21 year old, Single.....3 months prgnant with Twins! Need advice

This was posted by a birthmother -- 29 Things I Wish I Knew Before Adoption Entered My Life -- You probably have to cut and paste it... [url]http://www.musingsofthelame.com/search?q=29+Things[/url]

My only advice is to really research adoption as well as your feelings. As a prospective adoptive mom it would be difficult for all involved if you rushed into any decisions. You are not just looking at your life, but the lives of your unborn babies as well as any others that will become involved in your lives. As a Christian, I would suggest you talk with your pastor/minister about what you are feeling. Perhaps there are people in the church that have gone through what you are going through now. Prayer will also help and if you can rally your church around you as you are making this decision it will really help. I admire your courage to post on this forum and that you are searching yourself and looking for advice. You are on the right track. Hang in there and pray for God to guide you with your decisions. Blessings, Karri

When I was 21, I found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death! I didn't know much, but I knew that I was going to keep my baby. I know your scared and confused, and 2 babies is very overwhelming. Do what's in your heart....I thank god everyday that I kept my daughter.... She is now 15, and an amazing young lady. I may not be perfect, and I may have missed out on a few things, but I wouldn't give it up for the world. A friend of mine just have twin girls, it's hard but she has alot of support.... It's amazing what you can handle when given the opportunity. I also thank god because my daughter is an only child, not by choice...If I had not kept her I would never have known what it was like to be a mom. God only gives us what we can handle. Good luck....

Jay-Dee, welcome to the boards. Many of the young parents I've worked with have had twins. It is a lot of work, but it's doable if that's what you choose. Each of them has had a different journey, some parenting and some placing. Having twins is a challenge, but it is something that I've seen many individuals, including young single mothers, navigate successfully. Some questions I've had "my" moms think about... What do you feel is needed to be a good parent? What resources do you have available in your life, not only for physical needs but also for emotional needs? What hopes and dreams would you have to let go if you were to choose parenting over placing? It's important to also recognize you do not need to make your decision now, in fact it is probably better not to make a decision while you are still coping with the unexpected news! You don't even need to make the decision prior to the birth, if you decide to parent and discover you really aren't able to meet the babies needs you always have the option of placing later. It's much easier (legally) to change your mind about parenting than it is about placing. I had one mother place when her infants were 6 months old, another who has just relinquished on her twin boys who are 3 (DCFS was involved in that case). If you need input on what resources may be available to help you if you choose to parent feel free to PM me.

I know I'm posting a lot of things on the birth parents forums but as an adopted kid I just want to clear up some misunderstandings that birthparents may have. Of course, I am only one person so every adoptees' feelings are different! It is your choice in the end whether or not you want to place your babies and a very hard one at that. I don't agree with some of the things the lady with the blog wrote, but some of them make sense. It is YOUR decision, but it does not hurt to talk to people about. I personally (again this is my opinion) don't think living off of government assistance is the best life you can give to a child nor should it be relied upon during parenting but a lot of people do. I think using assistance time to time is nothing to be ashamed of, but using it to parent your child is not in their best benefit. I don't agree that she may or may not have been "conned" into adoption, don't think that is right but she sounds bitter towards everyone including the adoptive parents, which I do not agree with either. A parent IS so much more deep than genetics (because how many people can give birth?), or having money (because money isn't the only thing that makes people happy) but at the same time creating the best life you can for your child is important as well (you need to decide what that is). Like my mother (adoptive) has always told me, no one is really ever "ready" for children. You can be more ready than others and more stable mentally and financially but you're never really fully there until you actually parent a child. Again, I don't appreciate the lady with the blog making it seem like the child she placed is going to be all shook up because she was not the parenting mother. I hate when that assumption is made adopted kids always have issues with feeling unwanted or hate their birth parents for "giving" (PLACED! grr) them up. Actually, I'm sorry for the editing, but some of the things on this ladies' website makes me angry! If my birth mother were to ever come at me and tell me my parents seperated us and she wanted us to be mother and son/daughter now I would probably cut off contact. Not all adoptees are like hers, and not all situations are like hers either. Just because ONE woman with a blog feels this way, don't let it impact your decision but do realize you may have these feelings and later these feelings could affect your children. Make sure if adoption is what you want, it is actually what you want and think would be best for your children. I hope no one thinks I am undermining birth parents, but not all of them feel adoption is this travesty that "takes children away from their mothers". :/ Just because you CAN have a kid does not mean you will be a "mother" and just because you can adopt doesn't make you one either. I hope I am able to express my opinion without stepping on toes! Sometimes it is good to see varying opinions :)

Adoption is sometimes a long-term solution to something that may only be a short-term issue. I've been involved in adoptee rights for a decade or so. I've spoke to many adoptees who are fine with being adopted and feel that it didn't effect their lives. I've spoken to many bmoms -- not one has said that giving a child up for adoption didn't effect them drastically. It changes who you are. It's something that has lifelong and generational repercussions. I am NOT anti-adoption. It's just something, I feel, that has to be really, really examined very, very deeply before a mom hands over her child. IMHO

This sounds like the answer to almost every "Should I?" question I've ever heard from an expectant mother. So well put. I placed my son because of short-term problems (unemployed at the time, etc.), and while I think he's got fantastic adoptive parents, I do wish that I'd had a counselor sit me down and say, "Okay, but what about a year from now? What about five years from now?" I am not at all bitter about my adoption experience, but adoption wounds birthmoms deeply even under the best of circumstances.

From a differing viewpoint, parenting can also bring it's own pain, especially if you realize you are not in a position to be a safe parent (not sure if this is the case at all with Jaydee, but she did mention a concern that she could not be alone with the babies). For my friend, waiting 3 years to place her boys, then having DCFS step in and take control because of ongoing neglect, has been heartbreaking and the boys have additional challenges they probably will never recover from because she & her boyfriend truly weren't ready for parenting (even though, without question, they loved the boys dearly) and had ongoing mental health issues that didn't get treated properly because they were caught up in trying to take care of the boys. She will never forgive herself for putting her boys through years of neglect, even though she was trying to do the "right" thing. Also, government assistance doesn't last forever. Now with TANF you have 3 years in your entire life to become financially stable on your own. It can be extremely helpful while you pursue an educational/employment possibilities, but if you're planning on using it as sole support it's not going to happen. Is there the possibility that you will be able to pursue options for increasing your income potential while parenting? Or will you end up completely overwhelmed by the task of trying to work full time while raising two infants? Daycare bills for two babies would be in the range of $8 an hour, can you make enough to pay daycare and other expenses as well? Money does not a parent make, and kids can survive without all the "extras" in life, but food and shelter is a neccesity. Yes, placement always effects the birthmother, those feelings will probably never go away. But parenting also comes with its own set of long term challenges, which can also be wounding. A counselor is a great idea, my suggestion would be to find one not associated in any way either by an adoption agency or a planned parenting clinic, or with a religious organization that may believe one way or the other. In theory, counselors should be completely nonjudgemental, but it doesn't always happen. Your local college/university may be able to provide low cost counseling sessions, or if you qualify for Medicaid their mental health clinic probably can.

I hope that you keep in mind that your baby is an innocent party in this scenario. If you cannot give your baby a stable, safe, and secure home & environment, I am hoping that you choose adoption. I am an adoptee and I am so thankful that I was adopted as my birthmother was very unstable-economically, physically and emotionally.

Wishing you the best for your pregnancy. Should you consider adoption, my husband and I are wanting to adopt. Twins would be a double blessing. We both are christian and looking forward to becoming parents. (adding an arrow to our quiver) Either way... Blessings to you and these babies

JaydeePLEASE.....you do not have to make a decision BEFORE you deliver your twins. WAIT. Adoption should not be your first option......but your LAST option. It sounds like you have people in your life who will support you and HELP you. Be patient with yourself and your concerns. There is NO HURRY!!! Take all the time you need to make an informed and wise decision based on truth and not panic.Read and talk to as many mother's of loss as you can, particularly mother's who have lived their entire adult lives missing their surrendered child. Talk to older adoptees. Be educated so you can make a decision based on facts -- not someone offering to make life easy for you by offering your babies to someone's else's home.You are precious and wise.......take care of YOU. Your babies are fortunate to have a wise and concerned mother. I wish you well.......

This thread is almost a year old. The twins have already been born.

yes, I saw after I posted. Back after several years and just did not check the date.

Wait. That''s what you do. Don''t rush into any kind of adoption agreement. You will regret it later. I was young and unmarried and the father dumped me too, but you are never alone if you call out to God. He is a father to the fatherless and a husband to the husbandless. Read Isiah 54, I believe it is. That was a good chapter for me when I lost my fiance with my oldest son, and my husband later who decided he didn't want to stay married and support a child that wasn't his flesh and blood. Rhonda

Jay-Dee!! I am 21, and 4 months pregnant with twins. I am also single. I would love to get into contact with you. I am in no position to raise one baby, let alone TWO! I am still in school, but the idea of handing them over to someone else is very scary too. Email me katiejane16@yahoo.co