I'm a bad bmom!

Well, I'm an adoptee, and I don't think you're a bad person. Pullback is a very normal thing in reunions. If you read around these forums, you'll see it happens all the time for lots of reasons. It sounds to me like your son has some issues around his adoption (also common), and he's dumping that on you. OK, so he's 18 and probably not mature enough to realize that this is not an OK thing to do, but it's still not OK. If you're in touch with his aparents, I would suggest that you mention the issues you're seeing through his behaviors and that they should maybe look into getting him some counseling with a therapist familiar with adoption issues. A lot of people here have found that to be really helpful. Maybe as he starts working through these things and sees that you're not a bad person for placing him, you'll then be able to build a relationship with him. I hope things improve for you. Good luck!

Same here-I'm an adoptee and to put this rather harshly, just because people are blood relatives doesn't mean they have to like each other. Lots of times they love each other but don't LIKE each other KWIM? A lot of 18 year olds don't know how to behave without hurting others, I know I had my moments. As I get older, I make a conscious choice not to surround myself with negative people, no matter who they are so I don't think you have anything to feel bad about. Give him some time and space and he may come around.

Can I give you some advice as an adoptee? The fact that you had one child before him and several after him maybe the reason for him being so disrespectful/ saractic. Think about it, out of all the children you had he was the only one placed, that's a lot to " stomach" so to speak. Maybe you should approach the subject ( he may be too shy to ask) and explain the reason WHY. I wish you the best, Manni :camo:

Manni... I am not exactly sure that any of this has to do with how many she had before and/or after her reliquishment of him. Honestly, I think it has a whole lot more to do with the fact ha she is dealing with a very young adoptee. Although I am not discounting the fact that he might need answers to that question, I do feel like the fact that he is so young has more to do with than anything else. I could be wrong, but if I had to gauge his behavior off of my own "placed" daughter's behavior I would say it is the age of the adoptee. KWIM?

Personally, I think you can do a lot of damage by ceasing all contact with your son. He's still a teenager, right? Reuniting with teenagers often brings with it a whole different set of challenges than reuniting with an older adult. First off, he's at that age...where they can drive you crazy. Perhaps it says more about how he is feeling when he uses the word "angst". The snide comments? They could be covering up some pain and anger...or they could just be snotty words coming out of a teenager's mouth. I think maturity levels vary wildly among youngsters his age. I've met 19-year-olds (I'm thinking of one adoptee in particular who's a member here) who are very mature and level-headed for their age. And then there are kids like my son, who acted more like he was 13 rather than his chronological age of 18. It took him a bit longer to "grow up", but eventually he did...and things turned out well for both of us. (We've been reunited for almost 20 years now.) Long-term relationships of any type, not just post-reunion, take a lot of time, energy, commitment and communication. I think you also have to remember that he's still very, very young. Please don't cut him off...give him the same chances you would give your other children if they were behaving badly.

I totally see where you are coming from Manni. That being said, as an adoptee who was has siblings parented on both sides of me, it IS a hard pill to swallow. However, although it may contribute to some hard feelings on the part of your bson, I wouldn't consider that as a reason for his behavior. Although itm ay bother him, I think at the age of 18, he still may be too immature to healthily process and understand his own feelings and act on them accordingly and with respect.A LOT of things about my personal adoption situation hurt me. But...that doesn't mean I take out my feelings on my birthparents. You know what I mean? His negative feelings should be understood and accepted, but his negative behavior should not. This rule can apply to anyone, really. Just another thing I try to keep in mind within my own reunion.

Amanda: I agree with you 200% Jenn'smom: You're right it can be age and/or the fact that he was the only one placed. For most of us adoptees, we were our bparents first born and our bparents were young. In this case, the bson finds out his bmom was already a mom and after placing him, she when on and had more children that she parented. That's a lot to sallow when you reunite. I agree he shouldn't use that as an excuse to be rude, but he maybe acting self-centered because he probably feels the bmom "owes it to him" ( to treat him extra special) because he was the only one placed. Which could be the case, because each person processes their adoption story differently. Justme09: Don't give up on your reunion. Your son is probably processing the whole thing and needs time. I do think you should talk to him about the dynamics, maybe that will open up the lines of communication. I wish you the best, -Manni

I'm also an adoptee and you absolutely do not deserve to be treated that way and there is nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Nothing at all. I'd also echo the others that he's a teen, and they tend to be self centered at that age. (not all of them) It's a time they're focusing on themselves, and their independence, which creates a ton of confusion in their world. Add a bit more and many don't have the proper coping skills. Good luck. I hope your reunion smooths out.

I agree with what has been said here. Just because he had no choice in the adoption doesn't give him some kind of license to treat you like crap. I'm sure you were in a different place in your life when you chose to place him than when you had your other children and in time, hopefully, he will understand that (I can imagine that being tough for him to handle).There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries with him until he starts showing that he does have respect for you and your family. Like others have said, 18 is young (I should know, I'm only 19 right now) and some people just don't have a higher level of maturity at that age. Once he matures and maybe takes care of all of the chaos that may be going on in his head he'll be able to appreciate you and the reunion a little more.Still, that's no reason for him to treat you poorly or disrespect you or your family in any way. He DOES have control of that regardless of his maturity level.

Thank you so much, everyone for your words of wisdom and advice! You have definitely given me a lot to think about. Thank you for not criticizing me and for understanding. I was really scared to post my issue. My son and I still haven't talked since this all happened. I am going to give him some time. If I don't hear from him around Christmas time, I will still send him a card and present. Thank you again, everyone! =)