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I gave my daughter up for adoption 15 years ago. I chose the adoptive parents and met them before the birth of our daughter. We had a verbal agreement that we would exchange letters and pictures. Over the first few years, they held their end of the agreement. I received letters and pictures every few months. But the last letter and pictures I have recieved was on Dec. 24, 1999. The adoptive mother has called me twice since then on Christmas Eve. And she did call me in Oct of 2001 to let me know they were not personally injured/affected by 9/11. (they are from NY) I have sent letters to let them know how I am and what has been going on in my life. But I have gotten no response. I have sent Sarah birthday presents. And again, no response. I know they have busy lives. And I know how hard it can be to find time to sit down and write a letter. A short note to let me know Sarah is fine and a wallet size school picture once a year is all I want. Not too much to ask for. By mistake, the hospital that our daughter was born at, sent me a bill from her birth. It was sent to my address but had the adoptive mothers name. From that name, I have looked them up on google. I know where they live and what school Sarah goes to. I have never used that information. I just kind of look once in awhile to see how they are doing. See if there is anything new. I have no plans on contacting them. I don't want to interfere with their lives. But at the same time, I am angry that they are no longer in contact with me. Just because I gave her up for adoption doesn't mean I don't love her and want to know how she is. I often wonder who she looks like. What types of activities she is into. I wonder if she is like me when I was that age. I don't know what to do anymore. Should I keep writing them? I don't try to guilt them into writing me. I usually ask for a return letter at the end of my letter. I feel there is more I should be doing but I don't know what. I miss Sarah so much. I just want to see a picture. I used to feel closer to her when I got those letters in the past. It also helped me deal with the loss. I feel like the hole in my heart grows bigger with every passing birthday and holiday that I don't hear from them. What should I do? Should I wait for 3 more years when she turns 18 and then try to contact her directly? UGH......I am so confused!!!!!
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If you know what school she attends, you can contact the school and ask to buy a yearbook. That will give you her school photo and information about any sports or clubs she may be participating in at the school. You do not have to specify what your relationship is or to whom you are related -- just a supportive allumni!
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I am so sorry you have stopped receiving the promised updates. I can imagine that is very devastating. I didn't have a formal arrangement, but my son's parents sent pictures and short updates and sometimes longer letters all throughout his life, and I know first hand how much that helped in my healing after placing him. I also realize how fortunate I was to get these things. It was not required of my son's parents to send, but almost every time I would ask for an update, I got something. Some years were skipped, and I realize people do get busy, but then the next year I would have something.
Did you place through an agency, and can you speak with them, and can they maybe act as an intermediary for you?
I think I would continue to send them letters for the main reason being that your daughter will know you are still thinking of her and holding up your side of things. I would also keep copies of every piece of correspondence, in case the parents are not giving her the letters, you can show her someday if you reunite that you never stopped loving her and thinking of her.
Does your daughter maybe have a Facebook or Myspace page? At least you could see pictures that way, assuming she has a site that isn't private.
I would try to get your daughter's parents to understand how difficult it is for you not seeing her photo, and how much it means to you, without making them feel bad (even though I think they SHOULD feel bad!). I hate when first moms have to tiptoe around their kids' parents, but the reality is, they hold all the cards and you don't want to risk pushing them further away.
If I didn't hear anything, then yes, I would attempt to reach out at 18, with the understanding that your daughter may not be ready for contact, but just let her know your door is open for when/if she is.
I have made myself gray trying to put myself in the emotional shoes of my daughters adoptive mom.
I can't imagine what an a-mom tells herself that makes it alright in her mind to "dismiss" a birthmother. You have my sympathy and admiration. I wonder what I would have done in your shoes. I know for certain that when she turns 18 I would seek her out.
I don't have any wise advice for you, other than the ideas the others have already given you. I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you are going through this. I know only too well what it is like to live with no answers to how your child is doing, is he/she still healthy, happy, what they look like, etc. I gave my son up for adoption 30 years ago, it was a closed adoption. The only thing that got me through it was prayer ~ prayers for me, my child and for his parents. I was lucky, my prayers were answered & I was reunited with my son this year. I hope you do get to have news of your daughter soon. You must have faith that one day you will again meet your daughter ~ maybe when she is 18, maybe not till she is 30 or even 40. Good luck, I hope your daughters parents do the right thing and resume contact with you.
Susie
Every thing that has been said is good advise, the only change I would make is that, try to look at the wait in terms of when the person is ready. Putting years on it is daunting, but when I look at it, I try to remind myself that if it is to happen, it will only happen when the time is right. it is that kinda peace that I can live with. Trying to figure out when, would just drive me nuts...and has.
Hang in there, many here have been where you are now, and different results.
I do like my facebook.
My daughter is 16, and now I have a :airplane: ticket!
tick tick tick, 16 days to go.
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I can sympathize completely. I don't have much advise to give as I am pretty much in the same boat except my Sarah is 11. I keep looking for something concrete online to know how they are. No luck yet. I don't think the aparents that stop sending things really understand what it does. It's not knowing that sparks our almost obsessive need to find out if our child is okay.
And I really like the idea of buying a yearbook..... Hmmmmm.... Never thought of that before.... Maybe I'll go to the school website next...
Most school yearbooks can be purchased online through a school website or at Jostens.com. Many schools do sales direclty through the publisher now to help save time and money.
Best of luck to you with this. I have no advice for you other than to keep sending letters. Maybe one of them will result in a return letter.
Same thing happened in my situation, except that it was me that quit writing. Then she contacted me and we met just 6 days ago! I would suggest that you continue writing to her and find a place, like here, to vent your anger, disappointment, loss, and the hole in your heart. I, too, discovered the aparent's last name but did not use that information. I looked my daughter up on facebook after she contacted me. "What should I do?" Focus on what you have today. Remember that you chose good people to parent your child.
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Wow..this is the closest I've read that is similar to my situation. The last letter I received which was many many years ago, was that my daughter was great, developing well and basically that it was time for me to move on. Well, as of last week, my son's contacted my daughter ( after much work of trying to locate her and finally reaching her through the internet) and she's is ecstatitc and has expressed so much LOVE for both of them and has been in contact with them each day. I want to wait a bit before I actually make any contact with her but for now, she's 16 and absolutley has fallen in love with her 13 & 14 year old brothers. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do. I've never understood and still don't know why so many adoptive parents make an agreement and then go back on their word....whatever the reason may be. Maybe one day I will ask my daughter's adoptive parents. But none the less, I wish you well in whatever you decide and hope that it's a choice that works out for ALL of you.
The last letter I received which was many many years ago, was that my daughter was great, developing well and basically that it was time for me to move on.