Soooo Upset!!

We did have great communication until all of this. We were really close throughout her pregnancy and she was very open with me about everything. I tried to keep lines of communication open but she is "too busy" or at least that's what she tells me. Our families are really close....my mom and dad and her dad have known each other for 20 years and she lives 2 miles from my house. Because we see each others family members quite a bit, I hear these things. The first time I heard something in a round about way, I asked her why she didn't tell me (when DD's bfather moved in with her from 200 miles away) and she said she "forgot". Really? She didn't forget to tell my mom and dad when she saw them. Same thing with the pregnancy....my mom called her house to talk to her dad and she spilled her guts within 2 seconds. A week later, my mom was over her dad's house (where she lives) and she proceeded to tell her even more stuff that I didn't even know about. My mom told her that it made her uncomfortable to know all this stuff and that she should call me and talk to me about it. My mom said that she just kept on talking about it, even when my mom's jaw was on the floor with all her revelations. I know you all don't know all the details of our last year together but let me say that the more we get to know her on this side of the adoption, the more I'm not sure what to believe. We have had little road bumps but nothing we haven't been able to talk about and get over. For instance, her dad is a doctor and when DD had a minor medical issue (reflux) I was telling her about it and as usual, she was telling me what I should do. She used the phrase "my dad won't like that". I politely told her that we had it under control and that DD would be fine but then an hour later I get a phone call from her dad telling me that she had told him that I wasn't handling it properly and he wanted to know what was going on. I told him that she was fine (in my own medical profession I deal with reflux babies quite a bit) and that we had it under control. The next time we talked she said again, "I told you my dad wouldn't like it" and admittedly I got a little heated and told her "well your dad doesn't get a vote". I also told her that I didn't appreciate her "tattling" on me to her dad and that if this was going to work, then she had to let me and my DH be the parents and make the decisions. I know the reason she hasn't told me herself about the pregnancy is that she knows how I feel about it, being that we talked about it several times, including at the hospital when she refused a prescription for birth control pills. I remember telling her "ok...but you will have to explain that to DD if you get pregnant again"...she laughed it off and said "no way, I learned my lesson this time". That's the kind of relationship we used to have...completely open and honest, from both of us. Now, I get information from other people. At least I have enough respect for her to call her anytime there is news about DD. I call her after every doc appt to tell her how much DD weighs and how pleased the doc is with her health and we chat for a bit about how fast she is growing up. I even called her to let her know the finalization date even though she waived her right to be there. I am trying to keep the lines of communication open but it is really starting to be one-sided. I told her recently that if she ever wants me to stop calling/texting and give her some space that all she has to do is let me know. She said "no way...I love hearing about DD!" In all honesty, if it continues this way I will stop calling bc I can't maintain a one-sided relationship. If she can't make the effort then I don't know what else to do...this is exhausting.

Amilynn, If and when a birth/first mother decides to become pregnant after relinquishment is her own parenting choice. I'm absolutely positive that you would resent it if your child's first mother questioned or complained about your own parenting choices. Why do you question her's? Do you think that birth/first mothers should never have subsequent children? Or is it just the timing of the pregnancy that upsets you so??

Amilynn, I get that your concern for your DD is strong and you're looking ahead to how OA is going to work for her and the rest of your family. I think you've overlooked what your daughter's first mother is going through. Relinquishing a child is actually much more devastating than one expects. Several people suggested abortion during my first pregnancy. I wouldn't consider it. Five years after reliquishing my firstborn finding I was pregnant again, I sought abortion immediately. The anguish of losing my daughter was something I couldn't repeat. It changes the mother no matter what her motivations were. Rereading your initial post you might see how your attitude could influence her ability to be open and vulnerable with you. Your emotional investment is obviously with your DD and your immediate family. This woman has had a tremendous hole ripped into her reality and is going to have to put herself back together while navigating and nurturing an open adoption. It's not easy.

Paige, I'm SO sorry. That's horrible!

Ravensong: Did you not read my post where I talked about how she DOES question my parenting choices?? I take it with a grain of salt (without letting her walk all over me) because I know she is going through something terribly traumatic. I think most of you are missing my point. I am not questioning her parent choices and I am questioning her commitment to our open adoption "agreement" for lack of a better term. I don't have an issue with her timing...that's her business. I have an issue with her saying one thing and doing another. I guess technically she doesn't have any obligations toward DD but that's not how she portrayed her active role (her words) in DD's life. I want her to follow through with what she set out to do so that her reasoning (or what she plans to tell DD) does not become invalid. If she wants to have a baby before she 'gets herself together" (her words) then I can't stop her and wouldn't want to. I have already said that I really do think that one day she'll be a great mother. Only an unbelievably selfless person can do what she did (if she did it for the reasons she told us). I just think that she doesn't realize that if she does have a baby before she "gets herself together" then DD will know that her reasons weren't true. I'd like to think I'll raise a smart enough kid who could figure that out! Who knows, DD might not even care. I just know that it means alot more to a kid when an adult they care about follows through on their word. Oh and by the way.....she doesn't get to see "my attitude". We have not discussed any of this and I ONLY vent my frustrations here. I would never be, nor have I ever been, insensitive towards her regardless of what you might think. AND, I think birthmothers have every right to have more children when they decide to! It would be ridiculous to think otherwise.

IDK. I've been told I was selfless and brave when I gave up my firstborn, but I didn't buy it. I felt helpless and desperate. How soon do you expect your DD to start asking her firstmom why she gave her to you to raise? The "truth" behind that decision was the truth of that moment, that level of experience and information. As she "gets herself together" or not her experience and information and level of awareness will change and so will her truth. If you are able to stay open with her, you and your daughter and her first mom will all grow and see the changes in each other. Good luck on your journey.

Ami, you seem to be stuck on the "reasons" she gave you for placing her child, but those reasons cannot be adequately summed up in just a few sentences. It's a very complex issue, and I'm sure there are many more "reasons" that are both conscious and subconscious, some that can be better articulated than others and some that cannot be articulated at all. I would not get caught up in this. You talk about your concern over how your daughter will take this, but I think there is also a risk in making such an issue out of it that could transfer to your daughter in a negative way. Your daughter may or may not accept her first mom's reasons for placing her. That is her issue to work through with her first mom when and if the time comes. If the questions come up (i.e. "why did my birth mother place me and then keep her next child so soon after having me??") the truth still stands: "Your birth mother felt at the time she was pregnant with you that she was not ready, but felt more prepared the second time" (or better still "I cannot answer that for your birthmother, but you can certainly ask her!"). And often when you go through something as monumentally emotionally upheaving as placing a child, it DOES change you very quickly. I know it did for me. I can also assure you, after having done it once, I would not be able to consider adoption again. It is truly that painful, and I was not coerced or pressured to place. So if I had an unintended pregnancy shortly after placing, my options would be either terminating the pregnancy or keeping and raising my child. I'm sure it could be explained to your daughter in an age-appropriate way, that placing a child is a very difficult thing to do, even under the very best of circumstances. Is it so bad to say that her birth mom simply could not do it again because of the inherent difficulty of it all? That it IS a tremendous loss that one does not easily come to terms with, and that for most women, being faced with going through that again is simply too much to bear? To me, those "reasons" are the reasons you should be focused on, because as much as someone wishes to "better themselves and finish school and are not ready to parent" the truth of the matter is, they almost always wish they could have raised their child, no matter how much they feel adoption is the "best choice." The reasons your daughter's first mom gave to you were most likely the only way she could make sense of the whole situaution, and most likely valid for her at the time she gave them, or maybe not. The reasons could also have been "fed" to her by parents, peers, social workers, or anyone else for that matter ("Don't you think you should finish school? "You're not ready yet, and this baby deserves someone who is!" "You're too young, a baby will ruin your life!" etc., etc.). And I have to say, when you are pregnant and considering adoption, it is very easy to say things like "I want to finish school" or "I'm not ready to be a parent" and then after the baby, feel completely differently. Why do you insist she hold herself so rigidly to what she told you initially in such an emotionally complex situation? There seems to be a control issue here that really doesn't serve anyone well at all. I would also take into consideration the birth mother's age here, and level of maturity. Then I would let it go.

I have been doing a bit of thinking about these posts. One thing that you mention a lot is how you are concerned about DD. That's fabulous, it's obvious you love her dearly. I really do think that a lot of children's attitudes are affected greatly by their parents attitudes. I've been so lucky because my son grew up knowing he was adopted and knowing that I was young when I relinquished him and knowing that I did it out of love for him and wanting a better life. His amom has had some issues about us reuniting BUT the fact that he grew up with that atmosphere means that he is an extraordinarily well adjusted adoptee. So I understand that you feel frustrated with your situation with DD's birthmom, but try not to let that show to DD! You've gotten some GREAT advice about how to deal with questions and so on. It doesn't need to be a panic moment. :-)

Just an observation and something I've been learning as an adoptive parent.If and when your daughter has specific questions about her bmom's choices or more children, I think those are answers you can leave to her bmom. I understand the stress and frustration over trying to come up with suitable answers and also dealing with our own feelings on things. However, one thing I'm figuring out (I think! LOL!) is that some answers really are not my place to give. Simply because I really don't have them. I have opinions of course, and some answers but there are some I truly just don't have and those are going to have to be answered by my kids other mom. I think the same can be applied here to the questions you feel your daughter might have and how you'll answer those. It really might just be a case of " She said x & y when she placed you, but after that, I'm not really sure. Sometime you can ask her about that".I found some relief in realizing I don't have to have all the answers for my children. I understand the WANT and desire, and no one wants to see their child hurt, but sometimes we just really don't have all the concrete answers. And...it's OKAY.:)

Ami, I remember when I found out my DD's birth parents were having another baby (they got pg about 10 months or so after DD was born), I was "annoyed." It was a combo of a lot of things, but the main factor was the "how the heck am I going to explain this one to DD?" type feeling (she also has an older sister that her birth parents parent). I was also annoyed with her birth mom's therapist who apparently told her having another baby would be "cathartic" (as if children are replaceable). I vented about it here (and only here of course)...I was also very supportive to DD's birth mom. (In fact, she kept this pg "hidden" for six or seven months...I was one of the first people to know). I can't say with certainty that this won't "hurt" DD someday to realize. But after it happened, DH (who also is an adoptee) made a really good point to me which was: we are responsible for our actions and they are responsible for theirs. In a way it was sort of "liberating" because I think I had taken on all this "stuff" that really wasn't mine to take on (wanting DD's birth mom to be "OK' with everything, etc.). It sounds like maybe on both ends, you guys are a little too "involved" with each other (I can see this happening in a friend/family adoption situation) and you can step back and sort of re-evaluate? I can also tell you that the "worries" about what your kid will think sort of subside. It's all sort of "what ifs." My DD is four and a half and has never asked any of those "tough" questions. I am sure she will one day and I will tell her what I have told her all along which is simply that "A and B" love her and wanted us to be her parents. It is sort of that simple (from our end) to explain. I suppose if she needs more, she can ask her birth parents. (Oddly, my DH has had a sort of "weird" reunion (email only) with his birth mom and he said he really didn't care what her reasons were for placing and he hasn't asked her....he assumed she had good ones, you know?). Anyway, I just wanted you to know that i have been there and I "get it."

As many people have said here, placing a child changes you a lot. Just because your DD's bmom was not ready to parent then, does not mean she is not now. She may be in a different state of mind now. A state of mind she was not in before. Her financial stability does not have had to have changed for her heart to have changed. Many adoptive parents have to explain difficult stories to children. Many children from foster care have difficult stories that they must deal with. Kids look to us for how WE handle it and go from there. If YOU can't handle this in calm manner, than your daughter will pick that up. My kids bmom is going to have to explain to them why she made the choices she did someday. I don't have those answers. And even after all of the poor choices my kids bmom has made, it is not may place to judge her for those choices. It is my place to raise my kids with the understanding that she was not prepared to parent at that time. SHE can tell them why. I can supply some details but she will hold the keys to their understanding.

This sums up my feelings so perfectly. :loveyou: After I relinquished my son, I wanted to get pregnant right away--the hormones really did a number on me. I knew that it was a terrible idea, but if my boyfriend had wanted a child...shoot, who knows what might have happened. I'm glad that it didn't come up. After I had recovered from the birth, my boyfriend and I were talking about our birth control options, and he wasn't taking it very seriously until I said, flat out: "The next time I get pregnant, we're having a baby." I could never surrender again, and that will probably be a part of the story we tell my placed son--it was so heartbreaking to lose you that we couldn't go through that again. I'm going to stop talking now, but Peachy, jeez, every part of that quote is so valuable and true.

Peachy - Great response!!! For me, it would have been less about my circumstances changing (school, housing, income, etc.) that led me to parent a subsequent child, and more about the fact that I as a person changed. I don't think I could walk down that road twice. My reason for not placing a second child would be in no way related to my reason for placing my first child. And, I would be very upset if Cupcake's Mom made assumptions/judgements on the reasons that I've given her for placing my daughter.

Amilynn... I completely understand your frustration with explaining that situation to your daughter. I also will have a hard time explaining the situations of my AS's Bparents to them. My situation is different because I am a foster parent, and received my oldest DS at birth - his Bparents were married....4 months and 20 days later I get another placement - the birth of my second DS. He has the same Bfather as my other son. My youngest is the product of an affair of Bfather and the neighbor. Because of foster care, I had to remain in contact with the Bparents...but through the court their parental rights were terminated, and finally our adoptions were finalized in Feb and Dec of 2008. Much to my surprise, again in Aug Bfather had yet another child (not with his wife) A daughter that is in foster care in another state. To make this even more complicated, the mother of this child is my youngest son's older sister. Now, not only do I have to explain that my boys are only 4 1/2 months apart in age, not twins - but I also have to worry about how and when to tell them that they have a younger sister...To my oldest son - a half sister on his Bfathers side. To my youngest son - a half sister on his Bfathers side, and his neice. I think the point that I'm trying to make is that alot of times people just aren't responsible for their actions. In dealing with the parents that I've dealt with, I see your DD"s BMother as an irresponsible child that will continue to make mistakes that effect other people, until she finally grows up. Maybe that's really mean to say, but with the way kids are these days, alot of kids are not being held responsible for their actions. Adoption gave her a way out of the situation without intruding on her life. So the lesson may not have been learned - you might say...therefore, getting pregnant again was no big deal. I just wanted to say that I understand how upset you were, and even though I don't know the situation, this is only my opinion!!! I, too wonder how I will explain things to my boys....and it is frustruating!!! Erica:o Married 12-95:happydance: First Bio Daughter Born 6-99:female: Second Bio Daughter Born 5-01:female: Became Foster Parents 7-04:woohoo: Foster Son Born 8-16-06:male: Home With Us 8-19-06:clap: Second Foster Son Born 1-6-07:male: Home With Us 1-8-07:clap: Finalization of First Son 2-22-08:cheer: Finalization of Second Son 12-24-08:cheer: Fostered 18 Kids Between 7-04 and 12-08:love: Our Family Is Complete - He Says...:grouphug: There's Always Room For One More - I Say:evilgrin:

Amilynn... I completely understand your frustration with explaining that situation to your daughter. I also will have a hard time explaining the situations of my AS's Bparents to them. My situation is different because I am a foster parent, and received my oldest DS at birth - his Bparents were married....4 months and 20 days later I get another placement - the birth of my second DS. He has the same Bfather as my other son. My youngest is the product of an affair of Bfather and the neighbor. Because of foster care, I had to remain in contact with the Bparents...but through the court their parental rights were terminated, and finally our adoptions were finalized in Feb and Dec of 2008. Much to my surprise, again in Aug Bfather had yet another child (not with his wife) A daughter that is in foster care in another state. To make this even more complicated, the mother of this child is my youngest son's older sister. Now, not only do I have to explain that my boys are only 4 1/2 months apart in age, not twins - but I also have to worry about how and when to tell them that they have a younger sister...To my oldest son - a half sister on his Bfathers side. To my youngest son - a half sister on his Bfathers side, and his neice. I think the point that I'm trying to make is that alot of times people just aren't responsible for their actions. In dealing with the parents that I've dealt with, I see your DD"s BMother as an irresponsible child that will continue to make mistakes that effect other people, until she finally grows up. Maybe that's really mean to say, but with the way kids are these days, alot of kids are not being held responsible for their actions. Adoption gave her a way out of the situation without intruding on her life. So the lesson may not have been learned - you might say...therefore, getting pregnant again was no big deal. I just wanted to say that I understand how upset you were, and even though I don't know the situation, this is only my opinion!!! I, too wonder how I will explain things to my boys....and it is frustruating!!! Erica:o Married 12-95:happydance: First Bio Daughter Born 6-99:female: Second Bio Daughter Born 5-01:female: Became Foster Parents 7-04:woohoo: Foster Son Born 8-16-06:male: Home With Us 8-19-06:clap: Second Foster Son Born 1-6-07:male: Home With Us 1-8-07:clap: Finalization of First Son 2-22-08:cheer: Finalization of Second Son 12-24-08:cheer: Fostered 18 Kids Between 7-04 and 12-08:love: Our Family Is Complete - He Says...:grouphug: There's Always Room For One More - I Say:evilgrin: