He just turned 18

Today was Granny's birthday party. M never did write me back to say yea or nay to coming and he didn't show up so..... His fb page says he's partying with friends this weekend and went to see a Cirque du Soleil this afternoon. It might have been better that he was not there though. My mom invited her next door neighbors over to have some cake and ice cream with us. They were bragging about how cute and well behaved W is. Mom pulls out a picture she has of M and says. "This is my other grandson M." They said, "Where is he today?" Mom points at me and said, "Oh, she gave him up for adoption but I got to meet him recently." They gave me that look that people have when they find out you are a birthmother that I'm sure you are all familiar with. They had the courtesy to say, "Well, he's cute too" and changed the subject. Another thing that bothered me was the way she said, "I got to meet him recently." It had a lilt to it like, "Ha,ha,ha, I've met him and you haven't." I was LIVID but I didn't want to upset Granny so I just sat there and took it. We left shortly thereafter though. It's just been one of those days.

Gwen, I'm so sorry things went that way. I know this is no consolation but keeping reminding yourself he is young and a guy, two things that seem to make our species go special needs for a time right? Hang in there... you are doing the right thing and the best you can. As for your mom, ugh, no words.

I'm sorry it worked out like that - I guess he is young. I hope he responds soon though.

I'm so sorry your Mom behaved that way. There is no reason that she should be sharing your journey in that way. (((((hugs)))))

Well guys, he turns 20 today. I can't believe I have a 20 year old! How the heck did that happen? I sent him a birthday card. It was surreal picking out the very first birthday card I've ever sent to him. It was a simple card that had a cute little mouse holding a present on the front. When you open the card it says, "I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday." I didn't want to send one of those cards that starts out, "For my son on his birthday..." I didn't want to upset his mother or make him uncomfortable. I wanted short, sweet and cute. I also enclosed a letter that I wrote to him about my pregnancy. I told him the date that I found out I was pregnant, how I felt, what I craved, what I wanted to name him, stuff like that. I got an email from him last night. I hadn't heard from him in over a month. I was wondering if I would hear from him. He said he has been thinking a lot about me in the last few days. He said that he thinks it is so neat that he looks so much like me. He thinks its "totally awesome" that we both love music, photography, and traveling. He thinks its "so cool" that I am a paramedic and it's "outstanding" that I am in nursing school and I want to work with cancer patients when I'm done. He wants to do something to help his fellow man too someday, he's just not sure which direction to go about it yet. He said my younger son W is "the cutest baby ever" and he loves showing off pictures of his "little bro" to his friends. He ended his note with, "send everyone my love, M" The only thing that would make this better was if I could give him his birthday card, give him a big hug and wish him a happy birthday in person. I am so at peace right now with where things are though. I feel confidant that some day I will get to see him and hold my baby boy for the first time. Happy Birthday M!!!

Gwen, you will hold him someday, be patient. Baby steps. When it happens, it will so be worth the wait! I am so happy for you that you have heard from M, I am sure you were thrilled. Keep believing that this is only going to get better for you, because,.....it will. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I love reading about you and your family. Best of luck with your nursing classes.

Well, he turned 21 today. I haven't heard from him since June. He wrote me a short note that said, "I know it's been ages since we talked. I've been thinking about you alot. I'm going to write you a big long letter this weekend." However, that letter never came. I've been keeping myself brutally busy in the hopes that I'll be too exhausted to think about his birthday. Unfortunately,as soon as my head hits my pillow, I stare at the ceiling and think about the mistakes I made and all that I lost. I know I should be happy. He had the wonderful, two parent home and everything else that I wanted him to have. I also went on to have a good life. I have a wonderful husband, a nice house, a cute yard, a nice neighborhood, a cool career, and another son. I'm starting to think I will never get past this dark spot in my life. Anyway, thanks for letting me vent about this and for celebrating another birthday for my boy with me. I appreciate you all being someone I can lean on when no one else could possibly understand. :grouphug:

(((((Gwen))))) I'm so sorry, Gwen....birthdays can be brutal some years, even after we reunite with our grown children. I know that you know all about young men your son's age, how they often say they'll keep in touch and then space it out. I also know that having this knowledge doesn't make it one bit easier on us mothers, especially during birthdays and holidays. If you want to chat over on FB, just message me! Love ya, kiddo... And Happy Birthday to M!! (Bet you're wondering where all the years have gone, aren't you, lol?!!) :cake:

Today is my son's 18th birthday. April Fools irony. I've accepted. Through the magic of friends and the internet, I know his name, where he lives, and what he looks like. I think of him, but he's not a constant in my head. I know he's where he should be. But today is different. I think because he's an adult? And I feel like the door is opening to meet him. It's like it's bringing it back. Happy Birthday.

Today is my daughter's 22nd birthday, and I share much of the same knowledge as MissCanada in terms of what I have discovered about my own child. Reading through Gwen's posts from the beginning, I nearly got excited enough to send a note, but held back. I have promised she and myself that I would not do that. That I would give her the power to contact or not contact me. Since I made that promise, I am having a harder and harder time living with it. I don't know if her parents have ever shared any of the letters I have sent to her. I don't know what the right thing to do is anymore. Keep my promise, and suffer unnecessarily, or contact her and risk being rejected. I keep telling myself, I'll wait until she's 25 because then she should be established in her career, etc. But I did make that promise... I don't know what to do, and that is 3 years away from right now. I hope that your son comes around, Gwen. God only knows, you must have the patience of a saint.

((((( BirthDad )))))I know how hard the waiting can be -- although I reunited face-to-face with my son a couple weeks after his 18th birthday, those last few years between 14 and 18 were killers. You say you sent your daughter letters throughout the years and promised you wouldn't be the first one to initiate contact. But then you say you aren't sure that her aparents ever gave her your letters. How long ago did you make that promise, and did your daughter ever communicate at all with you while she was growing up?If I were you, I would send her a handwritten letter, including a complete family medical history. Both adoptees and natural parents often use the medical history as a "buffer" of sorts to open up the door to reunion. You might want to tell her about yourself, what your hobbies are, what profession or occupation you're in, what your interests are, etc. Don't be surprised, though, if you don't hear back from her for months. It often takes a lot of time to digest information, both for adoptees and bparents.The risk of rejection is very real...and extremely scary. But it sounds like you've got a pretty good grip on the whole adoption scene, since you've actively participated in other forums and groups. You just have to weigh the risks versus the benefits. To me, the unknown was the absolute worst. Not knowing if my son was alive or dead, happy or sad, used to eat away at me every single day. I reunited with him 23 years ago, and it's been very rough water at times due to his mental health issues and history of addiction. Right now, he is not speaking to me -- which is okay. Eventually he may come back...or he may not -- my door will always be open for him if he wants to walk through it.

I struggled writing letters every year for about the first 6-7 years after my daughter was born. I did not keep copies of what I'd written then, and just blacked out everything except for remembering that I wrote "I'm sorry" a lot. The parents wrote back sometimes, but not very much. Looking back, I was just so young, so ignorant, and so depressed. I stopped writing for about 13 years. Later on, I had 2 young kids (a baby and a toddler) that just brought everything back for me on what I had given up. In 4 years, I probably tripled my letter writing to my now adult daughter and to her parents through the agency. I received one letter back from the parents, which I'm grateful for. I wish it was more, and I wish I'd actually heard from my daughter directly, but it is what it is. They said they still had the letters, that my daughter had a lot going on in her life right then, that she had not expressed much interest in her bio origins growing up, etc. Either the parents are lying, or it's true and she is not interested in "that part of her life" right now. To this date, I've never received anything from my daughter. In December 2011, I wrote my last letter. In the letter, I acknowledged that it was probably going to be my last letter for the time being, and that I was not upset, but wanted her to know that I was making a choice. I wrote that the door is always open, how to get in touch with me (through the agency, ISRR, etc.), and that was when I made the promise that I would not contact her directly. During those 4 furious years of letter writing, I chronicled everything from the story of the relationship with the birthmother, to medical history, and sent about 5-6 pictures every time. I realize now that was dumb to do, as maybe I will have satisfied all of her idle curiosity, and given her no need to contact me. I mean...I've been over this I don't know how many times and tried to examine her viewpoint from every conceivable angle, read whatever books I could find, but I'll never know what her perspective is without some kind of direct contact. Ravensong, I appreciate what you wrote and the ideas you shared. Sometimes, I think I'm looking to have someone else legitimize me going back on my promise, even if that promise is wrapped inside a letter that no one has read. Gwen - this is your thread, and I am sorry to have hijacked it. I'll start a new thread once I've figured out something clever to call it. :-)

Birthdad, I read your post and you are whipping and beating for no reason. Additionally, you are demanding that you must be perfect.Whatever you did in terms of letters and pics, you did with a sense of honesty and caring.There are no books or schools to provide guidance. Those of us having been in that position have had to "wing it" on our own. You are not different. At the time you did what you felt was right and had hopes that things would turn out as you wanted.Later you moved into another part of your life with a different family, but that is separate from the love and concern that you have for your daughter.You are older now and see things through a different pair of eyes. It is unfair for you to whip and beat over the honest feelings you had so long ago.What will happen in terms of a future meeting with your daughter is unknown.What we do know is that no matter how much whipping and beating is done, it will not change the outcome. When your daughter is ready and has an interest in meeting her b-father, it will happen.Give yourself the freedom to understand that whatever you did, was done out of sincerety, honesty, and love. To expect more of yourself is unreasonable. You have done all you can do.I wish you the best.

Gwen any update on your reunion? I've seen you on here but I read this whole thread and I'm just praying you've gotten to hold that boy!

Hey Wrking! Thanks for asking. He'll turn 22 in 8 days. I'm sad to say that I still haven't met him face to face yet. We chat on fb and via email occasionally. He says that he would love to meet me and his little brother someday, but "someday" never seems to come. He is very close to his parents. I think that he is afraid of hurting their feelings by having a real relationship with me. Also, he's a 22 year old man who works full time and has a very full social calendar. There's really not a whole lot of room in his life right now. I just try to let him know that I would love to have a relationship with him without pushing myself on him. He knows my door is open whenever he's ready to come on in. It's a delicate balance that is so hard to keep sometimes.