Letter of goodbye to my birthmother...

I wrote this letter last night. I will never send it. I think that my reunion with my birthmother has hit another period of silence- I do not think I will hear from her for a long time. I have finally, after years of consideration, decided to decline any further contact. Our reunion has become a sad, partnerless dance. I have tried over and over again, only to be given a few shallow phone calls, followed by months and years of unexplained and sudden silence. This is my final letter- all the things I want to say to my birthmother, but will never get the chance to say.

"Dear C,

I will never send this letter to you. I am hoping to dissappear from your life, and for you to disappear from mine. I know that this is impossible. We are intimately connected, forever intertwined. But our connection, though everlasting, cannot follow me into the future, my future. I have spent many years of my life trying to understand you, to come to terms with your decisions, especially those regarding me. I have been told the reasons for my relinquishment many times, I know why , logically, you and D made the decision you did.

I can understand it, but there is something inside me that will not allow me to forgive you. I have been raised with the ideal that mothers do not leave their children, that mothers will do anything to protect their children, to love their children, to keep their children. This societal law of nature, this assurance of mother love that the general population enjoys and takes for granted, does not apply to me. I feel that you have betrayed me, that D has betrayed me, that both of your families have commited the ultimate act of disloyalty by choosing not to raise me, the newest member of your family. I know that logically this is not true. I know that it was no reflection of me as a person, that I was merely a problem that needed fixing, a child who was both simultaneously loved and unwanted. I know that I am not unique, that you surrendered children before and after me, that I am merely one of your many children who you have not kept.

I got into contact with you for the first time when I was still in middle school. Since then, I have given you many chances to have a relationship with me. I have visited you, spoken to you for hours on the phone, and provided you with every courtesy possible. I have opened my life to you, my heart, my time. And you have given me very little in return. We've exchanged pleasantries, told stories, and discussed modern events, but we have not ONCE discussed us, our past, or what we mean to eachother. I have waited under the assumption that it is hard for you to discuss- lived with a vain hope that one day you'd feel strong enough to tell me everything. But I've waited over 10 years, and nothing has changed. You have not changed. You are still as unreliable as ever, popping in and out of your children's lives as you please, making promises you cannot keep. I have kept myself at a distance, emotionall and physically,for years now- waiting in the sidelines for some indication that you are ready for me. After all these years, I feel like it's time to give up.

You have forgotten my birthday. Or you've ignored it. I finally got back into contact with you, and merely months later we would have celebrated the first birthday where we've been actively talking. You could have called me, I would have spoken to you. I would taken your call, shared things with you. But you didn't- why? You could have raised me, you were not young. You could have kept me, loved me, watched me grow up, but you didn't-why? I've never heard it from you.

I never wanted to go back. But I believe that in order for us to move forward, we have to know where we've come from. In order to forge a relationship based on trust and love, we'd have to examine what tore us apart to begin with.

You will always be a part of me. Inside of me, there will always be remnants of you. I see them everyday, in myself, in my mannerisms, my emotions, my hands and my eyes. You left me when I was 1 month old, but it's taken me 10 years to surrender you- to succumb to the painful truth that you will never be what I so desperately want, that you will never be able to participate in the beautiful relationship I know we could have.

I will not miss you, not anymore than I ever have. Deciding to not contact you further will have little affect on my everyday life. I've learned to live my days without you. This is my last letter to you- my final goodbye. I will never forget that you have given me everything I have,that the life that I love and have because of the last decision you made for me. I am happy, I am loved. I know that's what you wanted.

--Amanda