Waiting

I am a Christian and I have faced what you feel. I was 16 when I met my Dh...he was 19, We married when I was 20. A month later I turned 21 and we immediately began trying to have a baby. I was told by DH that he was likely never going to have kids...I on the other hand...reproductive wise was in great shape, So we began trying. Well...no success, so off we went to the fertility clinic to get help. After testing, they confirmed my husbands situation and told us we could not use HIS sperm as there was not enough there to EVER get me pregnant, he was indeed medically sterile. So we agreed to use donor sperm and after many failed cycles we just gave up. I was emotionally and physically exhausted and after all the procedures...financially tapped out. I was tested in every way, my periods were regular, I ovulated perfectly and yet I couldn't get pregnant. It just didn't make any sense. I became very depressed and would get furious when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby or even a child. I felt like it was unfair....how come they could have kids and not me? I was too young to adopt...and I couldn't afford it anyways. With no options, I moved on with my life. Well, one night my Mom invited me to a healing service at our church and DH and I got prayed over. As I drove home, frankly I did not believe anything would change. I went to work one day and was very exhausted and suddenly blurted out to my friend that "gee...I sure am very tired, I must be pregnant" At that exact moment I thought in my mind...how funny yet very sad that I even said that. I literally got angry with myself like THAT would ever happen. It had been awhile since DH and I abandoned the fertility treatments and since then had not used ANY birth control...I mean..we didn't need it!!! But then I realized my period was late so I took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE! A few days later I was driving in my car still in shock that I was pregnant...and all of a sudden, a guy who wasn't paying attention to where he was going...rear ended my car. I was thin and newly pregnant and days later I was in the emergency room...apparently miss-carrying. I couldn't believe it as they wheeled me into the OR to get a D&C..what a cruel joke..Here I was pregnant on our own with MY husband's child and now I was losing it. I was angry with GOD! After I came home from the hospital I was so sad that I went out for a drive by myself. As tears streamed down my face, I had it out with God. Within minutes I heard God say to me in my head "if you want another child...try immediately but if you take the one you must take the other" I agreed and 3 weeks later against the idiot Dr's orders I got pregnant, again on our own with no medical intervention and 9 months later at the age of 24 I delivered my first child, a little boy. I was so excited, yet still even after having the child we so desperately wanted...I still struggled with WHY I had to go through all that I did, I still emotionally was a mess. Exactly 13 months later, DH and I decided to try for another baby..first try, again on our own...we got pregnant and our second son was born. The reason I am telling you my story is because I know how it feels to want a child so bad...I know how it feels to walk past every pregnant woman and think, why them and not me. There is never a time in my mind that I don't count my blessings and realize how lucky we are to have the kids we do. I never in a million years thought just a few sperm from a "sterile" man could give us the two miracle kids we have. But here as I write this...we DO have kids...me and my DH..against all odds together. Today, when I run into any person who struggles with infertility, etc..I tell them my story...that with GOD all things ARE possible. God KNOWS WHO your kids are already....and they may be adopted...or you may end up adopting and having biological kids too. I always say..infertility though painful has taught me many things...but most importantly it has taught me that ALL Kids are a gift. God may have for you a child or two that he wants you to adopt and then later against all odds you could still get pregnant. But in the end ANY child and ALL children God gives you no matter HOW they get there are YOURS! They belong to YOU! I know how hard it is for you, But Don't ever feel angry with yourself for feeling the way you do. Give yourself time to grieve, but also don't give up on yourself either. God will in time reveal to you HOW you will have a family and It will happen. Just have faith that all things work out in the end most times better then you ever thought! I know for me and DH, since those days of wanting kids I have found out many things that made me understand NOW why I had to go through infertility, and subsequently had biological kids and now today am interested in adoption as well! Here is the truth that as a 37 year old woman I NOW know! -In my early 20's I found out the Dad who raised me my entire life was NOT my biological father, he adopted me at birth. :eek: -My Mom though was my biological Mom...so that meant I understood BOTH sides...the biological and the adoptive side and I can honestly say....IMO....they BOTH are my parents -I was with my DH infertile for 3 years -we got pregnant on our own against all odds when I was 23 on our OWN..go figure! :woohoo: -I experienced a so-called Miscarriage..later would find out at the age of 26 that...it may not have been a miscarriage after all...to make a long story short...I have a tipped uterus and the Dr. didn't see the baby on a normal sonogram and assumed I was losing the pregnancy. Later I would find out....the truth. The baby was likely hiding as they did not do a vaginal ultrasound. (guess it would explain why the dr. immediately after surgery was skittish and dropped me as a patient at 23 years old calling me "high risk" :eek: :eek: :eek: Huh? and then refused to give me any of my medical records! My new doc did eventually demand and get some records, but many of the "important" records were conveniently missing...hmmm?) -despite all of the above's shocks, pains, and sadness and yes even anger and then at times joy and awe..it gives me a greater appreciation for the true gift all kids are! It makes me realize that life's pains may be deep and cutting but still in life..there is a bigger plan for all of us. We go through things to learn, to understand and yes to get prepared for God's bigger purpose for our lives. I Know for me...because of all the above things and even more on top of all of that to boot..God has taught me compassion, understanding, kindness, loyalty, love and many more things. All these things make me a better person, and a better mother! No matter what you are going though, or feeling....understand that once you have YOUR child in your arms..all of it that has happened to you WILL make sense. It is in the hands of God that we are molded...and though the process sometimes is long and sad...when he is done...you will be the most beautiful, best YOU, you can be and that is when your child will arrive....welcomed into the arms of the most amazing MOM on earth, YOU! Just don't give up your dream of kids...don't worry HOW they come....just as long as they do. Someday, you will look back and have the answers for WHY? God Bless!

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me hope when I see how God can turn such a tragedy around. I know that God allows us to go through trials to teach us something. I guess I am still learning. Thanks again, Katy

Just give yourself time. Trying to move on, even though I am sure you are excited about adopting...it is still VERY hard. You are still grieving the loss of everything that comes with "expecting" and like you said....you want to experience all of that. And of coarse you are going to feel that way! But you are so right...talking about it does help. In my case, talking always helps. It never takes the pain away by talking...but it does so help to get my mind wrapped around how I feel, and that in turn does help to make sense of the pain, and over time lessens it. I don't think for me the pain ever went away...but now when I look back, I can see the good that came out of all the pain I endured. And had you asked me that back then. I couldn't have said that. Afterall...no matter what I was going though back then...life was hard on top of the infertility. Why? Because not only was I trying hard to build a family with my Dh, but during that same time...I was losing family. My dad who raised me, the one who I found out adopted me passed away suddenly. A few months before..I lost 2 sisters...one who I never knew(she was my biological fathers daughter-she was killed horribly and tragically) and the other sister who I grew up with who was killed in a plane accident who I was very close too. Like I needed even more pain to carry! Life was not easy. I have no idea what your life looks like or whether you are struggling with other issues. But if you are...though I can't make it better for you and though I don't know you..I still wish I could make it better for you. But all I can do is tell you my LONG story and hope that you KNOW you are not alone. I also hope other people write in and tell you their story. When I was going though all of my life's trials..I had no internet, I had no one to talk to about things. I kept my infertility a secret, and the pain as well. I know now..like you said...talking it out does help. And yes doing it on the internet IS easier. So good luck to you and AGAIN know you are not alone! God Bless!

Katy, I am so sorry you are going through all of this. Right now I am wondering what kind of practical joke God must be playing me. In my heart, I know that is not His nature, but He is doing things I just don't understand and feel lost. I am not in your exact position now, but my heart hurts for you nonetheless. I do hope that you will have the peace that you seek. Hang in there.

Katy, I can completely understand where you are. I want to tell you my LONG story. I met my DH in Feb 2005 at training in Tx, a month later the military transferred him to a base in Ne. In April I was transferred to Las Vegas. During this time, DH and I were actively trying to make a long-distance relationship work. At the beginning of May I made a huge mistake. I slept with a guy in the dorms. I wasn't going to tell DH about Dan, but I found out I was pregnant. So I had to tell. I spent the next 9 months bouncing back n forth between adoption and keeping the baby. A lot of factors went into my decision, which I won't get into now. In the end, I chose to place my daughter. She was born 16 Jan 06. She was perfect. 3 days later my mother and I drove to the agency and placed her into the arms of another couple. I could not ask for a better family for my child to grow up with. They are her "real" family, I was just God's tool. What followed was the hardest year of my life. Along with the grief for my daughter, I was trying to make it work with DH. In Jan 07, he had a vasectomy. The docs (in training) that did it told him they took out almost 3x the amount the were supposed to. Basically, it can never be reversed. We married in Feb 07. In September we transferred to Okinawa Japan. In the fall of 2008, I caught a really bad case of "baby fever". We have sat down plenty of times and had discussions about our choices. We are going to wait until we get back to the States to persue any type of alternate method. Currently we are leaning toward using a donor to get pregnant. I would also love to adopt. We still have almost 3 years before we will be sent home, so lots of time to change our mind. Now, we are saving money and attending counseling. Now, here's the kicker. I work in the Women's Health clinic. We have walk ins for pregnancy testing. Every day I get to tell other women that they are pregnant. I even have to give them the names of the clinics on this island that will perform abortions. It hurts so much for me to think that instead of giving their child a chance at a happy home they would end thier life. I'm angry, ashamed at being angry, and sad. I try and fill my time with things that will uplift me. I teach nursery at church. I read good books, books that give me hope and peace. I pray daily for the strength to continue. I attend counseling. I cry. I give lots of hugs. I listen to others problems. I get angry. I get sad. I'm disappointed. But I never regret my choice. I hope this helps. It sure helped me to write it out.