciation for how hard this must have been for my own birthmother, when I contacted her so many years ago. Everyone on these sites talks about this "instant love" or "bond" that they feel, but I just don't feel it. Not as an adoptee after 20 some years, and not as a birthmother. I also believe that when people suck the life out of you, you do not have to accept that, no matter who they are. This young woman, who I gave life, has selfishly and intentionally come into my life with expectations that I cannot fulfill, and has berated me, made my family uncomfortable and then set out to hurt and embarrass me and my family. (as you can see, we are going through a tough reunion.... not at all what I pictured.) I do not think I need to be a martyr on this, I think I have already suffered enough and have worked really hard to build a good life that makes me happy. Birthparents have a right to live, and to live a life that is full of good things. We do not have to feel guilt and shame forever, waiting for the day our birth children find us to unleash their anger. I have given her all that she needs to build a good life, I have answered her all of her questions, opened my home and my life and I do not deserve to be treated as I have been. I never treated my birthmother this way. I also do not want her to walk away without understanding that other people matter and what they feel matters. I'm not saying that I'll never want to see her again, but what I am saying is that I do not need to for me to feel fulfilled and happy. Knowing that she has parents that have loved her and provided for her is enough. Being both an adoptee and a birthparent, I see this from a unique perspective. Whose struggle is more difficult? Well, as an adoptee I never felt hurt or pain or anger -- this is probably ironic, as my adoptive father molested me throughout my childhood. I had an experience (losing my own child) that made me appreciative and truly curious to know my birthmother. It was like solving the mystery to my life.... and being able to say "Thank You". It wasn't about healing hurt, because I didn't feel hurt. I felt adopted. As a birthmother, I felt immense hurt and pain.... it took years for it to heal, and evenstill, I never ever forgot the pain or the loss of my first child. Then, years later, there is some expectation by society that as birthmothers we owe the adoptee closure, love, acceptance, etc. because we abandoned them? I think if we were all honest, we could say that adoption is not "abandonment". At 17 years old, it would have been much less painful for me to keep this infant that I loved so very much. I could have taken her home to live with my molester of a father.... it would have been less painful for me and ruined her life completely. So, did I abandon her? No. I chose to seek out an area adoption agency with a good reputation in the community. I worked with a social worker from the agency throughout my pregnancy who knew the adoptive parents that my child would go to. I believed and still believe today that they gave her love, safety and security and the type of upbringing that I could not have given her. Ironically, she doesn't see this. My birthmother at 15 years old recognized that the child that grew within her was conceived of a rape, and she could not have raised me. She too suffered immensely. Then imagine, to finally meet the child you entrusted to another, only to find out the baby had been repeatedly molested? Although we are truly different people, the common thread we share is our belief in life and our acceptance of our own shortcomings and that sometimes things are truly beyond our control. We all do the best we can with the cards we are dealt. I went through the most immense heartache I have ever felt so that my bdaughter's life would be better. When do I have a right to free myself from the guilt and hurt? Why now does she have a right to come back and be so hurtful and critical of who I am versus what she wanted me to be? Why is it expected that I will unconditionally love someone that I do not even know? I guess I am trying to put this whole situation in some sort of box, so that life can get back to normal. My husband, my daughter and my son deserve that from me. My 17 year old daughter really needs me to be her Mom right now.... and I'm not comfortable with a b-daughter who constantly criticizes me for choosing to raise her in a nice community, outside of the city. I'm also VERY uncomfortable when b-daughter tells my 17 year old that she's been too sheltered and needs to live a little, party, drink, experiment with sex, etc. As for my b-daughter, she has a lot of growing and maturing to do and I do not wish her any harm, in fact, quite the opposite. I believe that there may be other issues that go well beyond her adoption, but I know I am not in a position to help her on those. She has a family to lean on for those intimate places in her life.... the family I gave her 22 years ago (and thank goodness they are normal, and not like my adopted family). I have not been involved in her family beyond 1 cup of coffee with her Mom - and I wouldn't feel comfortable inserting myself there. Why is there an expectation that she belongs so intimately in my family? I guess for me, endings matter and I do see this as an ending. Maybe given 10-15 years, things will be different and we will be able to form a friendship, but I need to protect myself and my ability to continue to be the wife and mom that my family deserve. As a birthmother, I have that right. It is part of what I received during the adoption, and my heart broke for that right. Am I making sense to anyone???? Has anyone felt these things before? As I read through some of these postings, I just wish I could find someone who understands or has had similar feelings and is willing to be honest about it -- even though it might not be the popular way to feel. I feel so guilty for being honest. I can't believe I am alone in this! Ugggg.....
Meg, I do understand not feeling an automaic bond with bfamily or mom...I did't. Not because of anything but the fact that at that point they were biological strangers.....I did get to know them and love to see the biological traits that are inherited, love knowing my heritage(from bmoms side only) and all the rest. But my adoptive parents are my mom and dad. Here the thing with adoption.....the most obvisious being all biological connections are broken....those conncetions are important ..if they were not why are all of society just passing babies around like nothing...the gentic mirroring, the knowledge of self ect. BUT becasue the connections are broken the everyday experiances, the memories the actual life lived by the adoptee is with someone else. There thoughts, personaity, cultural experainces are all changed so any biopersonailty traits are changed and colored by the upbringing. Even in the best of circmstanses it does cause the basic person on who the adoptee was to become to change into another families blueprint..sort of speak. I really beleive that it works alot of the time but it can also cause confusion and feeling of discomfort for some. So then 20, 30, or whatever years later there is a "reunion" talk about a ticking timebomb..we see how some where itsw just a natural melding of adoptee into family, and then the opposite where it just explodes at some point. All in all its all very sad... I am really sorry you are experaincing so much confusion and pain in your reunion..I am sorry your daughter is striking out as she is...no mother desrves to feel shame..no child can fulfill the pain and loss felt by a bmom...no parent can fulfill the loss of a bilogical family for an adoptee...it all has to be worked out and respect given for all. I am an adoptee not a bmom...but my biggest thing when I had children that I was NOT going to lose the only piece of my biology in the world..I can't imagine having to. I can't help but think that you can't compare the two with one being worse then the other....I am not questioning that you are but it just seems to me that you bring the experiance of being an adoptee right into the experaince of being a bmom..they really can't be seperated. The problem that Ihave seen with expecations is that I have oftend seen where bmoms reunite expecting the adoptee to be the "daughter/son" in EVERY sense of the word and thats impossible..same with adoptees they are looking for a "family" whther it be mom or dad and that can't be either..to much has already been lost. A lifetime, a childhood where the formation of the child is being done, childhood experiances that can never be re-created....far to much loss.
Meg,
You make alot of sense and I see a very caring, well grounded woman in you. If only we could all tell our stories in such a beautiful, precise and truthful manner as you have, the world would be on a much better track than it's on. I am an adoptee, not a birthmom, but you have given me the opportunity to step into your shoes with your eloquent writing, and I have to say looking at it from your perspective is something I was able to do and I was honestly able to feel empathy for your situation and know in my heart that there are others who feel as you do. Why would you want to have a relationship with someone who demeans you like that? I don't care who it is or what "birthright" they feel they have. The sensible boundaries you've set have been stomped on and it is not fair. As for your birth mom, I can see that you both are happy with the relationship, so there's no need to justify the lack of certain feelings. It is just what is and that's more than alot of people in the adoption triad have. Take care and thank you for your story.
Kitty
BrockBaby.... "don't know, however, if I would have been able to be who I am today, had I not allowed myself to dream those dreams...to hope...to expect good things. Even today, in the aftermath of a expectation-quaking brush with reality, I still hold on to my high expectations. Except those expectations are not on my reunion anymore...I am not the only player in that saga, but I do have high expecations for myself. I expect that I will continue to be a loving, kind person, that I will continue to be who I am, and begin to embrace that I am who I am suppose to be...regardless of any unmet expectation!"You hit the nail right on the head, and believe it or not, I get what you are saying, entirely. What I really like about your thoughts, is that you own your own life and its destiny. I think good things will be on the horizon.... it's karma. We are all responsible for our own happiness, despite how we came to be. All that really matters is that we are here and that we live a life that makes a difference!
Advertisements
Kitty and Dpen...Thank you for your thoughtful response. I feel like I may have hi-jacked the blog.... sorry.... but I'm glad that you've expressed some understanding. It's so hard to work through all of this and sometimes it is so ridden with guilt over feelings that either exist or don't exist. I guess the moral here is that our expectations can never be entirely met. For me, both of my reunions have brought a strange sort of sweet sorrow. But both have brought answers. I know that for me and even for my Birth Mother and Birth Daughter, the answers were an important part of feeling complete. I am thankful for my life, for the children and husband God has blessed me with and that every bad situation is an opportunity for growth. I am also thankful for all of you! As you can see, I needed to vent, was able to spill it all and you guys have the patience to read through my ramblings and remind me that I am sane and that others have felt these things too. So thank you!