She doesn't want contact

I am always saddened when adoptees learn that their bmoms refuse contact. I'm saddened for both sides because I believe everyone's lives can be enriched.

Maybe birth mothers don't like guitar players? Me too - three years after I sent my first letter I have had no response - she now returns cards unopened. But it hasn't kept me from becoming friends with cousins and learning about my original family. Just remember she's not rejecting you as a person, she's rejecting the experience she went through. I called my birth mother once and spoke to her briefly before she got angry and hung up; I wasn't rude to her, it was just her emotions which got the best of her. I've had years to deal with the issue from my side; sadly, she appears to have become locked in a loop of denial. That may have been the only way of dealing with it initially, but without help instead of outgrowing that defense mechanism it just becomes permanent. What do you play?

Now wait a minute... LOL. Not all bmoms dislike musicians!! I think you may be right, btw, about the loop of denial. I had a counselor tell me once that we develop defence mechanisms that work at the time but later become hinderances to growth. The problem with denial is that it does become a way of life and for some the very idea of opening that door is too scary. It's like all the memories and emotions have been stuffed in a closet and opening the door will let them spill out and overwhelm the person. The sad thing is that the bmom will never really move beyond that experience if they never process it and then everyone loses.

Thanks Kathy. That's exactly how I thought of it- after 50 years of avoiding the unpleasantness of thinking about being adopted, when it finally became too disruptive to avoid I had to deal with it. I likened it to opening the cellar door, knowing there was something mewling in the dark that was terrifying to a child. I finally discovered that the bogeyman I dreaded to deal with as a kid was nothing an adult need fear.

Hi D28Bob! LOL. Thanks for the laugh - I got a mental picture of a pressure group "Birth Mothers Against Musicians". What you wrote about denial makes a lot of sense - it may be that my birth mother hasn't really worked through the feelings she's been holding on to since 1971. I still hoping that she'll have a change of heart about contact, and at least send a letter and photo.If nothing more is possible, I would love to know a little more about her and see what she looks like. Musically my main area is jazz and its relatives, but I've also played in bands covering 60s psychedelia. How about you?

You must remember that she was told to forget about you and go on with her life. My adopted sister suffered the same fate about the same era, and our adopted mother gave her absolutely no choice - she was to go away until the "problem" was over, and nothing was ever said about it again. My sister's daughter found her 25 years later, and it took my sister over a year to reply. They still do not have a real relationship, though my neice and her half sisters do communicate with her firstborn, as do I. Adoption does pull at some very deep emotions and leaves some real scars. If you haven't read it, I suggest you find a copy of "The Girls Who Went Away" as a look into the trauma birth mothers suffered - it changed the way I understood my own birth mother's refusal to reply to my repeated attempts. If you're using a searcher, see what you can find in the way of other relatives. I've made good relationships with my birth cousins who have accepted me as they knew of my existence through family rumors. I play mostly acoustic, some blues, western swing, bluegrass, folk and Celtic styles.

I'm a bmother and i can understand your delemia. me and my daughter were reunited about 4 yrs ago. and i was scared and happy at the same time. But it is important to get as much medical info as you can. i don't know how old you are but my daughter was 30 when we were reunited. i made sure in our records they had all the info i could give and when she called and we talked i told her all that was in our family. and get intouch with the aunts and uncles. they may surprise you and let you know and be glad to meet you. my whole family was glad we found each other gl and do what you feel is right for you.

I wanted to come back to this and update. Illinois recently changed their legislation and adoptees are now entitled to a copy of their original birth certificates. Birth parents have the option of having their names removed, so there's a chance this was another dead end. I sent in my check and paperwork, and waited. On Friday, I received a copy of my original birth certificate with my birth mother's name, address at the time of birth, and her birth state. Google and Facebook have led me to finding the names and locations of most of her siblings, and some of their children or grandchildren (I think). There isn't much info out there, and I am continuing to look, but it seems like I'll have to pay for an ancestry.com membership or search engine, or something. I don't know what to do about contact. Right now I can see a good amount on Facebook, but I have yet to see a picture of her. Also the person on Facebook with her name and in her location may or may not be her. There seem to be 2 branches of the family with this last name, and there seem to be some duplicate first/last name combos (different middle initial) in the same area. The person on Facebook with her name is not "friends" with any of the other relatives with their last name. So "Jane Smith" is not Facebook friends with her nephew "Eli Smith", or her grandniece "Julie Smith". She has a very small Facebook friends list, and none of the people share her last name or the last name of any of the relatives I have found. In a small, insular community (towns with populations of 1000-2000) that seems odd. Also complicating things is that there is a missing woman with her exact name but different middle initial and birth date, so most of my searches online are pulling up the missing woman, not my birth mother. This is all new info for me to digest, and I'm still figuring out what to do, but at least I have some openings now. I've thought about contacting her or other relatives, but again I don't want to lose access to the little info I have now (a few relatives have fairly open Facebook pages so I can see photos, for examples). I think I need to exhaust all of my online options before moving toward contact. Thanks for all of the support. This has been quite the roller coaster, and it isn't over yet!

I have an ancestry.com membership and would be happy to help you. Ancestry is a very resourceful tool! I was able to help a friend locate her birth family three weeks ago primarily using this resource. Let me know if I can help. ~ Denise

I'm sorry but I have to say this, it is certainly true that most Mothers feel these things, but some just don't have it in them, and should never be mothers to begin with. I know this because I had the misfortune to be born to one, as were my 8 siblings. Our mothers excuse for having all of us, was supposedly there was no birth control, which just wasn't true. She sat back for years, while our father abused us severely, and even lied at times, saying we did things we didn't, when he would come home from work in a bad mood, my guess is so he would take it out on us and not her. Yet he had not abused her. So maybe you were a good mother, and although there are many out there, not all are. That's why the statistics are as they are, that every few minutes a child or woman is abused, kidnapped or murdered, and most times by a family member or close friend, and it's on the news all the time about parents killing their children. I'm sorry to be so grim, but if People started facing reality, and standing up against it, less of all this would happen. But society in general, close their eyes to it, because as many put it, it's not my child/wife/sister etc., so it's none of my business. But it is EVERYONE'S business

She's had decades to prepare for this moment. This is the 2nd time this poor "baby" was rejected by this "mother." I wouldn't get your hopes up of the birth "mom" changing her mind. It's possible, but don't dream about it. Consider this chapter closed. I would inquire with other relatives for medical info if I were you.

Interesting. Try classmates.com, class reunions, libraries in her town/hometown, and the like. Sometimes you can find photos in those.

NancyDrew, you certainly chose a very appropriate user name. It looks like all your detective work is getting you closer. I think you can also get a free 2-week trial subscription to ancestry.com. I too have done a lot of snooping on Facebook, and it's amazing what we can sometimes find out from a list of "friends". I would just keep investigating and putting the pieces together before you jump in and try to contact anyone. It's great that you now have a name! As the previous poster said, you can look in high school yearbooks for a picture (if you can't get to the school library, you could possibly buy one on the Internet) -- but, of course, that's only if you have an idea where she went to school. It helps that she's from a smaller community. When I first saw photos of my bparents (both of whom are deceased), I could see the resemblance -- seeing a picture does help. If you end up not being able to locate your bmom, you could then try to contact others whom you believe to be family members. Or possibly message those people with her last name in that town, and see if you get any new clues. I think there are public Social Security death databases available online -- you might also check to see if you find her name there. Or maybe search for her name or other family members in her local newspapers (online archives) -- sometimes even an obituary of a grandparent or uncle has a long list of surviving relatives, and you can see the whole family tree. Good luck to you -- thanks for your update. Glad you're making progress!

Nancydrew, I'm sorry for your pain. I found my bmom through an investigator 12 years ago -- she too wanted no contact. I then sent her a sweet letter explaining I just wanted some medical information and that I would respect her privacy. She responded to specific questions I had. I also sent her some pictures and asked her if I looked like her (something we all wonder). She wrote back with some answers and enclosed some pics of her and my half sibs. This helped for some time. I'm writing to let you know that we met in person for the first time last week! I found out my half sister was looking for me over 10 years ago when the family secret came out -- I had no idea. After a nice meeting with my half sister and half brother (I guess confirming I was not a lunatic) she had a change of heart and decided she was ready. It has brought me much peace and I wish the same for you whatever you decide. Wishing you well on your journey.

I just want to thank all of you who have replied to this. I have gone off and on with wanting to know, and making peace with not knowing. I guess now I am back in a place of wanting to move forward, and not knowing what to do. Interestingly enough, she has changed her Facebook profile so it is less visible. She still has none of her relatives as Facebook friends, which makes me wonder (since most of them are Facebook friends with each other). I have found addresses and possible phone numbers for her, but am still not sure how or when/if to attempt contact. Also, not sure whether I mentioned this before, but apparently her siblings (or, the one that the confidential intermediary spoke with) do not know of my existence. So contacting them would be weird. But looking at them on Facebook, I can see some resemblances. It is so weird.