Need Advise about open adoption agreement

Go very very slowly and I would not give them any identifying info at this point. I would give them pics and updates and let them know that if you do have visits that they are to be a a public place and that they are to be sober. The child is one and you have many many years ahead of you. What will be right for this year might change considerably in the next 2,4,10, 15 yrs ahead.

Open Adoption contracts are NOT legally inforcable in Texas. Once your adoption is final, any and all contact is up to you! If you wish to completely close your adoption, legally you can...I wouldn't recommend that...but you can tighten up your requirements, and severly limit contact.

In our agreement we added a statement that basically said that if the parents participated in illegal activities that contact would be stopped for the safety of the children. Our OA is not legally binding due to the state that our adoption occured in, but that statement put me at ease, becuase I want to honor the agreement, but I don't want to be involved with anyone who comitts crimianal acts.

My first question would be: what kind of drugs? how much possession? what kind of intent? What kind of "punishment" or drug counseling is in effect? And I would want to hear from them personally, their story of it all, and what they intend to do now? I'd also want to know if this was a main reason for signing a TPR, if they thought jail time would be in their future. I'd be upset too if this important info about the parents wasn't released to me. It makes me wonder if they would signed for a closed adoption? They have no rights in an open adoption anyway, no matter what they've been told by you or anyone. Which seems very shady to me, but that's how it is. Good on you for wanting to honor your contract.

I have not been able to find out all the details of the arrest. I know that both parents were in the home when the cops arrived. The dad jumped out the window with a suitcase full of drugs and the mom was left in the house with drugs on the bed being bagged. I have also found out that the dad already has a criminal charge against him that he is awaiting trial for. We were not informed of any of this. I will be anxiously waiting to see what the judge in our case has to say about this. We had such high hopes of being able to have a good relationship with the parents regardless of the past. Now, I feel like we need to step back and rethink this for the safety of our little one!

I have not been able to find out all the details of the arrest. I know that both parents were in the home when the cops arrived. The dad jumped out the window with a suitcase full of drugs and the mom was left in the house with drugs on the bed being bagged. I have also found out that the dad already has a criminal charge against him that he is awaiting trial for. We were not informed of any of this. I will be anxiously waiting to see what the judge in our case has to say about this. We had such high hopes of being able to have a good relationship with the parents regardless of the past. Now, I feel like we need to step back and rethink this for the safety of our little one!

we didn't agree to anything in writing but we did discuss that we would do visits as long as they were straight up and clean because we would not be willing to put him in a dangerous situation and we do brief visits where I am comfortable at my discretion. thats all I know to offer.

Just out of curiousity: I'm wondering why any of that would matter? Drugs are drugs and selling them is illegal! Why would it matter what their story is? It's pretty obvious that they are still using (people don't sell and not use, I don't care what they say!) I am with the other poster that said the contract is not binding. While I understand that you want to keep your word, I think that common sense would trump any written agreement that occured before this incident. I really don't know why they do these OA contracts in the first place?! It is very misleading to the birth parents and puts a lot of preassure and stress on the adoptive parents. IMHO

Depending on your state, the contract may be binding and enforcable. Be very careful.IMO, if you want open adoption, you need to recognize your child's birth parents are far from perfect or they would not be in this particularly adoption situation (losing their kids, not choosing adoption for their kids). That said, open adoption is still in your child's interest... just limit the contact while the parents lives are not on track. My kids both have open adoptions and believe me, Tucker's parents did MUCH worse thigns than deal drugs... much, much, much worse. His adoption contact is through a third party for now, they don't know our names or address, they get pictures of ONLY Tucker (not the rest of us) and updates.This would be a way (third party) for you to keep in contact for your sons sake. Also, in my daughters agreement it stipulates certain activities (if they are incarcerated, under the influence, etc) allow us to limit contact to letters only... if you don't have such a clause, I would recommend you have your lawyer add it prior to the upcoming hearing. Any judge worth his/her salt will understand why you want such a clause in the agreement.

I just think it matters to some extent, especially if we are talking about them communicating directly or spending time with any children. If someone is smoking pot, got busted with a bag and a bag or two to sell, I think it is Entirely different than if they are a meth/crackhead and selling suitcases full of it. I am guessing it is pot, since the guy had a suitcase full of it, if it were anything else and he had a suitcase full, they'd either be rich by now, or dead, or in grave danger if money is still owed on what the cops took. Not to mention they'll be in jail for a long long time. Everyone makes mistakes, it's the mistake that counts to me and if they intend on continuing it, if these people were crackheads or using heroin I would be much much more concerned than if they smoked pot. I don't know too many people who have recovered from a meth or crack addiction, the chances of it don't seem good. But does having a problem like this mean you don't deserve to know how your kids are doing? That your kids don't deserve to know how you are doing? Not that I wouldn't be concerned if they were using and selling pot, I just see it as a big difference when someone may be communicating with my child in the future. I'd probably be even more concerned if they were legal alcoholics. "Criminal activities" is a large catagory. My friend is a criminal and deserves to be tortured and fed to the environmentalists for what he did, but I wouldn't remove him from his children completely for being a speeding litterbug. Only on his weekends til he finsihes his 500 hours of community service. :) The fact that this info wasn't revealed until after the agreement was made, is what worries me the most. It's one thing to attempt to hide substance abuse, but when there have been arrests and people are awaiting court dates.... that's a bit much to hide. Somebody dropped a ball or two somewhere. If it wasn't for this child, and this childs rights, I would most likely choose no contact with the child if I felt things weren't changing with the mother and father. Since I am a biased adopted person with a closed adoption, I can't imagine I would ever stop with updates back and forth, thru me the mom, until the child is an adult, no matter who they are or what they've done. Because of my bias and the view of it all that I've been given, I see everyone involved as family. Family members aren't always how we want them to be, or even good for us sometimes, but they are still family, doesn't mean we ever have to talk to them, or even like them, but they are still family and we should encourage them to be part of the team. If one family member is dumped forever because of their behavior...... I'd always wonder who in the family is next to go. Anybody know what states do honor open adoptions legally in some fashion? I didn't know any did.

Here is a site to an article with a state by state break down and further links for information on legally enforeable OA contracts: Child Welfare site.In Massachusetts, OA contracts are enforceable, but there are typically several clauses that give the adoptive parents the ability to close the adoption. Just a few examples: (1) if the aparents decide it is in the best interest of the child, (2) if the bparents appear at a visit intoxicated or inappropriate, (3) if the bparents attempt to contact the child or aparents in any way other than exactly as written in the contract, and (4) if the bparents miss one (or two) visits, (5) if the child states that s/he doesn't want contact.Plus enforcing the contracts are VERY difficult. The bparents must file suit in court, they have no right to have an attorney appointed, and the Judge, upon review of the contract may enforce the contract, but may limit the contract, put new restrictions on the bparents or nullify the contract. The Judge may NEVER EXPAND the bparents rights or put new requirements on the aparents.These contracts (particularly in cases of foster/adopt) are very favorable to the aparents and give very little power to the bparents.

Very good point!! This is the perspective that our kids are going to have. This is why we keep in contact with our DD's bioparents who are heroin addicts. BUT, this is done through a 3rd party and the bparents do not have any of our personal info, phone #s etc. We do visits 1-2 times per year at the adoption agency and send pictures there too. The SW calls them when the pics arrive and they pick them up at the agency.(They love baby J enough to stay away when they are not clean and sober.) I want my little girl to know that we love her bparents no matter what bad decisions they have made. I would NEVER have made any written agreement with them because, given their addiction, it would be impossible to predict whether I could follow through with the agreement or not. For the OP-I still say, pot or crack or whatever, this doesn't seem to be a situation in which to promise visitation. Just my opinion.

That's great but no one has to have an open adoption agreement to try open adoption. You just try it, you don't have to put a promise in writing. While I think open adoptions of varying degrees can be great for the children in many instances, you very quickly learned, also, why having an open adoption agreement is, IMO, a very, very bad idea all around. Since you regret creating the agreement and have no intention of honoring it, I think you should have your lawyer do whatever it takes to take it off the table now, if possible, before it becomes part of a court order, possibly the adoption order. Just because it may be difficult for the first parents to prevail in court--although I would think (somebody correct me if I'm wrong) it may actually be fairly easy for them to haul you into court for breaching the agreement and make you pay to defend to yourself--is no reason to let it ride. Either your word means something or it doesn't. If you can't bind yourself and your child to these people for the next 18 years, then I don't think you should pretend that you will. I hope it works out for you and that you are able to step back from the agreement. If you've already signed anything, though, it may be too late. A lawyer would have to advise you and probably ask the court in whatever way they do to know for sure. Sorry, got to haul out the soapbox now. Whenever this subject comes up, I try to make these points about open adoption agreements: . Open adoption agreements are between the adults; they are all about what the adults want, they are not about what the child needs.. In foster situations, they are used to manipulate and mislead parents into relinquishing voluntarily; actually, I believe this is often true in all kinds of adoption. Regardless of "full disclosure" from an agency, you really have no clue as to the extent of the abuse and neglect to which the child was subjected. Agencies do not go out of their way to find or investigate any and all offenses. Our cw, for example, at least had the honesty to say that although they were sure SA had occurred, they did not take the time and money and trouble to try to substantiate it because they had enough other, "easier" evidence for TPR. I doubt most cws would admit that such gaps in information occur as often as they do.. I believe it is unethical to make promises if you are not very sure you can keep them; over the years of childhood, it is impossible to have any certainty whatsoever of any adoptive parent's ability to keep such promises.. In any situation, OA agreements pre TPR are a quid pro quo for a child, reducing the child to the status of barter.. The child will someday be aware of this contract and the circumstances surrounding it. Personally, upon reflection, I knew I would never want my child to think I had any hand in inducing their first parents to relinquish, especially if there were a good chance, and there always is, that I wouldn't be able to honor the deal anyway.. Making a contract binding a helpless child to certain associations is, IMO, unethical since the child has no opportunity or ability to give informed consent and may well protest later.. Further to the above, think about it: How would you like another person to bind you to associating with your abuser, a person who committed crimes against you? It is one thing to have the opportunity to pursue such a relationship, it is something else altogether to be chained to it involuntarily.. 18 years is a very long time to count on someone else's good behavior, especially someone who has already proven themselves to be a danger to this child. Personally, and it may sound cold, I wouldn't sign such an agreement, that is an agreement binding my child to visits and invasion of privacy, with anyone, including my own sisters and parents. I don't know what the future will hold and neither do they. If it's healthy and beneficial to my children to have a relationship with them, we do; if it's not, we don't. Why should it be any different for first parents? I think too many agencies and too many eager prospective parents are equating agreements with openness when it is totally unnecessary. Try openness, take it one contact at a time, see how it goes, retain your parental responsibility and authority to protect your child when needed without having to explain or justify your actions to anyone. The adoption order reads, "as if ______ had been born to them" or some such words. IMO, that isn't true when there is an open adoption agreement in place because an agreement subordinates parental rights and responsibilities to the contract. Hopping down now. To the op, I really do hope this knot can be untangled for you so that the adoption goes through in a way that you are comfortable with and that puts your child's needs first.

I just thought I'd share what we did... We set up an email account for the birth family to send emails to, and from which I can send them photos & updates. I used a somewhat fake name and made the email address as easy for them to remember as possible. It has been a blessing for them to be able to email when they want, and I don't have to worry about identifying ourselves. Even extended birth family members have the email and we have received emails from them as well. I print them all and save them. In addition, I have the address that bm gave me of trusted family members that will hold photos for her. I do not put a return address on them. I stamp them and mail them. I did, however, find that when I went into the post office to mail them, they wanted a return address, so I just weigh it and add stamps myself. I have had many friends offer to mail the photos from their homes & towns, but I don't want to involve them. If I am nervous about our safety, then I wouldn't want to involve them. It isn't that I think the birth parents are EVIL, but there is a criminal element with them, and I have to protect my family. It's just preventative. Also, when we were going through th process, there was a rash of incidents of birth parents either attacking social workers or the adoptive parent to get their child back, and I have 3 other kids to protect. I want to have some contact with the birth family because I think it's reasonable and right for them to know my son is okay and to feel confident about his safety and well-being, but it's actually me who is the motivated party in our case. I sometimes feel like I'm brow beating them to keep in touch and I should let them have their peace. I told bm I would send photos, so I will keep my word, but I don't know if she cares anymore. Then again, she is barely literate, and it is difficult for her to email, as the birth parents are transient most of the time. I did find my son's maternal aunt of myspace through her public profile. I was able to view photos of my son's older three siblings, which was awesome, and we saw photos of other family members. That will be important to him someday to see those pics. It has been harder to keep in touch than I expected. Our agency is absolutely, categorically AGAINST us keeping in touch due to the bm's history. I recently found out through court records that she was arrested for running a drug house. The police had a stake out in front of her house when my son was removed and everyone was arrested. I'm sure there are other things I don't know, but have tried to find a balance between no communication and an unsafe amount of communication. So, the agency provides post adoption services but will not keep photos & updates on file for bm. It's kind of hard because I have a file for that with my oldest two kids, but not my youngest. This is such an interesting subject to me. I have wondered if the photos & updates even help at all or only hurt the birth family. I think we need more time to see how all of these open adoptions & semi-open adoptions work out. I just think that it's so unusual that open adoptions are kept up, and I'm interested to see the studies on them in the future.