any suggestions for control issues?

Stick to your guns! You are absolutely right - if she is having a cow over opening and closing doors, then she does not get to open or close doors.In the morning, ask her what color sippy cup (or whatever) she would like. If she manages that control well, tell her what a good job she did and get on with her day - but that's the cup she uses for the day, no changing, no whining, and lots of praise, "Daddy, didn't she do a good job at being in charge of her cup?"When she is content with that (meaning happy, not bitter, not asking for more control) then give her something else. "Would you like the Winnie the Pooh (Kubus Pujatka - spelling's probably wrong) plate or the Tigger plate?" Again,when she's managing that well and content, add something else.But . . . if she's being rediculous over doors, I wouldn't allow her to even touch a door for a long, long time. Yes, it may sound a little drastic, but I'd rather be drastic and nip this in the bud with a 4 year old than blow it off and have to deal with this 10 years later.For what it's worth, my boys have just recently (they've been home almost two years) been allowed to talk when my husband and I aren't in the room because they're pathological liars. Again - nip it in the bud sooner rather than later!

interesting - I only really have one sippy cup - but I can come up with something she can have control over and see how it goes. The praise works for other things like choosing to be a big girl and use words instead of a baby and yelling. So my guess is it will work here as long as we are consistent. I've also asked my son not to rub it in her face when he does get to open the door instead of her. Question, do you think it is enough to say she can't touch the door until/unless we tell her she can? So on some days if she is listening and not having issues we can tell her - you can open or close the door today and on other days we won't give her that ability? Or no doors at all for awhile? She is also having issues with wanting to open the car door. Of course if you open up the handle prior to the second click the door jams and you can't open it. Then she gets frustrated and we can have a tantrum if I try to help. Now I won't let her touch the door until I tell her it is okay. It annoys her since having her hand on it first is just a way of ensuring she is going to open it. Thanks for the input. I'm going to reread one of my books tonight to see if it gives other ideas. Oh - if someone has any good ideas for potty training (outside of the usual) that would be great. She seems to have some kind of issue with sitting for any length of time on the toilet (small or big). We have had to resort to no panties (and a dress). If she has on anything she goes in it and she could care less if she is dirty. But if she has no panties she can make it to the toilet. (Surprisingly enough, she will also tell you when in the pool, with pool diapers on, in enough time to get out, make it to the toilet and go.) I've thought about getting some cheap panties and cutting holes in the bottom so that she feels something on her waist but yet it won't capture anything. I'd wait a bit before pursuing but she is starting a preschool it is typically a requirement. The school has been really flexible (it is only 2.5 hours long) and given us a bit of an exemption, but I don't know how long that will last.

A month is a very short time. Your child is still dealing with being taken away from everything she has ever known, and dumped into a world where absolutely everything is new and strange She probably feels as if she has no control over anything. One way to prevent tantrums is to give her some carefully constructed opportunities to control a few things in her life. As an example, if she hoards food because she isn't used to having it readily available, give her a special cabinet that she can access at any time, and fill it with nutritious snacks, like raisins, whole wheat crackers, etc. If your child is fixated on the door to the outside, LET her be in charge of closing and opening it when you go in and out as a family, or create a rule like, "When we go outside, you open and close the door; when we come back inside, your brother opens and closes the door." If one child decides to leave the door open when it's 10 degrees outside, or to slam it, he/she will not be allowed to open or shut the door again that day. A four year old DOES have to feel in control of some things. Limited choices should be given in some areas. While you don't want to let your child go outside in her bathing suit when it's snowing, or to wear her fancy party dress to paint at her easel, there's no reason why you can't start the day with saying, "Do you want your blue shirt or your red shirt?" In fact, potty training is all about choice. A child will not train just because you say that she must. Making a big deal about the potty almost ensures a "potty war", and you will NOT win a potty war. At four and newly adopted, your child is acting like a toddler, which is perfectly normal. And one thing that toddlers do is to oppose almost anything that a parent insists on. One of the fastest ways to train a child is to let her decide whether she wants to wear underwear or pullups on any given day. If she wants to wear underwear, she has to understand that she must use the potty or toilet. If she wants to use pullups and not go to the toilet, that's OK, too. As long as the child does not abuse the privilege by trying on (and soiling) every single pair of panties in her drawer, or by pooping on the floor, you will ignore the whole subject. The potty will still be there. The potty book or video can be on the shelf if your child wants it for reading or viewing. But you won't discuss the matter unless she brings it up. When she sees that you aren't interested, it may amaze you how fast she trains, especially if she is exposed on a daily basis -- for example, at preschool -- to a group of children and can see for herself that the "big kids" all use the toilet. When she is ready to be a big kid, she will daytime train herself, accident free, in the course of a day or two. Then, let her call the shots on when she is ready to wear underwear at night, recognizing that it may be a year or more later. You do, of course, need to make your child aware that PARENTS have to control things that have to do with health and safety. Using a car seat or booster, holding a parent's hand when crossing the street, not touching the sharp knives, and going to the dentist are NOT negotiable, and tantrums or defiant behavior will have consequences. But letting a child be in charge of carrying out the bag of recyclables, while you carry out the regular trash, is not a big deal. And a newly adopted child, who is not used to having parental nurturing, DOES have to learn to accept parental help and to trust her parents. Many newly adopted kids simply don't realize that it's OK to cry if they have a boo-boo, and that parents will help them clean it and put a bandaid on it. So it's reasonable -- and especially if your child shows some signs of attachment issues -- to say that your child can't go get a bandaid on her own, but must ask you for help, if she has a boo-boo. As to siblings, even non-adopted kids have trouble establishing the rules for sharing, and have meltdowns when a sibling is allowed to do something that they think they should be doing. This is something that will go on until they are in their teens! The parent's role is to remind the siblings constantly about the need to be kind to each other and to share, to praise them for considering each other, and to punish both when they start verbal or physical fighting over something. One way to help siblings get along is to create rules that apply to or involve both children. I mentioned taking turns with opening and shutting doors. But there are lots of examples. Sister may set the table at lunch, while brother may do so at dinner. Each child has his/her own (color-coded) laundry bag and is responsible for bringing it to the laundry room on the day Mom is going to do the wash. There is a family "game night", where each child chooses a game and everyone plays it. If the two children choose different games, each will be played for 1/2 hour. If they agree on a game, it can be played for the entire hour. Brother goes to bed 1/2 hour later, because he is older, but sister gets to watch a video for 1/2 hour after dinner. And so on. But, above all, a child of four SHOULD have at least some small things in her life that she can control. So find as many as you can. Let her choose the book you will read at bedtime. Let her pick three stuffed animals that can share her bed at night, while the others are on a shelf or in the toybox. Teach her to button her buttons and tie her shoes, so that she can put on the clothes you set out for her. And don't make a fuss if she chooses to eat all her potatoes before she eats her meat, or prefers her green beans in a separate dish, not touching the potatoes. Sharon

Our son will be turning 4 next month. We've had identical problems with him since we adopted him nine months ago. An extreme stubborness over control issues. We've learnt NEVER to back down. If we ever dared to back down to one of his demands, it would mean we're inconsistent and he would lose the sense of routine and the rules. We've had to make numerous rules around the house that were clear cut. We couldn't do "you can do this on one day, but not on another." It's either you're allowed to do something in our house, or not. "You cannot run inside our house!" "You cannot race your cars on the floor." He actually settled down once he saw we were always consistent with all the rules. The rules are fairly simple and we've never bent them. "You don't finish everything off the plate, you don't get a cookie or yogurt." "You don't listen to mommy or daddy after sufficient warnings, you get your favourite toy taken away for two days." Consistency was key to helping him understand where he belongs in our family. He now understands we make the rules and we tell him what to do. For the first few months we actually had to undress him and dress him up when he refused to do it. As we did it, we would explain to him that it's okay if we help him when he can't do something fast enough (when you're standing and looking at your clothes for TEN MINUTES, that's not fast enough for us). It took him several months to accept that mommy and daddy CAN help him do things, and that he does NOT need to do everything on his own. Once he began to accept that mommy and daddy help him when he's not doing things the way we asked him to - only then we began to relinquish the control and allow him to do things on his own. It took him about a month of acceptance (this was five months into the adoption) that we help him and we do things and he has no control. He verbalized it back to us, "it's okay if mommy helps me." (not in these words, but in his own language). When we realised he accepts our parenthood, we felt more comfortable giving him back his independence as a 4 year old. A couple of days ago I was actually astonished to see him getting dressed in the morning without me asking for it, and even figuring out how to turn his shirt the right way after I pointed it was the wrong way. In the past, pointing out a shirt was the wrong way and telling him to turn it would launch him into a temper tantrum of "no!" with screaming and shouting for an hour and refusal to put shoes on, get out of the house or get in the car. I read in books that this is normal behaviour for a child who's 2 years old. I wasn't surprised that our son is one year behind developmentally, because we were told that in the report before we adopted. I treat him as a child who's a year younger than what I see in front of me. It's extremely difficult to treat a child as if he were a baby, when you're seeing a little man in front of you. But it worked for us. Today we tried to remember the last time our son had a temper tantrum over a control issue. We couldn't remember. It's been more than six weeks at least. Maybe even two months. It takes a lot of patience (something I didn't have). But in hindsight I can see we did the right thing. We first established for him the ground rules - we are your parents, we make decisions in this house, you have no control, you do not make the rules, you don't decide. I know this goes totally against what parents should be doing with their own biological child, but we had to establish for our son that WE are his parents and he can stop manipulating his caretakers to get what he wants. Now, nine months later, we have a perfectly normal young boy, who can't remember much from his past, and considers us his parents 100%. He doesn't question us. Doesn't question our control in his life. NOW, he can go ahead and be independent. He knows that any slice of independence he gets must go through an approval process from his parents. He looks at us, searches for the nod, and proceeds if we smile. If we frown, he steps away. Good luck to you. I know how frustrating it can be.

You know . . . if you have a son . . . teach him to open doors (as a gentleman, rather than a ‘me first’ big brother) for ladies when one is present, and teach her to appreciate the gesture, and then the power struggle between the two becomes a non-issue. Eventually, when there is no gentleman present and attentive, then your daughter can have an opportunity to touch her beloved doors. For now, I would absolutely say no doors (any doors, house, cars, anything), at all, for a long time. Again – when she’s completely content, then you can allow her to open a door on occasion. As you allow her to do this, slowly, every once in a while at first, then you’ll be able to teach her to always open doors for elderly, etc. We noticed that one of our boys was constantly bolting to be the first and in front of his brother (they know better than to do that with girls) in every situation possible. He now must hold back and walk behind his brother, whether we’re shopping, they’re going up to brush their teeth, getting into the car, anything. While he’s managing this requirement, I’m on the lookout to praise his humility and instill in him that to race to be the first makes him selfish, not ‘the best’. As for potty training – your daughter has (most likely) never had a ‘normal’ day in her life, and being home one month, her world is still being rocked daily. Leave her in diapers, keep her home, and allow her predictable days of security and routine in the care of her mother. The potty training will come, honest! (And if it’s any consolation, one of my boys (they’re 9 years old) was been a bed-wetter up until about 6 months ago!) Let her get the rest of her life figured out, then she’ll have attention to spare for noticing that life is so much more pleasant when she’s dry and clean.

I find this posting very interesting. I appreciate everyone's opinions and ideas. Every child is so different both in background and personality that it takes many different ideas to finally hit on the one that will work. Reading all of the different approaches really helps to see how others dealt with the same situation. I'd be interested in other areas where you ran into "typical transition issues" and what you tried that worked or didn't work. Outside of the door control issue we've been trying to encourage her to express her needs especially around needing help. So when she does ask for help we praise her ability to ask for help. She can get herself so frustrated trying to do something that she just can't do which will wind up with her throwing something or in a tizzy of a fit. Depending on how tired she is or how far into the tizzy she is we can remind her that she can ask for help. We actually won't help until she uses the words "please help" though we will stand with her at her level and let her know that we will help if she uses her big girl words, that we don't understand grunts, we encourage her to be successful doing it herself, and if appropriate remind her to breathe before trying again. This is typically things like putting on her shoes, zipping her coat, doing a puzzle, etc. So I've tried to give her the control of "asking for help" and give her resources to calm herself down so she can try. The breathing has worked surprisingly well (I was pretty skeptical when I was told I needed to teach her how to breathe so that she could control panic attacks. I understood the impact on someone other than a four year old - but four year old that was on a 2.5 year old level seemed a bit out of reach.) Yes, waiting on potty training. Hmmm - truthfully night time bed wetting doesn't really concern me at all. I figure it will come naturally after being dry in the day and working out night time issues. I will try some of the ideas for the day time that won't create a control/power struggle and try not to make too big an issue of it. Somehow I don't think it is completely control issue -for instance when she does sit on the potty she dances around and says "I did it" and runs to tell everyone in the house that she did it. It seems that sometimes she gets scared, maybe being vulnerable on the potty. I get the feeling that something happened with the potty or bathroom and we have to work on showing her that the potty, the bathroom, and the whole experience can be safe. It's almost like we don't need to potty train "per se" but work through safe, not safe issues with the process. We were told that she wasn't directly abused - but there is something in her reactions at times that just seems a bit off. Thank you for all of the detailed and helpful ideas.

Yes, I had totally forgot about breathing!My sons grew up learning that if they weren't in control they were going to be hurt or hungry, and alone. Talk about stress! When we're under stress we breathe faster or hold our breath. Bad, bad, bad.When the boys have to confess something to us they are afraid. We have them tell us their bible verses about being honest. Next are a few really deep breaths and really blowing all the air out of their lungs. Then we have them take one last super deep breath, and as they're blowing it out the spit out the truth as fast as they can with the exhale. It's like taking medicine quickly and getting it over with.These poor kids . . . we'll never really know, will we?

Okay - this weekend it was obvious the potty training had become a control issue - so I followed your advice and I packed up the toilets. We put her back in diapers instead of pull ups and we won't talk about it for awhile. We'll see how it goes.

My son also has control issues, he has been home three years. He is doing much better now. It took a lot of consistancy. When he threw a fit about something, then he was told he was not ready to handle that thing. (we had the opening doors, and pushing elevator buttons in larger buildings and such) We also had to limit TV and video games, because he would throw a fit when it was time to stop. So he had to stop until he could do it without throwing a fit at stopping time.